Tell Me What To Do
Title: Tell Me What To Do
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating/Warnings: PG, spoilers for 5.16
Characters/Pairings: Castiel, Dean, Sam
Word Count: 1,525
Disclaimer: I disclaim it!
Summary: Coda to 5.16. Team Free Will: faith, feeling their feelings, and free will.
Castiel felt like the stomach was dropping inside his vessel, and for the briefest of moments he pondered if this could be an emotion. Since rebelling, or really-since he’d first begun to doubt, he’d felt things, though vague and distant. This was vague and distant as the rest, but he assumed it must be emotion.
He didn’t much care for them if he was honest. He’d not had occasion to feel anything pleasant. Just grief, loss, anger. Despair.
He wanted to look at Sam and Dean; perhaps he could read the same sense of betrayal on their faces, but all the same he didn’t want to see it if it was there. It was enough that Dean had struggled through the words to tell him. God’s not coming. He knows everything and he doesn’t give a shit to help.
“You son of a bitch,” Cas says, looking upward. “I believed in-” But all he can see are the bumps on the ceiling above him, and what did he ever believe in? That God cared about him? God had never even spoken to him. He’d never seen God. What did he believe for, if he didn’t even know what he was believing in?
He turned to Dean, digging in the pocket of the trench coat. Dean’s amulet was cool against his palm, the worn string brushing soft against his fingers. “I don’t need this anymore,” he tossed it to Dean. He didn’t make eye contact. Giving up.
“It’s worthless.”
Castiel willed himself elsewhere, disappearing to…
Dean looked down at the amulet in his hands, but it didn’t feel the same. It used to be comforting. Comforting to hold; comforting to wear. Even when Sammy was states away, off living the normal life, the weight around Dean’s neck reminded him that they had taken care of each other and that the Winchester boys would be alright.
Then Cas had taken it, and the amulet had been all his hopes. He hoped that Castiel wouldn’t lose it, because Sammy… And he hoped that he would find God. That God would help them. That there even was a God to find.
Castiel’s words rung in his ears. It’s worthless.
“We’ll find another way,” Sam was saying. “We can still stop all this Dean.”
“How?”
“I dunno, but we’ll find it. You and me. We’ll find it.”
Sam was so adamant. So hopeful so… Dean looked back at his amulet and the pit of his gut felt rotten. He grabbed his bag and maybe there was something he could say to Sam, but he couldn’t think anything.
The trash bin by the door was mostly empty. A few crumpled receipts and a food container from Sam’s dinner last night-Dean had left his garbage strewn around the room with all the rest of the beer cans and bottles and his dirty laundry.
He paused, ready to let the amulet drop. It had once meant so much to him. It was Sammy when Sammy wasn’t there. It was family, tied around his neck and close to his chest.
It was failure. It was loss of faith for an angel. It was worthless.
Plunk.
Dean left…
Sam was inexplicably hopeful, even as he reached down and picked his brother’s necklace from the bin. He had just been to Heaven. Him. The boy with the demon blood was important enough to God that he, of all people, got into Heaven.
If Dean wasn’t so optimistic at the moment, well… Sam supposed he could understand that, although it was irritating that they couldn’t just be on the same page for once. After all, if God knew all about the apocalypse, He wouldn’t have allowed Zachariah or Joshua to send him back if it couldn’t be averted. If God wanted Lucifer’s vessel out of the game, He could’ve kept him out.
But he didn’t, which made Sam think that they could find a way. That they would find a way, because it seemed like, as crazy as it sounded, like God had faith in them.
Sam didn’t know how to get it through Dean’s head that they should have more faith than ever right now. According to Joshua, God had already saved them. God totally cared about the Winchesters. And Castiel. He’d saved all of them, and just knowing that inspired Sam to do something.
Sam let the amulet hang from his fingers. It was clear that Dean was in no mood to be persuaded right now. Sam needed to talk to him, to figure out what to say to motivate him, but not right now. He flipped the amulet up into his palm and squeezed it tight, letting it dig into his skin.
Maybe he’d wrap it up in newspaper next Christmas, and give it to Dean the way he had so many years ago. If Dean didn’t want it, Sam supposed he could always give it back to Bobby. For now though, he’d keep it in his pocket, and he could hope for a time in the future when all of this will be over, and Dean will want it back.
At the end of the day, at the end of the apocalypse, the amulet would still belong to…
Dean let the door of the motel click shut behind him before closing his eyes; hanging his head. He was lost. He hadn’t realized exactly how much his hopes were hanging on Castiel’s mission until that mission failed. ”Now what?” he kept thinking. ”We can’t do it. How can we save everyone? We can’t…”
Castiel was leaning against the driver’s side of the Impala, his expression mirroring Dean’s feelings exactly, despite the fact that Castiel was closer to the situation… He had to be more hurt by it than Dean was, even if his face didn’t show it. The fact that the angel’s face was showing emotion at all was indication of how lost the angel must be.
“Cas, you… You’re still here,” Dean said lamely.
