So I heard you like mudki- wait, start over.
So, FOX wants to bring Torchwood to America.
NO.
Why do I object? Because Americans fucked up their effort at Red Dwarf. Because Americans copy British shows regularly, and should be writing their own bloody stuff.
Because Americans will have no gay characters in this show, or they'll give us a female gay character, because lesbians are less threatening to the North American mindset. But only one. She'll hit on other women and make them really uncomfortable, and then they'll kill her off Suzie-style, in the first episode. Or they'll keep her on as a novelty, waving her at the audience like some sort of aren't-we-hip flag: See, we're totally accepting of you weird and icky gay folks! We even let her be good-looking and have long hair, unlike those scary butch chicks we all assume you lesbos are. Pretty awesome of us, huh?
Bah. OK, and even if they don't do THAT, they won't have the sense of humour that pervades even the angstiest episode of Original Torchwood. They'll try too hard, and have two dinosaurs in Torchwood America, and their base will either be something thoroughly high-tech and clean-room-like, or a rust-riddled bunker in some backwater with a not-as-clever-as Get-Smart way of gaining entry.
Plus, they'll bulk up the team so there's a full Five Man Band plus redshirts, and every episode will wind up being a metaphor for social issues and will over-explain to the audience worse than CSI:NY does.
Absolute nightmare thought: What if David Caruso wants to leave CSI: Miami? They might put him in Torchwood, and then we'd have to form a posse and properly kill RTD. I can picture the opening sequence now:
Colonel Richard ("Call me Dick.") Swagger strides purposefully through rooms occupied by military men and subtly futuristic equipment, sunglasses halfway down his nose. He eyeballs a closed door, and opens it in a manly way, thrusting himself into the room.
Seated at an uplit table complete with three-dimensional displays of several planets and a couple of alien species (Weevils, a fish-man), we see The Tech Guy, Jim Geekson: he's scruffy and obnoxious and smarter than you, and he likes Star Trek, but only the original series. He's played by David Duchovny, or possibly Alan Ruck in ageing stoner mode.
To his left is The Social Conscience, Billy Budzianowska-Kwiatkowski, who's fresh out of college and likes, uh, girls and mocha lattes and saving the planet, and wants everyone to get along, plus he's really good at social-engineering sentient aliens, no seriously. He's played by Haley Joel Osment, since he can't get hired anywhere else now that he's not kid-cute any longer.
To his left, The Gun Fanatic, Tiffany Killmaster, who is A GAY and therefore thinks unlike a woman, which is what makes her a better gun guy than most guys. Trufax. Jane is supermodel attractive and wears make-up and has large, perfect breasts. Near the end of the first season, she will begin a scene in the middle of a conversation with a redshirt about the type of tits she likes best on other women. She's played by Megan Fox, who thinks that portraying a gay woman on TV is a career move that erases every stupid thing she's said since high school.
Rounding out this team of American Awesome, we have Tony Stiffley, the part-time chaplain/archivist, who simply can't believe the cray-zee things the universe keeps throwing at Torchwood America, and who is emotionally paralysed by the realisation that aliens don't have any particular attachment to the concept of a rewarding afterlife. He is frequently to be found sipping from an engraved flask, when he's not encountering aliens and muffing the social niceties utterly. He's played by Andy Dick, following a stint in rehab and finally getting his medication properly balanced.
Colonel Swagger surveys his people proudly, reserving a mildly exasperated look for Jim, who's not wearing his uniform to regulation, but it's OK because he's the one who makes the beepy-boxes work, and figures out how to translate alien babble into sensible American language. After each team member has given the Colonel a nod, or a thumbs-up, or a semi-suggestive smirk, he reaches up and jerks his sunglasses off.
The Who does not do the intro music, and nobody screams, "YEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
But they DO all call him Chief.
Yeah, that went long. I'm not sure if it's funny or just incoherent, but I'm laughing right now.
NO.
Why do I object? Because Americans fucked up their effort at Red Dwarf. Because Americans copy British shows regularly, and should be writing their own bloody stuff.
Because Americans will have no gay characters in this show, or they'll give us a female gay character, because lesbians are less threatening to the North American mindset. But only one. She'll hit on other women and make them really uncomfortable, and then they'll kill her off Suzie-style, in the first episode. Or they'll keep her on as a novelty, waving her at the audience like some sort of aren't-we-hip flag: See, we're totally accepting of you weird and icky gay folks! We even let her be good-looking and have long hair, unlike those scary butch chicks we all assume you lesbos are. Pretty awesome of us, huh?
Bah. OK, and even if they don't do THAT, they won't have the sense of humour that pervades even the angstiest episode of Original Torchwood. They'll try too hard, and have two dinosaurs in Torchwood America, and their base will either be something thoroughly high-tech and clean-room-like, or a rust-riddled bunker in some backwater with a not-as-clever-as Get-Smart way of gaining entry.
Plus, they'll bulk up the team so there's a full Five Man Band plus redshirts, and every episode will wind up being a metaphor for social issues and will over-explain to the audience worse than CSI:NY does.
Absolute nightmare thought: What if David Caruso wants to leave CSI: Miami? They might put him in Torchwood, and then we'd have to form a posse and properly kill RTD. I can picture the opening sequence now:
Colonel Richard ("Call me Dick.") Swagger strides purposefully through rooms occupied by military men and subtly futuristic equipment, sunglasses halfway down his nose. He eyeballs a closed door, and opens it in a manly way, thrusting himself into the room.
Seated at an uplit table complete with three-dimensional displays of several planets and a couple of alien species (Weevils, a fish-man), we see The Tech Guy, Jim Geekson: he's scruffy and obnoxious and smarter than you, and he likes Star Trek, but only the original series. He's played by David Duchovny, or possibly Alan Ruck in ageing stoner mode.
To his left is The Social Conscience, Billy Budzianowska-Kwiatkowski, who's fresh out of college and likes, uh, girls and mocha lattes and saving the planet, and wants everyone to get along, plus he's really good at social-engineering sentient aliens, no seriously. He's played by Haley Joel Osment, since he can't get hired anywhere else now that he's not kid-cute any longer.
To his left, The Gun Fanatic, Tiffany Killmaster, who is A GAY and therefore thinks unlike a woman, which is what makes her a better gun guy than most guys. Trufax. Jane is supermodel attractive and wears make-up and has large, perfect breasts. Near the end of the first season, she will begin a scene in the middle of a conversation with a redshirt about the type of tits she likes best on other women. She's played by Megan Fox, who thinks that portraying a gay woman on TV is a career move that erases every stupid thing she's said since high school.
Rounding out this team of American Awesome, we have Tony Stiffley, the part-time chaplain/archivist, who simply can't believe the cray-zee things the universe keeps throwing at Torchwood America, and who is emotionally paralysed by the realisation that aliens don't have any particular attachment to the concept of a rewarding afterlife. He is frequently to be found sipping from an engraved flask, when he's not encountering aliens and muffing the social niceties utterly. He's played by Andy Dick, following a stint in rehab and finally getting his medication properly balanced.
Colonel Swagger surveys his people proudly, reserving a mildly exasperated look for Jim, who's not wearing his uniform to regulation, but it's OK because he's the one who makes the beepy-boxes work, and figures out how to translate alien babble into sensible American language. After each team member has given the Colonel a nod, or a thumbs-up, or a semi-suggestive smirk, he reaches up and jerks his sunglasses off.
The Who does not do the intro music, and nobody screams, "YEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
But they DO all call him Chief.
Yeah, that went long. I'm not sure if it's funny or just incoherent, but I'm laughing right now.