..your voice it chased away all the sanity in me..
I don't know what to do first.. restock my kleenex.. take off my snot-soaked shirt and find a new one.. or finish bawling to this song and push 'update entry'
Jesus Christ I'm not even "with" the boy.. John can't come up this weekend.. did he bother telling me?! did he go out of his way to let me know?! did he fucking give me the common courtesy of being honest with me?!? NO!!! he'd rather have me wait by my phone like a moron.. a pathetic.. stupid.. trusting.. moron.. who apparently jus loves to be lied too.. and I fucking get slapped in the face time and time again and I'm like "well the law of averages.. something has to work in my favor this time right?" FUCKING WRONG AGAIN! either I'm not praying right or God's not listening.. or God doesn't grant disgusting last minute attempts at feeling whole.. I didn't want Prince Charming.. I just wanted someone's arm around me.. and I wanted someone to smile and look me in the eye before he leaned in to kiss me.. yes.. God forbid I just get one fucking weekend of no-strings attatched physical fulfillment.. just for two days and two nights.. but I'm not worthy.. I haven't been worth it since I started this self-destructive path three years ago.. John can obviously see the desperation in my eyes.. he'd rather risk going to jail than come to see me.. that's how bad it is.. I called him up.. why?! because I'm fucking stupid.. we've already established that fact.. he ignores me for two days and then leaves me an offline message saying we have to talk about something.. that 'something' I found out just now.. when I called him.. he has 'tramp tracks' he fucking risked jail and drove to fucking Snohomish County to fuck some girl with a boyfriend that beats her.. his excuse for not coming?! he didn't want to come over and have it be 'awkward' you know what's worse? God I fucking hate myself.. I said, "I don't care.. I was looking forward to seeing you this weekend" translation? "I can't fucking stand to be by myself this weekend" he had the damn audasity to ask me if I was crying.. I was quiet and it "sounded like I was crying" he said three times "maybe I shouldn't come up for the weekend" before I finally broke down and demanded he make up his goddamn mind and fucking be honest with me.. his response? "I guess I shouldn't.. it will probably be awkward" FINE BYE! *click*
I was this close to just getting gas and going home to Bremerton.. maybe I could make up a lie to my parents why I was there.. I want to be anywhere but in this God forsaken excuse for a town.. I tried to call Brittany but she didn't answer.. I wanted to call Veronica but I don't know if she still has her cell.. I thought about calling Kelly too but I didn't want to start at the beginning.. because I don't think she knows the drama that is John and I.. or should I say WAS John and I.. it'll be a fucking cold day in hell before I EVER talk to him again.. I wish I could take his cheesy lying ass grin and fucking burn it.. add lighter fluid to make it burn faster and brighter.. and then get really piss poor drunk.. and vomit and then piss all over the ashes.. and then maybe reincarnate his fucking pathetic waste of skin and force feed the vomit mass to him.. til he fucking chokes on it.. and dies.. that.. would be something beautiful.. incredibly beautiful.. I'd smile and laugh.. watching him choke.. choke himself to non-existence
then again it is a tie.. who do I hate more John or I?! it's a toss up.. we both lie.. I lied to myself telling myself I needed him.. just to have a slap and tickle for the weekend to help me get through the week.. I hate what I am.. I hate what I've become.. I don't know what's worse.. looking in the mirror and seeing myself.. or closing my eyes and seeing his face.. I feel like I'm nothing.. I really do.. my first thought? "just kill yourself" isn't that stupid? John's the one who runs away from his problems when things get too hard.. when reality sucks just a little bit harder.. that's not me.. I don't want to turn into him.. I want nothing to do with him.. I don't want one goddamn characteristic such as the filth that he his.. and that's exactly what he is.. fucking filth.. not worthy enough to be left out to rot in the sun.. to have the crows shit on him.. I can't think about this anymore.. I'm getting madder at him.. and more depressed at myself.. I just wanna be alone.. and I don't want to have one fucking thing to do with anyone.. and I mean it.. ANYONE.. I just wanna go home.. God.. I just wanna go home