“Yes. I… I didn’t have anywhere to go.” He didn’t look up as he spoke, and the lack of eye contact was as disconcerting to Dean now as Cas’ penetrating stares had been when he’d first met the angel. “I don’t have anything to search for. I don’t know what to do.”
Dean dropped his duffel and leaned against the car door, next to the angel. “Tell me about it,” he sighed. “We’re gonna have to think about our next move for a bit.”
Castiel looked up at him finally, sort of looking at Dean’s shoulder and then his cheek, still not making eye contact the way he used to.
“Or,” Dean continued, “something will attack and our next move will get decided for us.” He bumped Castiel’s arm with his elbow. “We’ll figure it out.”
“You’re not actually sure of this, Dean.”
Dean tried to quirk a grin at Cas, but he was looking at the ground again. “You got me. No. Can’t really be sure of anything.” Dean shrugged. This pep talk wasn’t going so well. “To be honest, I don’t think we are going to figure this out. I don’t see where we can go next. I’m not sure what our next step will be, or if we’ll even be able to take it.”
Castiel slouched beside him.
“The world’s not over yet though, so we’ll just have to muddle through until it ends.”
“How?”
Dean gulped and grabbed Castiel’s shoulder, turning him and forcing the angel to look at him. “Together man. We’ve got to do this together. God brought you back; He saved me and Sam; it’s got to be all three of us.”
“Yes,” whispered Castiel, and now that he was looking straight at Dean, he could see how hurt and broken he was. Dean closed his eyes, and tried not to let himself cry at the despair of it all… at his hopelessness, at Castiel’s loss. He gulped back his sadness, his hand still on Castiel’s shoulder, and pulled him in for a hug.
Dean wrapped his arms around the angel, pulling him close. Castiel stood stiffly for a moment, before he collapsed into Dean, his arms wrapping gingerly around his middle. Dean could feel Cas’ breath on his neck and he hugged him closer, trying to will something good into them both. “Tell me what to do, Dean,” said Cas.
“Just stay here for now,” said Dean, and held tight to…
Castiel was wrapped tight around Dean Winchester, hugging him like that alone could save the world. As he stood there, his cheek rubbing against Dean’s soft, green jacket; Dean’s nose pressed up in his hair, ruffling it as he breathed… the falling feeling in his gut began to stabilize and the tightness in his chest was relieved, if only a little.
“Dean I didn’t think I liked feelings,” said Castiel.
“Whuh?” Dean finally broke off the hug, but continued looking at Castiel.
Cas kept his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I hadn’t felt much that was good, but this… I like. Camaraderie. It’s good.” Castiel looked directly into Dean’s eyes, just like he had before all of this.
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating/Warnings: PG, spoilers for 5.16
Characters/Pairings: Castiel, Dean, Sam
Word Count: 1,525
Disclaimer: I disclaim it!
Summary: Coda to 5.16. Team Free Will: faith, feeling their feelings, and free will.
Castiel felt like the stomach was dropping inside his vessel, and for the briefest of moments he pondered if this could be an emotion. Since rebelling, or really-since he’d first begun to doubt, he’d felt things, though vague and distant. This was vague and distant as the rest, but he assumed it must be emotion.
He didn’t much care for them if he was honest. He’d not had occasion to feel anything pleasant. Just grief, loss, anger. Despair.
He wanted to look at Sam and Dean; perhaps he could read the same sense of betrayal on their faces, but all the same he didn’t want to see it if it was there. It was enough that Dean had struggled through the words to tell him. God’s not coming. He knows everything and he doesn’t give a shit to help.
“You son of a bitch,” Cas says, looking upward. “I believed in-” But all he can see are the bumps on the ceiling above him, and what did he ever believe in? That God cared about him? God had never even spoken to him. He’d never seen God. What did he believe for, if he didn’t even know what he was believing in?
He turned to Dean, digging in the pocket of the trench coat. Dean’s amulet was cool against his palm, the worn string brushing soft against his fingers. “I don’t need this anymore,” he tossed it to Dean. He didn’t make eye contact. Giving up.
“It’s worthless.”
Castiel willed himself elsewhere, disappearing to…
Dean looked down at the amulet in his hands, but it didn’t feel the same. It used to be comforting. Comforting to hold; comforting to wear. Even when Sammy was states away, off living the normal life, the weight around Dean’s neck reminded him that they had taken care of each other and that the Winchester boys would be alright.
Then Cas had taken it, and the amulet had been all his hopes. He hoped that Castiel wouldn’t lose it, because Sammy… And he hoped that he would find God. That God would help them. That there even was a God to find.
Castiel’s words rung in his ears. It’s worthless.
“We’ll find another way,” Sam was saying. “We can still stop all this Dean.”
“How?”
“I dunno, but we’ll find it. You and me. We’ll find it.”
Sam was so adamant. So hopeful so… Dean looked back at his amulet and the pit of his gut felt rotten. He grabbed his bag and maybe there was something he could say to Sam, but he couldn’t think anything.
The trash bin by the door was mostly empty. A few crumpled receipts and a food container from Sam’s dinner last night-Dean had left his garbage strewn around the room with all the rest of the beer cans and bottles and his dirty laundry.
