about me. about my drinking. first entry.
i figure starting a journal to vent anonymously and meet people who are going through a similar experience is a good idea. i'm just going to start at the beginning, when it comes to my drinking.
i drank for the first time when i was 14, i think. (well you know - DRANK drank. i had probably snuck beer before, but i'm not counting that.) tequila, at ( Read more... )
Are you me? Seriously. This is hilarious! Some people have no idea what the hell to do with me. I've grown less introverted and awkward over the years, thankfully. In some ways, I've become the performance, which is really quite a good thing, rather than a bad one. Performing led me to be comfortable enough to be 'out there' and gradually I made pieces of myself that I hid become part of the performance and vice versa. Other than hiding the obvious, I feel most authentically me when I'm teaching, which is such a performance. Gradually, I've let that seep into my more personal conversations. It's hard to explain. Gah!
I've only been to two meetings, so I don't know how much of the spiritual side of AA I'm actually seeing, but it looks like the point of the spirituality of it is simply to trust that there is a higher power out there who's got you so that you can release your need to try to control and manage and deal with everything alone and with substances, rather than having people preaching at you. I've known a few people who have gone and we share similar spiritual beliefs and it is pretty compatible. I'm a pretty non-traditional Christian, I guess you'd say. I have a church that I love and that helps me a lot. Thus far, AA seems to be supplementary to whichever faith you have, rather than a new faith that you have to adopt. I definitely plan on relying upon my church and my personal faith, but AA is a chance for me to affirm myself and others who are all relying on our individual and personal faiths together, if that makes sense.
I actually was surprised at how the focus DIDN'T seem to be on spirituality. It was there, sure, but that wasn't the point. The point was more to just show up and support each other and relate to one another. Some people mentioned it more than others. Some people made it clear that religion didn't work for them but being there with everyone else and healing together did. There are tons of different AA groups. I'm sure some have developed a greater focus on religion than others. If one doesn't work, another might.
I know I'm at the point where I can't keep my spirituality separate from my recovery. I've tried, but for me it's like hiding the addiction away so no one can tell me not to keep doing it. I need to finally surrender my need to control everything and realize that feeling things doesn't mean I'm out-of-control. I have to give that control to someone trustworthy and God just seems like the right dude to trust, you know? :)
You restrict, too! I feel like such a selfish bitch for saying this, but I can't tell you how excited I was to read that. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I'm glad I've found someone who can relate.
I hope so, too. :)
Reply
http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test.php
i like the second test which includes your instinctual variant, because the variant says so much more than i used to think it did. but it wouldn't hurt to take the first version also, to be sure you test correctly, or even to take this one:
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/dis_sample_36.asp
to see if the result is the same. anyway, i'm a 4w3 sx/so. my 3 wing is completely responsible for my performance side. none of this will make any sense to you if you don't know anything about the enneagram, haha, but i'm fairly fixated on it as a self-understanding tool, and to relate to others. the type 3 personality is a great performer, and so good at picking up on how to relate to other people, no matter who they are around. if it wasn't for that facet of my personality, i would be much more introverted and even worse socially. in the past, i've been almost ashamed of that part of me which could "act" for people, but i'm beginning to think that if i use it in a healthy way, it could be a great way to relate and get outside myself a bit.
thanks for the words on AA. i guess i still haven't made my mind up there! my husband is going to have to go to 12 step meetings that are based on the AA approach... maybe i'll wait until he goes and see what he thinks. or maybe i'll just find my own group, one try can't hurt me. i know that the group dynamic seems to be helpful when recovering from anything.
I know I'm at the point where I can't keep my spirituality separate from my recovery. I've tried, but for me it's like hiding the addiction away so no one can tell me not to keep doing it.
that really struck me. maybe i'm trying to do that. i'm not sure. honestly, my spirituality isn't what it used to be. or, maybe it's never been what i wished it was. i'm starting to think that my discomfort with feeling controlled or inhibited by a person might have carried over into my relationship with god. because it seems there are times when i'm able to feel very close to god, but without fail i end up frustrated and running away. i've read in the past that it's possible for your relationship with your parents to later affect how you view the concept of god - how well you can relate to this parent-figure in your life - and unfortunately, i wonder if that's been a bit damaged for me. that's something i need to explore further, i think. i am afraid i'm projecting a personality on god that isn't correct, or motives on him that aren't correct. which might be causing me to try and keep the alcohol addiction and him seperate. just like i haven't really talked to my parents about it yet...
haha! you aren't a selfish bitch for saying that. the restricting has come and gone - i was really bad about 8 years ago, then it went away, then it came back 2 years later, went away, then 3 years later... it comes and goes in my life, much like most of my addictions. i don't consciously restrict now - i refuse to let myself count calories like i used to, and i don't weigh myself - but i also don't feed myself until there is no other choice. i know i deny myself food when i'm hungry, especially when i'm alone. i don't withhold food from myself in a purposeful manner, the way i used to, but i do ignore my body. it's like the difference between punishing a crying baby by not feeding it, or just ignoring the crying baby because you'd rather watch soaps and the damn baby cries too much anyway. just a less direct form, i guess. so yes, i can absolutely relate to that.
Reply
Leave a comment