This is very out of nowhere
I've been really depressed lately. Just, with everything. A lot of it was that I'm really homesick. But like, homesick for the feeling of home, not necessarily my home itself.
If you've seen "Garden State", the part where he talks about 'home', that's how I feel:
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
Don't get me wrong, I love living with Isa and Mary, but, I've been thinking a lot about good times in high school I guess, and just good times with my family, and miss them a lot. Things that yeah, I can't get back, but I still miss 'em.
So a bit ago, I was lying on my bed just thinking. Lying in the dark. Still had my jacket and shoes on. My doors were all open, the lights were on in the rest of the house. Isa was in the kitchen making food. Mary was in her room/the living room on the phone. And I was just lying there, staring at the doorway, listening to it all. And I felt like home for a few minutes. It was SO great lol I could NOT get over it. I layed there for like 20 minutes, no lie.
It felt like when I was little, and we'd come from my German grandma's after like Christmas or some holiday. And I'd lay down on my bed as soon as we got home cuz I was tired, still in my jacket and everything, and just stare out into the hall, listening to everybody. (That makes me sound creepy. I dunno, I did that sometimes... that's legit, no?) Anyway, I got the deju vu of doing that. And felt totally at home.
Maybe that's a sign that everything's gonna be fine? That everything I'm stressing about is still gonna be fine, cuz I thought I couldn't find "home" but for a few minutes I found it at least?
That's a bit deep. We'll change to something else. Tonight I was talking to my brother online and he im'ed me from my mom's screen name:
sobie jaam: my names mom and i'm gay
sobie182: LOL!!!!
sobie jaam: and i made a new password so mike can't go on my sn even though he never does and he just found out you made a new password and he only uses your name when he has to send pictures to him self cause this computer sucks and he can't scan stuff on his screen
sobie jaam: did i mention i'm gay, o yes i did.
sobie jaam: night
sobie jaam: mike's coming on now
sobie jaam: i'm too gay to stay
sobie182: LOL!!!
sobie jaam: my new slogan
sobie jaam: i'm gonna make a my space and thats gonna be my slogan my names mom
sobie jaam: k night
sobie jaam: heres mike
sobie182: LOL k bye mom
sobie jaam: bye:-):-):-) ( did i mention i'm gay and i use a lot of smiley faces when i talk on im)
sobie jaam: well i do
sobie jaam: night though
sobie jaam: i'm mom
sobie jaam: night
Mooserface101 returned at 9:23:13 PM.
Mooserface101: hey sorry mom was on
Mooserface101: k bye
Mooserface101: mom said to tell you she's gay or something
sobie182: lol she would
Mooserface101: i can't really see her through all the smiley faces
That kid is one of the funniest little bitches I know.
I hear "Old School" from the other room. "Snoop...snoop-a-loop! Snoo-- no it's cool it's cool... you can come too, bring your..green..hat, let's go, we're going streaking!"
If you've seen "Garden State", the part where he talks about 'home', that's how I feel:
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
Don't get me wrong, I love living with Isa and Mary, but, I've been thinking a lot about good times in high school I guess, and just good times with my family, and miss them a lot. Things that yeah, I can't get back, but I still miss 'em.
So a bit ago, I was lying on my bed just thinking. Lying in the dark. Still had my jacket and shoes on. My doors were all open, the lights were on in the rest of the house. Isa was in the kitchen making food. Mary was in her room/the living room on the phone. And I was just lying there, staring at the doorway, listening to it all. And I felt like home for a few minutes. It was SO great lol I could NOT get over it. I layed there for like 20 minutes, no lie.
It felt like when I was little, and we'd come from my German grandma's after like Christmas or some holiday. And I'd lay down on my bed as soon as we got home cuz I was tired, still in my jacket and everything, and just stare out into the hall, listening to everybody. (That makes me sound creepy. I dunno, I did that sometimes... that's legit, no?) Anyway, I got the deju vu of doing that. And felt totally at home.
Maybe that's a sign that everything's gonna be fine? That everything I'm stressing about is still gonna be fine, cuz I thought I couldn't find "home" but for a few minutes I found it at least?
That's a bit deep. We'll change to something else. Tonight I was talking to my brother online and he im'ed me from my mom's screen name:
sobie jaam: my names mom and i'm gay
sobie182: LOL!!!!
sobie jaam: and i made a new password so mike can't go on my sn even though he never does and he just found out you made a new password and he only uses your name when he has to send pictures to him self cause this computer sucks and he can't scan stuff on his screen
sobie jaam: did i mention i'm gay, o yes i did.
sobie jaam: night
sobie jaam: mike's coming on now
sobie jaam: i'm too gay to stay
sobie182: LOL!!!
sobie jaam: my new slogan
sobie jaam: i'm gonna make a my space and thats gonna be my slogan my names mom
sobie jaam: k night
sobie jaam: heres mike
sobie182: LOL k bye mom
sobie jaam: bye:-):-):-) ( did i mention i'm gay and i use a lot of smiley faces when i talk on im)
sobie jaam: well i do
sobie jaam: night though
sobie jaam: i'm mom
sobie jaam: night
Mooserface101 returned at 9:23:13 PM.
Mooserface101: hey sorry mom was on
Mooserface101: k bye
Mooserface101: mom said to tell you she's gay or something
sobie182: lol she would
Mooserface101: i can't really see her through all the smiley faces
That kid is one of the funniest little bitches I know.
I hear "Old School" from the other room. "Snoop...snoop-a-loop! Snoo-- no it's cool it's cool... you can come too, bring your..green..hat, let's go, we're going streaking!"