Issues, Issues, Issues
The past couple of weeks have really sucked for me. I have this overwhelming pressure to be everything to everyone. I feel like I am being pulled a million different directions and can't do anyone justice because of it. I am trying to do what I need to do at work, then try to get 3 kids ready for school that starts Monday, get Chris everything he needs to move to Austin and get him packed, and not to mention housework that has fallen seriously behind. THEN, I am really feeling like crap because I'm a cow. I have been seriously depressed, on the edge of tears and a breakdown and can't seem to pull myself out. Pete tries to help me, but he can't. He's a MAN. For example, we had this discussion about my weight. He told me to look into some sort of nutrition program so I did. I tell him about it and he jumps my case because he thinks I want it right now. Well, in a sense, yes, but I understand that it takes money and it may take some time. In the same conversation, he proceeds to tell me about this "Hot chick" that came in the store. He told me about her "nice tits, small waist and nice ass". My mouth about dropped. So as if that were not bad enough he then goes on to say that he could never be with a girl like that because he would be worried all the time that she would leave him and that guys would be giving her all this attention. He also said that he would have to be extra attentive to keep her interested. So I turned and said, "Well thank God you married me, the ugly fat cow that I am. You don't have to be attentive and nobody would give me a second look, so NO WORRIES ASSHOLE!" So I said fuck it and left work feeling lower than I had been in the first place. He then called me and said that he didn't need my shit right now because he had enough going on already. I just hung up the phone and started crying. I then realized that I will not have anyone to cry to after Chris is gone. See, he understands what a dickhead his father is and is often witness to his lack of compassion. We sometimes sit and discuss things and I feel better. Chris and I bitch about him to each other. So I am feeling super fat, super ugly, and lonely all at the same time. So yeah, it's been a bad day. My life is an unadulterated mess right now. Hopefully it'll straighten out soon.