whats on my mind
i can't believe how depressed i am. i really just want summer to be over and for the 22nd of august to come and quickly go so it will be august 23rd and i can start orientation at alfred. i hate it here, my relationship with my mom is very stressed. i'm going to have to go for surgery sometime soon, will find out details on wednesday. i have no friends here, no matter how fucking hard i try to be social and reach out to people, no one is in the least bit reciprocal. even though i tell myself i'm over that boy, my mood is easily swayed by any contact with him. his new vacation makes me suspicious of someone else who may have entered his life in the recent past. even if thats true, it shouldnt affect me. but it does, because i miss him. i miss my friends. this week at least when my mom is out of town one of them will come stay with me one or two nights, she will keep me from total hopelessness. i wish i hadn't opened myself to that boy because now all i want is to show and receive affection. i kept myself from caring about anyone for so long and now all i want is to care. all i can do now is endure these next three weeks and hope that i can get through it with the tiniest piece of self respect. i wish that those who have been in my life for the last seven years, even one or two people, cared enough about me in that time to try to contact me and see me before i leave the state. the way my relationship is now with my mom, it's possible i won't be coming back very often. and you know, good riddance. none of you fuckers seem to care at all.