i cant believe i still write in this thing...
...but i had nowhere else to go. i have to rant before i EXPLODE. i cant update everyone on my life thus far, but ill give you the jist of it; my life SUCKS. then again, doesnt life always suck when im so desperate as to resort back to writing in my trusty old livejournal that no one reads anymore? well it seems like every sucking get a little more suckier as i get older. maybe it just a winter thing, like seasonal depression or something; the fact that i havent seen sunlight in a week is actually starting to get to me. but whatever the case, i feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. im helpless and i dont know what to do to fix it.
first of all, for those that didnt know, i have a boyfriend now. well, sort of. its only been a few weeks and we've had more drama than a soap opera. he's tried to break it off twice already. guess thats what happens when you decide to date someone whos doing theater for their career. but honestly, jonas is different, he's not the theater-y type at all, i mean he's from brooklyn for christ's sake. but still, i dont know what to do about this anymore. for one thing, he has NO idea how to be a boyfriend, like he doesnt use common sense at all...for instance, he practically REFUSES to pick up a goddamn phone and call me. he hasn't called me once this break, and i've been home for...7 days. a WEEK without speaking to someone whom im supposed to be sharing my life with. blah. and it really sucks because i promised myself that when i got into a relationship i would never be that fucking "girlfriend" and be all annoying and whiny and bitch about shit...and so far, i think ive been very calm and reasonable about a LOT of things, but this kid is absolutely ridiculous, he wont call me, he'll go days with seeing me for like 10 minutes at a strech...but its annoying because i KNOW he wants to be in the relationship because he's the type of guy who would have no problem saying "fuck this" if he didnt want to do it. im just...frusturated. but the worst part is, i dont think he knows how badly im falling for him, like...its BAD. like i could spend every minute of every day with just him and never get bored or tired of it...i just feel like i never get to see him enough. when he doesnt call or try to contact me i turn into this HUGE anxious stress-mess. ugh, i deserve to rot in hell for being this way. i cant believe i even got myself into this whole mess...but now i cant even get myself out even though im unhappy...because when he IS being good and when hes with me its like...amazing. it's bliss, it's the only thing that makes me euphorically happy. and yeah, i lost my virginity to him too. WHY AM I GETTING SO EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED. maybe it's because he has a passion for jazz , but hes still a tough guy from brooklyn, but he's still beyond adorable and melts in my arms when we sleep together. ugh, i really fucked myself over this time...i dont know what to do. break up with him because he didnt call or give him the benefit of the doubt and give him more chances? this isnt the first time hes done this either...even in school i would see him a lottt one minute, and than see him for like two minutes in two days. i want to talk to him everyday, i want to sleep with him every night, it's driving me NUTS, im a total wreck and he doesnt even know it. and i dont know what to do about it anymore.
in other news, me and my friend jen from school havent spoken in weeks. she liked jonas, and after this whole thing happened she didnt feel like she could trust me anymore or some bullshit like that...she still talks to jonas though. pfft. i fucking hate girls. so easy to forgive the guy who fucked you over, but the girl? it's gotta be this big thing. in any case, i do feel guilty for everything that happened, and i do miss her. and i also want her to fucking LOOK AT ME when we're in class or social setttings together. its so akward, seriously, we'll be standing a foot away from each other and she just pretends i dont exsist. so i lost my best friend for a wonderful yet shitty relationship. sweet.
aaron still isnt speaking to me either. refer back to my earlier livejournal post about that.
now for news from the academic front: so i completely fucked up my first semester of college, getting a whopping 1.35 GPA which automatically puts me on academic probation. i failed 4 classes, three of which i have to retake next year and one of which ill retake next semester. cool. following in my high school footsteps. and it was all because i couldnt wake up for the classes with an attendance policy. and being on academic probation means i cant do the one acts festival in the spring. awesome. one thing jonas and i fight about is me and going to classes. so i have that stress on top of everything else. im afraid if i loose jonas now, it'll just fuck me up for next semester too. im just really angry at myself. it's not like im at a particularly difficult school either, im doing musical theater at shitty fredonia. ugh, i just want to run away and never go back to fucking fredonia with its fucking people who fuck my life up.
so now im back home and of course have become noctournal again, and im terrified of calling my bosses at jackson and wheeler to ask for my hostess job back because im pretty sure by this time they either a) have a hostess or b) dont really need one anyway. jonas still hasnt even tried to reach me, and ive had to be the one to take the inititive to call the rest of my school friends. well, you know what, whatever. im done with that. if they want to talk to me they can call ME. im finished with fredonians untill i can go back and try to fucking fix my mistakes.
and ive gained weight since ive been home too. i want nothing more than to be able to go to sleep and wake up at normal hours so i can get my ass on a treadmill, but so far that hasnt worked.
oh, and im broke as FUCK. 80 dollars to my name, what else is new. we didnt have christmas in my house this year because i just moved to cortlandt manor, and my family was too busy unpacking shit to have a christmas. we couldnt find the tree anyway. so my mom gave me 150 bucks in a check, which could basically buy me a pack of gum at the rate im going.
but yeah, speaking of moving...cortlandt manor is not alieviating my stress at all. its such an annoying trek to get to briarcliff to see my friends and live my life. we basically live like, in the woods of cortlandt...the house is nice i guess, but waaay smaller than im used to, and not at all supposed to house 5 people who dislike each other. i dont even have a room, its like, an alcove of the living room, theres no wall seperating my room from the living room yet. ghetto, i know....and you can hear EVERYTHINGG in this damn house, i have no privacy at all! jesus.
lets think of something good thats happened.
well, i was in the city yesterday and i bought the tiniest bowl everrr, its adorable, i cant wait to smoke out of it, should be interesting =)
wow...if anyone can give me tips on how to fucking kick myself in the ass and fix my life instead of sitting here ranting about it, i would greatly appreciate it. now if you'll excuse me, i have to go sleep for 15 hours because im just that awesome. goodnight.