(no subject)
I want to share with the class a thingy I did yesterday for the nekid_spike community. They issued a challenge called "Episode Fixing," in which we were to rewrite any ep that didn't go the way we thought it should...and rather than write it in novel form, I decided to change the actual script itself. So here's what I posted:
Oh dear, where to start…see, there was so much of the final season of Angel that I absolutely loathed, but it would take forever to rewrite the entire season so I’ll just narrow it down to this one bit. After reading this, you’ll have to just imagine the rest of my version of S5: Gunn lives, Wes lives, Lindsey lives, Spike and Lorne become good friends, Spike and Fred slowly fall in love, Fred is rescued from Illyria and they each end up with a Fred-shaped body, Cordy doesn’t die, Knox never existed, and Wesley’s passive-aggressive attempts to woo Fred from Spike fail spectacularly and he rebounds to Illyria. Or Lilah. Or Faith. I haven’t yet decided which. (Sorry, Wes, but I thought your love for Fred was creepy and disturbing. So I’m giving you three other choices instead. SQUEE!)
~~SOCKMONKEYHERE FIXES "DESTINY"~~
ACT I:
3 INT. LOBBY - DAY
Resume. Spike has just run into Angel's door and fallen to the ground. In the background, there's the constant noise of all the telephones ringing.
SPIKE
(stands)
Hey. I'm…
(touches his chest)
I can feel.
(touches Angel's chest)
ANGEL
Hey. Stop touching me.
(pushes Spike's hand away)
SPIKE
(licks his lip to discover his nose had bled a bit from his run-in with the door)
Mmm! I can…
(grabs a mug from Angel's hand)
ANGEL
Hey!
SPIKE
(drinks deeply from Angel's mug)
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Oh, God. It's bloody ambrosia.
(looks at the cup, smiling, then looks at Angel)
Is this otter?
GUNN
Hey, what's going…
SPIKE
(hugs Gunn enthusiastically around the neck)
I'm back, Charlie boy! That's what's going!
GUNN
He's corporeal. When did this…I mean, how?
ANGEL
I don't know. He just…
SPIKE
I got it. It must've been that box of flash I got in the mail.
ANGEL
You got…from who?
SPIKE
Don't know, don't care. But if you see him, give him a bloody kiss on the mouth for me.
(takes another gulp from Angel’s mug as Fred rushes up)
FRED
Angel?
ANGEL
Oh, let me guess. The lab computers are on the fritz.
FRED
Well, yeah, but that's just the tip of the fritzberg. The needles on our atmospheric gauges suddenly started spiking into red. Totally blew out the instruments…Spike?
(stares at his hands)
You’re holding a mug. And this time you’re holding it really, really well.
SPIKE
Fred! Petal! I’m me again!
FRED
(stares at him in joy and disbelief)
You’re…you’re cured?
(They both break into joyous laughter)
ANGEL
Uh, yeah. He's corporeal again.
FRED
For real?
GUNN
Yeah. He got something in the mail. Flash, bam, boom... he's a solid citizen again.
SPIKE
I can feel and smell and taste…I can do everything!
Spike grabs Fred passionately and kisses her. Still smiling happily but clearly startled, she takes a step back as he releases her. As he turns to grope the wall she turns away too, looking a little nauseated, and covertly wipes her tongue with the collar of her blouse to get rid of the taste of otter blood.
GUNN
(rolls eyes and mutters)
Talk about a bloody kiss on the mouth.
ANGEL
Harmony, what is going on with the phones?
HARMONY
(walks out from behind her desk toward the others)
Nobody knows. It's, like, all over the office. And all there is is, "eee!" on the other end. Plus, now my computer's freaking.
(scowls and rubs her ear)
Sometimes I hate electricity.
Cut to:
4 INT. VICTORIAN ERA COACH - NIGHT
Angelus and William are laughing as they ride through the night in a horse-drawn carriage.