Jesus Christ I'm not even "with" the boy.. John can't come up this weekend.. did he bother telling me?! did he go out of his way to let me know?! did he fucking give me the common courtesy of being honest with me?!? NO!!! he'd rather have me wait by my phone like a moron.. a pathetic.. stupid.. trusting.. moron.. who apparently jus loves to be lied too.. and I fucking get slapped in the face time and time again and I'm like "well the law of averages.. something has to work in my favor this time right?" FUCKING WRONG AGAIN! either I'm not praying right or God's not listening.. or God doesn't grant disgusting last minute attempts at feeling whole.. I didn't want Prince Charming.. I just wanted someone's arm around me.. and I wanted someone to smile and look me in the eye before he leaned in to kiss me.. yes.. God forbid I just get one fucking weekend of no-strings attatched physical fulfillment.. just for two days and two nights.. but I'm not worthy.. I haven't been worth it since I started this self-destructive path three years ago.. John can obviously see the desperation in my eyes.. he'd rather risk going to jail than come to see me.. that's how bad it is.. I called him up.. why?! because I'm fucking stupid.. we've already established that fact.. he ignores me for two days and then leaves me an offline message saying we have to talk about something.. that 'something' I found out just now.. when I called him.. he has 'tramp tracks' he fucking risked jail and drove to fucking Snohomish County to fuck some girl with a boyfriend that beats her.. his excuse for not coming?! he didn't want to come over and have it be 'awkward' you know what's worse? God I fucking hate myself.. I said, "I don't care.. I was looking forward to seeing you this weekend" translation? "I can't fucking stand to be by myself this weekend" he had the damn audasity to ask me if I was crying.. I was quiet and it "sounded like I was crying" he said three times "maybe I shouldn't come up for the weekend" before I finally broke down and demanded he make up his goddamn mind and fucking be honest with me.. his response? "I guess I shouldn't.. it will probably be awkward" FINE BYE! *click*
I was this close to just getting gas and going home to Bremerton.. maybe I could make up a lie to my parents why I was there.. I want to be anywhere but in this God forsaken excuse for a town.. I tried to call Brittany but she didn't answer.. I wanted to call Veronica but I don't know if she still has her cell.. I thought about calling Kelly too but I didn't want to start at the beginning.. because I don't think she knows the drama that is John and I.. or should I say WAS John and I.. it'll be a fucking cold day in hell before I EVER talk to him again.. I wish I could take his cheesy lying ass grin and fucking burn it.. add lighter fluid to make it burn faster and brighter.. and then get really piss poor drunk.. and vomit and then piss all over the ashes.. and then maybe reincarnate his fucking pathetic waste of skin and force feed the vomit mass to him.. til he fucking chokes on it.. and dies.. that.. would be something beautiful.. incredibly beautiful.. I'd smile and laugh.. watching him choke.. choke himself to non-existence
then again it is a tie.. who do I hate more John or I?! it's a toss up.. we both lie.. I lied to myself telling myself I needed him.. just to have a slap and tickle for the weekend to help me get through the week.. I hate what I am.. I hate what I've become.. I don't know what's worse.. looking in the mirror and seeing myself.. or closing my eyes and seeing his face.. I feel like I'm nothing.. I really do.. my first thought? "just kill yourself" isn't that stupid? John's the one who runs away from his problems when things get too hard.. when reality sucks just a little bit harder.. that's not me.. I don't want to turn into him.. I want nothing to do with him.. I don't want one goddamn characteristic such as the filth that he his.. and that's exactly what he is.. fucking filth.. not worthy enough to be left out to rot in the sun.. to have the crows shit on him.. I can't think about this anymore.. I'm getting madder at him.. and more depressed at myself.. I just wanna be alone.. and I don't want to have one fucking thing to do with anyone.. and I mean it.. ANYONE.. I just wanna go home.. God.. I just wanna go home