exactly who does he think he is?
i can't tolerate people.
i get a message in my facebook inbox from C. "i'm in st. augustine, i haven't been here in a long time. just wanted to say hi and see how you were."
my gripes with this message - he knows i'm married. he also knows that we have very different lives - lives so different, in fact, that we can NEVER be friends. he actually turned his back violently on the things that i care the most about. and i won't pretend it didn't happen. also, he knew that mentioning "our place," st. augustine, would bring back a flood of memories and emotions that i really don't want in my head.
i was already feeling a bit of pressure to drink, as today was a frustratingly unproductive day. nothing went as it was supposed to, and i was feeling guilty for not getting anything done - and because i don't have any intention of trying to repair this laziness until tomorrow.
and then i got this message, and it just made it WORSE. how, in so few words, can so many memories come back? the full moon rising over the castillo de san marcos, from the top floor of the mill. sitting together on the fountain and just staring into each other's eyes. smoking cigars together at the sea wall. fooling around in the upstairs bathroom of stogies.
there are bad memories too, of course, but the point is - i don't want the memories, period.
if i had been home alone, honestly, i would've responded. but my husband happened to be home from work when i got the message, looking over my shoulder. there was no way i could do anything but laugh it off and delete it. and that brings the old flood - feeling controlled, unable to speak to someone i wish i could, restrained from the romantic/sexual/emotional connection i feel.
i think my addictions are often, if not always, triggered in situations where i feel restrained from fully expressing myself on a sexual / romantic level - because of a male authority figure i feel obligated to / controlled by. this pattern dates from early family situations, carries through my adolescence, and even exists now. when i feel that way... i lose it.
i feel like drinking. i feel like smoking again, and it's been ages! i feel frustrated and i want to shut my mind OFF. i want my C memories to go away - the good ones. i want the good ones to go away, because it feels wrong to have those memories, to feel these feelings, when i am married - and when he is such a (i hate to use the word, but for lack of a better one) bad person. i should feel nothing for him. out of loyalty to god and my husband, i shouldn't want to reply to his message. i shouldn't think back longingly on the time when i was young and everything was perfect and bright and i was optimistic, and i loved, loved, loved him - and he loved me - and the world was perfect and beautiful and shining. where does that get me? what does that give me?
i feel this incredible urge to take control of my emotions back somehow, to refuse to let C OR god OR my husband influence - whether directly or indirectly - how i feel about myself or anything else! i want to shut off the guilt and frustration. i should do this in a proactive way. but how? when all i want is to self-destruct? >: /