cat pee??
i thought our cats were OVER this... last night, one of them (probably james brown) peed on my hubby's work clothes that he left out for this morning! and i just changed their litter yesterday. i don't get it! i know james doesn't like him, but it's unlike her to make a habit out of peeing on his stuff. it makes him so mad, and though it is a tiny ( Read more... )
I hope you are right and I hope the urges go away completely very soon. I doubt that they will, but that doesn't mean you can't withstand them. They feel unstoppable, but they aren't. For me, anyway, they come up when I'm feeling something specific. I know that it is that which I have to address. The drug urge is just the signal for the underlying feeling.
One of the things that is nice about AA is that they have meetings happening several times a day, everyday. So, when people feel the urge, they just go to a meeting. I don't know if your meetings are like that, but as a fallback plan, finding out where the AA meetings are for that support might not be a bad idea. You can do the program that you are in, but still go to AA if needed. Just a thought. I went to two yesterday. It is nice knowing that it is there and between meetings, I can play cards or whatever with people who are sober.
I hope the therapist calls you back soon as well, but you have other resources to use in the meantime. The therapist will be a help, but you have you and your desire to stop and no therapist can do a lick of good unless you have that most important thing, and you do. I know how my mind works, and if the therapist didn't call me back, I'd be so tempted to use that as a justification for taking something. You may not be this way, but I am, hence the reason I'm saying something just in case. :)
I read your Bible passage. I like the Bible, but I tend to focus more on the New Testament. It's hard for me to reconcile believing in an all-powerful God who is capable of the ultimate love (which would be unconditional) and a God who would turn his back on me if I messed up.
I don't believe God ever turns his back on us, even when we f___ up royally. When we f____ up royally, however, we are turning our backs on him. He'll still be there when we right ourselves. It's our responsibility not to turn away. He doesn't forsake us. Ever. If he's not there, it's because we've forsaken him and are blind to the fact that he's still there. He's all-knowing. He gets that we're learning and that we're going to screw up along the way. The point is to keep growing toward him. If we learn from our errors and allow these errors to bring us closer to him, then its all good.
This way of thinking has been really helpful to me in the healing process of everything. It's allowed me to actually become MORE spiritual and close to God. If it doesn't help you, disregard it. :)
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i'm sure i'll still have urges - hopefully, they aren't as consuming as this first week. i'm hoping i get over the restlessness, and can just BE, sit and read and relax without thinking "alcohol alcohol alcohol alcohol." especially at night, it's like there's this pesky voice just repeating those words in my head. last night, i had a break from it for the first time, and i'm hoping it's starting to quiet down.
it's funny; it seems like my desire to drink comes from 2 places - & it has 2 levels of NEED. there's the actual addiction, which is driven by emotion, & makes me want to drink furiously; and there's the habit, which is this nagging feeling that i would be more comfortable with a beer in my hand. the habit is just from night after night of drinking. it's a bit easier to resist, but it's a constant discomfort. right now, breaking that habit is what's bugging me.
no, this meeting is only once a week. that's really a good idea, i hadn't thought of that - i will check up on the AA meetings, in case i need somewhere to go on a rough night. plus, i know that there are AA groups that meet closer to where i live - so that can be a help. thanks for the tip.
you are right! & i feel bad admitting it a bit. but yes, if i didn't hear back from her i'd get frustrated, and feel like no one wants to help me out, and i would probably resentfully do something stupid or be tempted to. thanks for the reminder. i can keep working on my self-analysis until i hear back from her. and if she doesn't call back, maybe i'd be better off finding a different one.
i do agree that the NT is generally more applicable. the OT was for israel, & deals with that covenant, which was replaced. most of my favorite verses are in the christian scriptures, but i love the psalms & proverbs, and some of the lessons in the OT. i think a lot of people feel that the two testaments aren't compatible, and i understand that. i guess i've gotten to a point where i feel like he always meant for the message to be the same. there were times that jesus rebuked people for being hypocrites, for disrespecting sacred things, for being deceitful; i guess i see a sense of justice that carries through the entire bible, but was expressed in different ways to different people. even in the OT, there are some amazing verses about his willingness to forgive, his love for his people, his sadness over having to discipline them, and his desire to take care of them. so those scriptures mean a lot to me.
and i do agree with you. god never leaves us; we leave him. which actually reminds me of one of the OT scriptures i love, in deuteronomy 4:29-31,
But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have come upon you, in the latter days you will return to the LORD your God and listen to His voice. For the LORD your God is a compassionate God; He will not fail you nor destroy you.
it never says he leaves you; but it acknowledges that sometimes you leave him, and you can return and expect his compassion and forgiveness. i have to keep reminding myself of these things; i have a hard time because it seems like every time i start to build a relationship with him, i FREAK OUT and turn away and start doing the worst things. i think it relates back to what drives my addictions - feeling controlled, never feeling good enough, feeling "bad." for example, before i got REALLY bad with drinking, i felt like i had been "let down" by god, which made me feel like i must not be good enough somehow. instead of being reasonable - that god doesn't allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, that maybe this rough period will make me stronger - i felt abandoned, and then guilty, and then i started drinking like a madman. so it's good for me to keep reminding myself of these things.
as a matter of fact, i might start covering everything in post-its with positive little reminders. couldn't hurt.
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