(no subject)
guess theres not much to say. there never is. yet I always say so much. you know, I'm pretty simple too. had my dreams of glory and fame. afraid of the thought that some day I'd be forgotten and cease to exist. but that's unimportant. trivial. it's on the same page of christians focusing so much on not sinning in this life so they can go to heaven. but it's not worth worrying about so much that I don't get time to live in the moment. and it'll be hard to be happy to live in the moment if the moment happens to be a cardboard box. so its important to look out, yea, but not so far that you can't look back. or else you'll get lost. existance is malleable. it's a decision. one that you've made. or anyone who exists has made. nothing will ever happen to you. not even love. even love is a decision. in the end it's an empty little word that you have to fill with meaning. it's not there to begin with. that's what irritates me about divorce rates in our country. it would seem that people just expect a good, healthy marriage to happen to them. you have to work for it. you have to make it. you can't just expect the passion of new love to last after ten years of the same morning routine, the same setting, the same damn sex positions. You have to make it work. It's the same with life. We all start off with different sorts of tools or whatever. I had my parents wealth and a small town community to set me up. But no matter what you start with, you still have to make it work.
A lot has gone on in the past. I regret too much. And currently, I'm crying because of the future. and sitting here in the present causes a dull ache. but I have made a decision.
and me... Im simple, really. there's a lot in my head, all of the time, that would suggest otherwise... but in the end, all I want is someone to share with, a place to crash my ass and raise my kids, and something to keep me occupied in the meantime. all I really want is to stand up on my own and to have someone around to stand next to me. Someone who'll notice me prance through life and applaud. Really, someone to trust. Someone who'll share with me a child to raise so we can watch him/her prace through life too. I want to take it in, and breath it out.
And you know what? There is no particular someone. To me, all that matters is the trust. someone to trust enough to spare the crap, spare the drama, spare the guilt trips and all of those things I use to guard myself and to just let in.
I think my biggest fear is never finding that person. But in the end, there is no particular person. It's a decision that I have to make. A decision that I have started to make. And am regretting. And I don't know what to do. Because I ran too far ahead and now I'm lost.
hrm.
(two years.)
A lot has gone on in the past. I regret too much. And currently, I'm crying because of the future. and sitting here in the present causes a dull ache. but I have made a decision.
and me... Im simple, really. there's a lot in my head, all of the time, that would suggest otherwise... but in the end, all I want is someone to share with, a place to crash my ass and raise my kids, and something to keep me occupied in the meantime. all I really want is to stand up on my own and to have someone around to stand next to me. Someone who'll notice me prance through life and applaud. Really, someone to trust. Someone who'll share with me a child to raise so we can watch him/her prace through life too. I want to take it in, and breath it out.
And you know what? There is no particular someone. To me, all that matters is the trust. someone to trust enough to spare the crap, spare the drama, spare the guilt trips and all of those things I use to guard myself and to just let in.
I think my biggest fear is never finding that person. But in the end, there is no particular person. It's a decision that I have to make. A decision that I have started to make. And am regretting. And I don't know what to do. Because I ran too far ahead and now I'm lost.
hrm.
(two years.)