Notes on Marriage Part 10

[soaraway]

Notes from Chapter 10 of Rabbi Pliskin's book, "Marriage":

• If you find yourself in a negative state, keep your focus on the state that you do want, not the one you don't want.
• Seven tips for accessing the state/mood you wish:
  • Change your present physiology or posture to the way it is when you are in the desired state.  Try as an exercise looking in a mirror and smiling and waving to yourself.  You will immediately feel an emotional lift.
  • Remember a time in the past when you were in the specific state in which you now wish to be.
  • Imagine being in a certain state in the future.
  • Think of people who exemplify specific states that you want for yourself.
  • Ask yourself questions that enable you to access states.
  • Use the tone of voice of the state you want.
  • Use positive "anchors" to access positive states.  An "anchor" is any sound, word, picture, image, motion, or touch that causes a reaction.  When you are in a positive or relaxed state, create an anchor to access it again in the future.  When you find that something is a positive anchor for your spouse, increase the use of that anchor.  When you find something is a negative anchor, stop saying or doing it.
• Express your points in a way that puts your spouse in a positive state.
• Two people who care about each other and consistently express appreciation, gratitude, praise, encouragement, and validation can frequently put each other in positive states.  Help your spouse access resourceful states by speaking in these ways even when difficulties arise.
• How can you transform boredom and frustration into enjoyment? Find a positive reframe for what you are doing. Sing and dance every once in a while or formulate a mental fantasy.

On a side note, I find that the most effective mood-lifter for me is to eat.  If I don't eat, my mood immediately goes haywire... I get a headache, I feel miserable and insecure, and I start picking irrational fights with anyone around me.  The worst part of it is that once I get into this state, it gets exponentially worse because once I'm moody, I don't even WANT to eat, and if I DO want to eat, I don't want to eat anything but that ONE THING I am craving.  It's horrible.  Still, I wish people would realize that if I'm having a bad day, the best thing to do is simply to give me a good meal (preferably with a yummy dessert at the end... Fro Yo anyone??!).  I also need to start taking more responsibility for my own food needs.  Often, I will refrain from eating when it is socially impolite (such as if others are waiting for food) or when I feel I will be judged for eating (as in when I want to eat something less than super healthy) and I need to get over those hang-ups and if anyone challenges me, just be assertive about my NEED to eat.  This is a personal problem, I know, and eating won't solve most people's mood issues the way it will mine.  But it is probably the one most important thing I need to deal with to improve my moods.