(no subject)
2007 was a horrible year.
2008 has to be better, right?
(just appease me)
i've lost so many important friendships this year - some being my fault. i truly wish there was something i could do about it. i loved these people, and i know they loved me too - but i've thrown it away, i've lost it. it's gone. i don't know if there's a feeling worse than despair. when you genuinely know that there's nothing you can do to change what's happened. i know i sound like a train wreck, but to be honest - i am. i have learned more about myself in the past few months than i am ready to handle. doctors are starting to become involved and its making me a little uncomfortable. i'm diving into this head first though because if this can explain my paranoia, my frustration issues, my trust issues, my depression issues, my lack of ability to follow through with anything etcetc - then bring it on. i need a slap in the face. i need answers. i need changes.
i know i have been M.I.A. a lot recently, which is why i decided to make this entry public. i mean no disrespect to anyone. i have no negative feelings towards anyone, really. this holiday season, i was surrounded by death and sadness instead of a christmas ham and egg nog. i also found out that my grandfather is developing some form of alzheimers and doesn't remember me. i can't even explain to you how fucking sad that makes me. he looks at me like he wants to remember, like he realizes he's supposed to know who i am - but something about the way he looks at me, i know it's just vacant thoughts. he tells me i'm beautiful and that he's sorry. he tells me he has a list of his grandchildren's names with their ages and he tells me he prays for us every night. the best way i can describe this is that it's like losing your grandfather while he's still alive. i realize he's just going to get worse. fucking sad.
through all the bad, things are starting to become a little more clear for me. though it's a little late for certain situations, i understand what's important now. i'm trying to take control of my actions instead of letting my actions control me. the only thing i want to do is love and nurture, not just in a romantic sense. i want the people i love to know that theyre loved and i want them to know that i would do just about anything for them. i also want to create. art, words, music. photography, painting, sculptures hundreds of feet high, poems, stories, voices, pianos, guitars, beauty. inspiration, passion - these things need to exist. how selfish it is to enjoy these things without doing anything to keep it alive! who will help if i don't? no more excuses, just do.
i always thought it corny to have a motto, but if i had to peg one after all of this - i'd say it would be 'do what you love and leave no room for regret'. i feel like sometimes people forget how important it is to live. myself including.
in closing, i just want to recognize the people who have stuck with me. you have no idea what it means to me. i love knowing i can always fall back on you, and i hope you realize i'm always here to break your fall if need be.
dan, caitlin, john, kay, rahul, mindy, dennis, spyro, lindsey, rebecca, nicole, kerri, elena, diana, luke, billy, bobby, georgia, taylor, kevin, mike, kellie, maxine.
not to be a name dropper, and i know i missed people. but it's important to me that people know they've made an impact. i love you all, never change! <3
2008 has to be better, right?
(just appease me)
i've lost so many important friendships this year - some being my fault. i truly wish there was something i could do about it. i loved these people, and i know they loved me too - but i've thrown it away, i've lost it. it's gone. i don't know if there's a feeling worse than despair. when you genuinely know that there's nothing you can do to change what's happened. i know i sound like a train wreck, but to be honest - i am. i have learned more about myself in the past few months than i am ready to handle. doctors are starting to become involved and its making me a little uncomfortable. i'm diving into this head first though because if this can explain my paranoia, my frustration issues, my trust issues, my depression issues, my lack of ability to follow through with anything etcetc - then bring it on. i need a slap in the face. i need answers. i need changes.
i know i have been M.I.A. a lot recently, which is why i decided to make this entry public. i mean no disrespect to anyone. i have no negative feelings towards anyone, really. this holiday season, i was surrounded by death and sadness instead of a christmas ham and egg nog. i also found out that my grandfather is developing some form of alzheimers and doesn't remember me. i can't even explain to you how fucking sad that makes me. he looks at me like he wants to remember, like he realizes he's supposed to know who i am - but something about the way he looks at me, i know it's just vacant thoughts. he tells me i'm beautiful and that he's sorry. he tells me he has a list of his grandchildren's names with their ages and he tells me he prays for us every night. the best way i can describe this is that it's like losing your grandfather while he's still alive. i realize he's just going to get worse. fucking sad.
through all the bad, things are starting to become a little more clear for me. though it's a little late for certain situations, i understand what's important now. i'm trying to take control of my actions instead of letting my actions control me. the only thing i want to do is love and nurture, not just in a romantic sense. i want the people i love to know that theyre loved and i want them to know that i would do just about anything for them. i also want to create. art, words, music. photography, painting, sculptures hundreds of feet high, poems, stories, voices, pianos, guitars, beauty. inspiration, passion - these things need to exist. how selfish it is to enjoy these things without doing anything to keep it alive! who will help if i don't? no more excuses, just do.
i always thought it corny to have a motto, but if i had to peg one after all of this - i'd say it would be 'do what you love and leave no room for regret'. i feel like sometimes people forget how important it is to live. myself including.
in closing, i just want to recognize the people who have stuck with me. you have no idea what it means to me. i love knowing i can always fall back on you, and i hope you realize i'm always here to break your fall if need be.
dan, caitlin, john, kay, rahul, mindy, dennis, spyro, lindsey, rebecca, nicole, kerri, elena, diana, luke, billy, bobby, georgia, taylor, kevin, mike, kellie, maxine.
not to be a name dropper, and i know i missed people. but it's important to me that people know they've made an impact. i love you all, never change! <3