Festering splinters of trauma - unpacking long depression
I've thought for a long time that depression is a survival trait. It's like slow acting adrenaline - it doesn't help you in the immediate moment, nor does it help you in the long term.
But it does mean you can deal with a crisis, without being crippled by psychological trauma and grief.
As such it's a perfectly natural and normal response - akin to a scab or a blister. Everyone does it, and it's generally beneficial. Some stuff doesn't need treatment, it just needs a bit of time to heal.
But not all wounds heal properly on their own. A splinter if left unattended will heal over. But it might get infected, and might be a bit painful too. It might not do you a lot of harm, but it'll be uncomfortable, and it'll stay uncomfortable.
And that's where depression doesn't help us. We pick up splinters of psychological trauma. Little ones that others don't even notice, and larger ones that are painful.
But because we're still 'in the fight' we leave them for later. Because this too is part of survival. Deal with the threat to the tribe then get healed.
And it's why ADHD* brings depression to our door. Because we don't get to stop fighting. ADHD is a persistent ongoing struggle. It's an invisible war. You don't get to 'stop and rest' and let your wounds be treated.
ADHD causes splinters of it's own too. Little moments of failure that you cannot "treat" because you can't understand them. Places where you hurt inside because the only explanation you have is that maybe it's you that's the problem
So your splinters stay right there. Little shards of discomfort buried in your skin. Some barely noticable. Some deep. Some getting infected and painful.
But all will hurt more when they come out again, and this too is we delay. Because we're still fighting an invisible war. We don't have time to be hurting and healing.
And it's building up over time and getting slowly, insidously worse. ADHD probably won't kill you, but depression might very well. And it'll do it slowly. Painfully. By destroying everything that makes you want to keep going.
This is why it's so important that we diagnose, tackle and treat mental health conditions like ADHD. Why acceptance isn't just 'nice' it's vital.
I am diagnosed now, and I'm being treated. I'm pulling out 30 years of festering splinters and it's hurting. More than the wounds in the first place. But it's necessary and it's cathartic too. Because I'm healing as well.
And when I'm healed? ADHD or not, you just try and stop me. I've been fighting on hard mode for 30 years. I have been in training the whole time.
* And other cognitive problems of course, it's just ADHD is the one I'm focussing on right now.