Usual ramblings
I'm not entirely sure what it is that's prompting me to write anything right now.
I'm starting to feel like a senior. I've been feeling the pressures regarding graduation (i.e. finding a job, writing my thesis, etc.) for a while now, but now that I'm actually doing these things, things I have thought about doing for years now, I can honestly say that I feel different. I am in constant awe of my ability to complete the monolithic tasks before me in a competent fashion. Strangely, I have come to realize how I have grown, especially my maturity and work ethics; while I still think of myself as an irresponsible slacker, such a sentiment is based more on my unyielding and impossibly high expectations of myself than any true or accurate depiction of how I spend my time. Little Eric has grown up, and I'm having the strangest sense of surreal fulfillment.
On another note, I want to say a few things about former girlfriends I've had. No Brooke, this does not specifically pertain to you. I feel like I've had three distinct epochs in my life: my childhood through the age of 14, my middle years from 14-18, and my college years. I realize this is a pretty generic distinction, but I've thought about this subject a lot. I can break down my life history into those pretty specific eras based on any number of factors, one of which being girlfriends and/or girls in general as they pertain to my outlook on life.
I think my life has been a constant search for how I handle my own unrelenting self-reliance. Due to experiences I had as a child, I can honestly (read: hopefully in an unbiased way) say that people perceive my independence as repugnant. My family treats it as an insult to their perceived importance, friends and acquaintances have often seen it as me being distant and unemotional, and anyone who has gotten close to me have historically been unable to cope with my severe (and intentional, for good or ill) isolationism.
One problem I have had with women is that I perceive in myself flaws which I cannot ameliorate. I have been systematically shown that I'm supposed to depend on others, have someone in my life that I rely on for emotional support. In many ways, I have done this. Angie, being my first girlfriend, got (rather unfortunately) the full range of my nascent attempts at relying on someone else. I was new to the task, however, and rather than relying on her for mere support I forced her (and her family, to some extent) to be active participants in my growth and struggle away from the horrors of my experiences in life. I realize that what I did was unfair from a variety of perspectives, and while I have apologized to her for my actions, my later relationships show a definite learning from my experiences with her.
Fast forward to my most recent relationships (ok Brooke, this part is about you). I still struggle with how to "rely" on someone else and maintain my own sense of independence and self-support. I've never been the kind of person to run to anyone else and ask for a solution; I want to make my own decisions, suffer the consequences and reap the rewards based on the actions I choose to take. Now, I realize that this is completely impossible given the context of a proper, intimate relationship with another person. I've always considered myself to be a relationship kind of guy; I relish the opportunity to become intimate with someone else, someone I can share my weird thoughts and personality with.
I think my biggest problem now is that I don't know how to show affection. I used to write poetry, make myself look stupid, and in general have a much more positive self-deprecating sense of humor. I've become so much more sardonic now that I find it hard to show interest or even compliment someone without convincing myself that what I'm saying is stupid, or that I could say it better. Whereas once I was a critic of myself, I have now become my own worst and most vicious critic.
I've taken to writing now, more than ever, to convey my thoughts and feelings. It's funny how doing something over six years ago to impress a girl who was already crazy about me became something I rely on to comprehend my life now. I look through material I've written from past conflicts and joyous experiences, and I inevitably cringe. Some of the stuff I've written is good, even I can see that, but like some artists I just can't bear to look at or hear anything I've written in the past. I consider myself to have been a different person, the thoughts I had then completely foreign to the state of mind I'm currently in.
I also wonder if it's a good move on my part to let others read what I write, specifically the poetry. It's so intimate that I wonder if people who read it will be shocked at what I think or how I deal with my experiences. Of the two people who read my narrative over January, I am willing to bet both were (on some level) shocked with what I had to say. Contrary to popular belief, I dislike shock merely for its own sake.
Gah, now I'm rambling. I need to go to class anyway.
I'm starting to feel like a senior. I've been feeling the pressures regarding graduation (i.e. finding a job, writing my thesis, etc.) for a while now, but now that I'm actually doing these things, things I have thought about doing for years now, I can honestly say that I feel different. I am in constant awe of my ability to complete the monolithic tasks before me in a competent fashion. Strangely, I have come to realize how I have grown, especially my maturity and work ethics; while I still think of myself as an irresponsible slacker, such a sentiment is based more on my unyielding and impossibly high expectations of myself than any true or accurate depiction of how I spend my time. Little Eric has grown up, and I'm having the strangest sense of surreal fulfillment.
On another note, I want to say a few things about former girlfriends I've had. No Brooke, this does not specifically pertain to you. I feel like I've had three distinct epochs in my life: my childhood through the age of 14, my middle years from 14-18, and my college years. I realize this is a pretty generic distinction, but I've thought about this subject a lot. I can break down my life history into those pretty specific eras based on any number of factors, one of which being girlfriends and/or girls in general as they pertain to my outlook on life.
I think my life has been a constant search for how I handle my own unrelenting self-reliance. Due to experiences I had as a child, I can honestly (read: hopefully in an unbiased way) say that people perceive my independence as repugnant. My family treats it as an insult to their perceived importance, friends and acquaintances have often seen it as me being distant and unemotional, and anyone who has gotten close to me have historically been unable to cope with my severe (and intentional, for good or ill) isolationism.
One problem I have had with women is that I perceive in myself flaws which I cannot ameliorate. I have been systematically shown that I'm supposed to depend on others, have someone in my life that I rely on for emotional support. In many ways, I have done this. Angie, being my first girlfriend, got (rather unfortunately) the full range of my nascent attempts at relying on someone else. I was new to the task, however, and rather than relying on her for mere support I forced her (and her family, to some extent) to be active participants in my growth and struggle away from the horrors of my experiences in life. I realize that what I did was unfair from a variety of perspectives, and while I have apologized to her for my actions, my later relationships show a definite learning from my experiences with her.
Fast forward to my most recent relationships (ok Brooke, this part is about you). I still struggle with how to "rely" on someone else and maintain my own sense of independence and self-support. I've never been the kind of person to run to anyone else and ask for a solution; I want to make my own decisions, suffer the consequences and reap the rewards based on the actions I choose to take. Now, I realize that this is completely impossible given the context of a proper, intimate relationship with another person. I've always considered myself to be a relationship kind of guy; I relish the opportunity to become intimate with someone else, someone I can share my weird thoughts and personality with.
I think my biggest problem now is that I don't know how to show affection. I used to write poetry, make myself look stupid, and in general have a much more positive self-deprecating sense of humor. I've become so much more sardonic now that I find it hard to show interest or even compliment someone without convincing myself that what I'm saying is stupid, or that I could say it better. Whereas once I was a critic of myself, I have now become my own worst and most vicious critic.
I've taken to writing now, more than ever, to convey my thoughts and feelings. It's funny how doing something over six years ago to impress a girl who was already crazy about me became something I rely on to comprehend my life now. I look through material I've written from past conflicts and joyous experiences, and I inevitably cringe. Some of the stuff I've written is good, even I can see that, but like some artists I just can't bear to look at or hear anything I've written in the past. I consider myself to have been a different person, the thoughts I had then completely foreign to the state of mind I'm currently in.
I also wonder if it's a good move on my part to let others read what I write, specifically the poetry. It's so intimate that I wonder if people who read it will be shocked at what I think or how I deal with my experiences. Of the two people who read my narrative over January, I am willing to bet both were (on some level) shocked with what I had to say. Contrary to popular belief, I dislike shock merely for its own sake.
Gah, now I'm rambling. I need to go to class anyway.