~~SOCK MONKEY NOTE: When the Victorian Era Coach scene ends, we cut back to a W&H office worker complaining to Jerry about his cell phone not working, and Jerry responding by screaming about toner and beating the cheese out of Cell Phone Guy. (The “nooner” scene has been completely eliminated from the script, and I have explained to Mutant Enemy that they are not allowed to regress Spike back to his BtVS Season 4 persona, nor would Spike at this point in his development ever treat Harmony like a slab of meat blow-up doll, because he was treated that way in BtVS Season 6 and he knows how degrading it feels. Some of the Mutant Enemy writers whined and pouted about my decision, so I’ve locked them all in the coal bin.)
More scenes, Angel and Spike fight, bla bla bla, Cup of Perpetual Mislead, everything goes back to normal, Angel boo-hoos to Gunn about losing his Shanshu…aaaaaaaand:
HALLWAY LEADING TO FRED’S APARTMENT - EVENING
Spike escorts Fred to her door, gallant and cheerful and a bit drunk. Fred’s in a good mood, too, although not quite as tipsy.
FRED
God, that was fun! I can’t decide which I liked best: the restaurant, the dance club, or the police station. I keep getting the last two confused.
SPIKE
Which explains why you kept tryin’ to cut in while the sergeant was handcuffing me.
FRED
(giggling)
Hey, there were swirly blue and red lights. I thought it was a disco ball.
They both stop talking for a moment, content to simply look at each other.
SPIKE
Fred... I want you to know... uh, I mean, all that work you put in trying to, you know, cure me of the ghosties...
FRED
(smiles shyly, looks down)
I didn't do anything.
SPIKE
Oh, you did. You…you believed in m... I mean, you tried. I won't forget that.
FRED
You're welcome.
SPIKE
And…you treated me like a man. And you’ve never stopped treating me that way.
Fred gazes at him in silence, moved almost to tears. She knows that she’s missing a large piece of the picture, but this part is obviously very important to him. She leans in and softly kisses his battered face. He looks at her in amazement, hardly daring to believe what she’s doing. Then her lips slide to his mouth, and they begin kissing each other tenderly.
Cut to:
26 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
A smiling Eve walks into an apartment where the door jambs and the door are covered in strange symbols. She closes the door behind her, sets her purse on the table, and unbuttons her coat. Shut up, Eve. No one wants to see you naked.
Oh dear, where to start…see, there was so much of the final season of Angel that I absolutely loathed, but it would take forever to rewrite the entire season so I’ll just narrow it down to this one bit. After reading this, you’ll have to just imagine the rest of my version of S5: Gunn lives, Wes lives, Lindsey lives, Spike and Lorne become good friends, Spike and Fred slowly fall in love, Fred is rescued from Illyria and they each end up with a Fred-shaped body, Cordy doesn’t die, Knox never existed, and Wesley’s passive-aggressive attempts to woo Fred from Spike fail spectacularly and he rebounds to Illyria. Or Lilah. Or Faith. I haven’t yet decided which. (Sorry, Wes, but I thought your love for Fred was creepy and disturbing. So I’m giving you three other choices instead. SQUEE!)
~~SOCKMONKEYHERE FIXES "DESTINY"~~
ACT I:
3 INT. LOBBY - DAY
Resume. Spike has just run into Angel's door and fallen to the ground. In the background, there's the constant noise of all the telephones ringing.
SPIKE
(stands)
Hey. I'm…
(touches his chest)
I can feel.
(touches Angel's chest)
ANGEL
Hey. Stop touching me.
(pushes Spike's hand away)
SPIKE
(licks his lip to discover his nose had bled a bit from his run-in with the door)
Mmm! I can…
(grabs a mug from Angel's hand)
ANGEL
Hey!
SPIKE
(drinks deeply from Angel's mug)
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Oh, God. It's bloody ambrosia.
(looks at the cup, smiling, then looks at Angel)
Is this otter?
GUNN
Hey, what's going…
SPIKE
(hugs Gunn enthusiastically around the neck)
I'm back, Charlie boy! That's what's going!
GUNN
He's corporeal. When did this…I mean, how?
ANGEL
I don't know. He just…
SPIKE
I got it. It must've been that box of flash I got in the mail.
ANGEL
You got…from who?
