Dear Jeremy
I don't think I ever thought I would write you again.. at least this time I'm not leaving it on your kitchen counter.. so I guess that's the catch.. I can do this because I know you're not going to read it
For as long as I can remember you changed.. it was like the turning on and off of a light switch.. at the time anyway.. they always say you shouldn't say all of a sudden because really, when looking back it was painfully drawn out.. but maybe I didn't want to admit it to myself that the idea of "us" was burning out almost as quickly as I was just beginning to get used to the idea of "forever"
You were angry and bitter.. I never saw you smile anymore.. you got drunk almost every night.. you said horrible things.. I didn't want to think that the same person who said he couldn't live without me didn't want anything to do with me.. I was scared of coming home.. every afternoon I drove home in fear.. maybe I didn't admit to myself but I knew I didn't want to live this way
So I ran away.. moved.. bought this beautiful house I'm living in.. and so far I've managed to go day to day without falling apart.. except for tonight.. I watched Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks.. if the man ever wrote a happy ending it would be a miracle.. but then again, maybe he is more true to life than most romantic movies or novels
Love is tragic.. love is scary.. it's a leap of faith with no safety net.. you have to take the person as they are.. I always forgot that.. I always pushed it out of my mind that you were broken.. I guess I thought if you could just see how much I loved you, then you would see how perfect we are together.. fear brought us together it's only fitting it drove us apart
I know I didn't always do the right thing, Jeremy, but I never strayed.. no matter what lies you believe or how you think of me now.. it's not me.. that was never me.. but you do what you have to do to be okay with things.. or rather, deal with things.. knowing you you're never going to get to a point where you will truly open up to anyone.. if you never let anyone else in you can never get hurt right?
So that's why we write and watch love stories, right? Because God forbid a happy ending ever happen in real life.. jeez I was so stupid.. all those nights dating you.. how many of them were you sober? why didn't.. forget it.. I know why.. hindsight is 20/20
I forgive you.. for all the horrible things you said.. for the numerous nights you walked out or just walked away from me.. I forgive you for making me feel horrible.. most of the time about myself.. I forgive you for stealing my ring and lying to my mother.. but mostly I forgive you for lying to me.. when you knew you couldn't have me unless you omitted the truth
You're going to have a long lonely life if you keep destroying yourself.. luckily you're not taking me down with you any longer.. I have been lying to myself lately, telling myself I don't care and love doesn't exist and I'm fine by myself.. but I don't want to feel cynical anymore
You see Jeremy.. as much as I tell myself I don't believe in love or love doesn't exist I know it does.. and I'll be damned if you rob me of knowing that.. or take that away from me.. you were a lesson to be learned and I get it now
But for right now when things become too much I'm just giving them to God.. until I'm ready to handle things and sort them out for myself.. to make sense of them.. and to move on
You were a beautiful mistake Jeremy.. but the truth is I know better
For as long as I can remember you changed.. it was like the turning on and off of a light switch.. at the time anyway.. they always say you shouldn't say all of a sudden because really, when looking back it was painfully drawn out.. but maybe I didn't want to admit it to myself that the idea of "us" was burning out almost as quickly as I was just beginning to get used to the idea of "forever"
You were angry and bitter.. I never saw you smile anymore.. you got drunk almost every night.. you said horrible things.. I didn't want to think that the same person who said he couldn't live without me didn't want anything to do with me.. I was scared of coming home.. every afternoon I drove home in fear.. maybe I didn't admit to myself but I knew I didn't want to live this way
So I ran away.. moved.. bought this beautiful house I'm living in.. and so far I've managed to go day to day without falling apart.. except for tonight.. I watched Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks.. if the man ever wrote a happy ending it would be a miracle.. but then again, maybe he is more true to life than most romantic movies or novels
Love is tragic.. love is scary.. it's a leap of faith with no safety net.. you have to take the person as they are.. I always forgot that.. I always pushed it out of my mind that you were broken.. I guess I thought if you could just see how much I loved you, then you would see how perfect we are together.. fear brought us together it's only fitting it drove us apart
I know I didn't always do the right thing, Jeremy, but I never strayed.. no matter what lies you believe or how you think of me now.. it's not me.. that was never me.. but you do what you have to do to be okay with things.. or rather, deal with things.. knowing you you're never going to get to a point where you will truly open up to anyone.. if you never let anyone else in you can never get hurt right?
So that's why we write and watch love stories, right? Because God forbid a happy ending ever happen in real life.. jeez I was so stupid.. all those nights dating you.. how many of them were you sober? why didn't.. forget it.. I know why.. hindsight is 20/20
I forgive you.. for all the horrible things you said.. for the numerous nights you walked out or just walked away from me.. I forgive you for making me feel horrible.. most of the time about myself.. I forgive you for stealing my ring and lying to my mother.. but mostly I forgive you for lying to me.. when you knew you couldn't have me unless you omitted the truth
You're going to have a long lonely life if you keep destroying yourself.. luckily you're not taking me down with you any longer.. I have been lying to myself lately, telling myself I don't care and love doesn't exist and I'm fine by myself.. but I don't want to feel cynical anymore
You see Jeremy.. as much as I tell myself I don't believe in love or love doesn't exist I know it does.. and I'll be damned if you rob me of knowing that.. or take that away from me.. you were a lesson to be learned and I get it now
But for right now when things become too much I'm just giving them to God.. until I'm ready to handle things and sort them out for myself.. to make sense of them.. and to move on
You were a beautiful mistake Jeremy.. but the truth is I know better