He paused, ready to let the amulet drop. It had once meant so much to him. It was Sammy when Sammy wasn’t there. It was family, tied around his neck and close to his chest.
It was failure. It was loss of faith for an angel. It was worthless.
Plunk.
Dean left…
Sam was inexplicably hopeful, even as he reached down and picked his brother’s necklace from the bin. He had just been to Heaven. Him. The boy with the demon blood was important enough to God that he, of all people, got into Heaven.
If Dean wasn’t so optimistic at the moment, well… Sam supposed he could understand that, although it was irritating that they couldn’t just be on the same page for once. After all, if God knew all about the apocalypse, He wouldn’t have allowed Zachariah or Joshua to send him back if it couldn’t be averted. If God wanted Lucifer’s vessel out of the game, He could’ve kept him out.
But he didn’t, which made Sam think that they could find a way. That they would find a way, because it seemed like, as crazy as it sounded, like God had faith in them.
Sam didn’t know how to get it through Dean’s head that they should have more faith than ever right now. According to Joshua, God had already saved them. God totally cared about the Winchesters. And Castiel. He’d saved all of them, and just knowing that inspired Sam to do something.
Sam let the amulet hang from his fingers. It was clear that Dean was in no mood to be persuaded right now. Sam needed to talk to him, to figure out what to say to motivate him, but not right now. He flipped the amulet up into his palm and squeezed it tight, letting it dig into his skin.
Maybe he’d wrap it up in newspaper next Christmas, and give it to Dean the way he had so many years ago. If Dean didn’t want it, Sam supposed he could always give it back to Bobby. For now though, he’d keep it in his pocket, and he could hope for a time in the future when all of this will be over, and Dean will want it back.
At the end of the day, at the end of the apocalypse, the amulet would still belong to…
Dean let the door of the motel click shut behind him before closing his eyes; hanging his head. He was lost. He hadn’t realized exactly how much his hopes were hanging on Castiel’s mission until that mission failed. ”Now what?” he kept thinking. ”We can’t do it. How can we save everyone? We can’t…”
Castiel was leaning against the driver’s side of the Impala, his expression mirroring Dean’s feelings exactly, despite the fact that Castiel was closer to the situation… He had to be more hurt by it than Dean was, even if his face didn’t show it. The fact that the angel’s face was showing emotion at all was indication of how lost the angel must be.
“Cas, you… You’re still here,” Dean said lamely.
“Yes. I… I didn’t have anywhere to go.” He didn’t look up as he spoke, and the lack of eye contact was as disconcerting to Dean now as Cas’ penetrating stares had been when he’d first met the angel. “I don’t have anything to search for. I don’t know what to do.”
Dean dropped his duffel and leaned against the car door, next to the angel. “Tell me about it,” he sighed. “We’re gonna have to think about our next move for a bit.”
Castiel looked up at him finally, sort of looking at Dean’s shoulder and then his cheek, still not making eye contact the way he used to.
“Or,” Dean continued, “something will attack and our next move will get decided for us.” He bumped Castiel’s arm with his elbow. “We’ll figure it out.”
“You’re not actually sure of this, Dean.”
Dean tried to quirk a grin at Cas, but he was looking at the ground again. “You got me. No. Can’t really be sure of anything.” Dean shrugged. This pep talk wasn’t going so well. “To be honest, I don’t think we are going to figure this out. I don’t see where we can go next. I’m not sure what our next step will be, or if we’ll even be able to take it.”
Castiel slouched beside him.
“The world’s not over yet though, so we’ll just have to muddle through until it ends.”
“How?”
Dean gulped and grabbed Castiel’s shoulder, turning him and forcing the angel to look at him. “Together man. We’ve got to do this together. God brought you back; He saved me and Sam; it’s got to be all three of us.”
“Yes,” whispered Castiel, and now that he was looking straight at Dean, he could see how hurt and broken he was. Dean closed his eyes, and tried not to let himself cry at the despair of it all… at his hopelessness, at Castiel’s loss. He gulped back his sadness, his hand still on Castiel’s shoulder, and pulled him in for a hug.
Dean wrapped his arms around the angel, pulling him close. Castiel stood stiffly for a moment, before he collapsed into Dean, his arms wrapping gingerly around his middle. Dean could feel Cas’ breath on his neck and he hugged him closer, trying to will something good into them both. “Tell me what to do, Dean,” said Cas.
“Just stay here for now,” said Dean, and held tight to…
Castiel was wrapped tight around Dean Winchester, hugging him like that alone could save the world. As he stood there, his cheek rubbing against Dean’s soft, green jacket; Dean’s nose pressed up in his hair, ruffling it as he breathed… the falling feeling in his gut began to stabilize and the tightness in his chest was relieved, if only a little.
“Dean I didn’t think I liked feelings,” said Castiel.
“Whuh?” Dean finally broke off the hug, but continued looking at Castiel.
Cas kept his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I hadn’t felt much that was good, but this… I like. Camaraderie. It’s good.” Castiel looked directly into Dean’s eyes, just like he had before all of this.