It Was Bound to Happen
I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly. Things must cycle back and forth, really. Even when I think I am happy and well, if I expose myself to it for too long, too much, then I slide closer and closer to burn out. All of the traveling lately, all of the visiting, the lack of sleep. I haven't really slept-in in a while. I should have today, but I feel bad, literally quite guilty if I stay up late and then sleep in. Even if I can, it's like I am wasting part of the day, and in the long run I know that I am just hurting myself because I won't be able to sleep in in the coming days and weeks and months.
Anyway, a summation of my feelings, as written to a friend this evening:
"Last night of freedom." Right. Lol, it's already been really crazy. I've met twenty or thirty new people (students and staff and other locals,) and we've been doing stuff every night already. Actually, they are all still at this game night/meet and greet thing and I bailed early. Thank goodness for a good sense of direction, otherwise I would have been on my own!
To be honest, I am happy and everything, and I am glad to be here, and I know it's only been a week so far, but I haven't really found my niche yet. Maybe I am frustrated because most of the people I am around seem super comfortable with one another and like they have already found "where they belong," if you know what I mean. But it's hard to just break into a huge group of people and feel like you belong. Hard for me anyway. And everyone wants to talk to everyone else, but there are some people who, for whatever reason, you just *don't* want to talk to, you know? It's sad, and it sounds bad, but it's true. And so everyone starts talking to everyone else and I feel like I am not really putting any *roots* down. And it's just really tiring trying to make small talk all of the time. I am not good at small talk. At least not for long periods of time. I need substance, and so far I am not getting a lot of substance. That and it's hard for me to just come out and SAY that I need something like, "Hey, if you guys go out to dinner after Sabbath services, I need you to invite me so I feel like I am part of the group," or, "Hey I need you to talk to me too so like I feel like I am included." I mean, doesn't that just sound whiny?
All of that said, it's not all crazy like that, but sometimes when we're in group settings I just want to have someone I *know* and all of the people I know just know other people *better* so I start feeling left out... Sigh
And it's not all bad. I don't mean to give that impression. I did get to hang out with some good friends this evening. Matt Beech is here, and I am so glad. I don't mean to turn this into a cultural thing at all, but sometimes it's just good to have people who know where you're coming from. Who know you. I guess Matt is proving himself to be the closest person to me in that respect. Weird.
That's where I am, only I am better now. I talked to Rudy on the phone for a while this evening and just had an escape out of things. We talked about Boston and visiting and this upcoming Dallas weekend that many, many people (only not this person) are going to. A costume party, his class work, feeling tired, mutual friends. He said I was pretty much obligated to go to Boston [and NYC] for Spring Break now, and I find myself not minding at all :)
Earenwe, we seriously need to talk about dates soon so that I can find sometime accomodating to come visit. I don't want to do all of the touristy stuff. Only hang out at the places you like to go. If that happens to be a museum every now and then, that's fine, but mostly I want to spend time with you. Then go to Boston. Crazy! I will send you dates soon.
Now I am just going to go stalk Post Secret and then finish off Black Like Me. Yay for reading! I think all of my 回転外人 would really like the book, just for future reference.