SPIKE
Don't know, don't care. But if you see him, give him a bloody kiss on the mouth for me.
(takes another gulp from Angel’s mug as Fred rushes up)
FRED
Angel?
ANGEL
Oh, let me guess. The lab computers are on the fritz.
FRED
Well, yeah, but that's just the tip of the fritzberg. The needles on our atmospheric gauges suddenly started spiking into red. Totally blew out the instruments…Spike?
(stares at his hands)
You’re holding a mug. And this time you’re holding it really, really well.
SPIKE
Fred! Petal! I’m me again!
FRED
(stares at him in joy and disbelief)
You’re…you’re cured?
(They both break into joyous laughter)
ANGEL
Uh, yeah. He's corporeal again.
FRED
For real?
GUNN
Yeah. He got something in the mail. Flash, bam, boom... he's a solid citizen again.
SPIKE
I can feel and smell and taste…I can do everything!
Spike grabs Fred passionately and kisses her. Still smiling happily but clearly startled, she takes a step back as he releases her. As he turns to grope the wall she turns away too, looking a little nauseated, and covertly wipes her tongue with the collar of her blouse to get rid of the taste of otter blood.
GUNN
(rolls eyes and mutters)
Talk about a bloody kiss on the mouth.
ANGEL
Harmony, what is going on with the phones?
HARMONY
(walks out from behind her desk toward the others)
Nobody knows. It's, like, all over the office. And all there is is, "eee!" on the other end. Plus, now my computer's freaking.
(scowls and rubs her ear)
Sometimes I hate electricity.
Cut to:
4 INT. VICTORIAN ERA COACH - NIGHT
Angelus and William are laughing as they ride through the night in a horse-drawn carriage.
~~SOCK MONKEY NOTE: When the Victorian Era Coach scene ends, we cut back to a W&H office worker complaining to Jerry about his cell phone not working, and Jerry responding by screaming about toner and beating the cheese out of Cell Phone Guy. (The “nooner” scene has been completely eliminated from the script, and I have explained to Mutant Enemy that they are not allowed to regress Spike back to his BtVS Season 4 persona, nor would Spike at this point in his development ever treat Harmony like a slab of meat blow-up doll, because he was treated that way in BtVS Season 6 and he knows how degrading it feels. Some of the Mutant Enemy writers whined and pouted about my decision, so I’ve locked them all in the coal bin.)
More scenes, Angel and Spike fight, bla bla bla, Cup of Perpetual Mislead, everything goes back to normal, Angel boo-hoos to Gunn about losing his Shanshu…aaaaaaaand:
HALLWAY LEADING TO FRED’S APARTMENT - EVENING
Spike escorts Fred to her door, gallant and cheerful and a bit drunk. Fred’s in a good mood, too, although not quite as tipsy.
FRED
God, that was fun! I can’t decide which I liked best: the restaurant, the dance club, or the police station. I keep getting the last two confused.
SPIKE
Which explains why you kept tryin’ to cut in while the sergeant was handcuffing me.
FRED
(giggling)
Hey, there were swirly blue and red lights. I thought it was a disco ball.
They both stop talking for a moment, content to simply look at each other.
SPIKE
Fred... I want you to know... uh, I mean, all that work you put in trying to, you know, cure me of the ghosties...
FRED
(smiles shyly, looks down)
I didn't do anything.
SPIKE
Oh, you did. You…you believed in m... I mean, you tried. I won't forget that.
FRED
You're welcome.
SPIKE
And…you treated me like a man. And you’ve never stopped treating me that way.
Fred gazes at him in silence, moved almost to tears. She knows that she’s missing a large piece of the picture, but this part is obviously very important to him. She leans in and softly kisses his battered face. He looks at her in amazement, hardly daring to believe what she’s doing. Then her lips slide to his mouth, and they begin kissing each other tenderly.
Cut to:
26 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
A smiling Eve walks into an apartment where the door jambs and the door are covered in strange symbols. She closes the door behind her, sets her purse on the table, and unbuttons her coat. Shut up, Eve. No one wants to see you naked.