The tale of the girl who lost her internet connection for almost 2 days
As on this night I am feeling exceptionally inspired [see: drugged], I have taken it upon myself to tell the tale of the girl who lost her internet connection for 2 days.
The day started out normal enough. Valerie got up for the first time that fateful Tuesday at about 9:30 am in response to her body's hunger pains, proceeding to comfort her stomach the only way an American glutton knows how. After stuffing herself with several cereals, breads, various animal appendages and beverages, she let her feet lead her back upstairs to the life support that was her computer. She sat down at her average, worn-out wooden chair and went through the motions of bringing her PC to life.
However, something was terribly wrong. Trillian couldn't connect and webpages refused to load. She even attempted loading several of the different pages she regulared (neopets, mypace, various porn sites) to be sure it wasn't just one site that was unresponsive. Still, nothing. After realizing something was terribly wrong and her internet connection was down, Valerie concluded this must be some sort of terrible joke, or possibly a hallucination, and went back to sleep until she had to really wake up to pick up her brother when he got out of summer school.
When she got home later that afternoon (once again stuffing her body with crap food) she instinctively took a seat at her computer chair, once again unable to connect to the internet. She brushed it off with a frown and a funny feeling in her gut, settling for some nice old school internet-free computer games - although she would periodically check to see if she was back online every 1-2 hours or so. As the sky turned purple and slowly became bereft of its comforting daylight, true panick began to set in. You see, Valerie couldn't remember a time when she lived without regularly IMing people or posting random crap on internet forums (except maybe her entire childhood) and was much too out of it at that point to do something sensible, like use the telephone to call her friend. She began making strange grunting noises and clawing at her bedroom door. She clawed and pounded on walls. It was almost as though she thought she could scratch her way back into sanity. As the night wore on her continuous un-orthodox activity wore her out and she exhausted onto her bed.
As soon as she woke the next morning she immediatly checked her connection. Upon finding it still faulty, she immediatley went into hysterics - screaming, crying, and clawing at her own flesh. But just before she started doing serious self-mutilation, she remembered that she was a big girl, and more importantly an American, neither of which EVER cry (or suffer the consequences of being a goddamn weakling) and went to go pick up her brother.
When they got home, it was her brother this time who was the first to make note that indeed, the internet was still out. In an act of desperation Valerie went into her room, shut the door, turned off the lights, lit candles and proceeded to beg forgiveness of 10011, the great God of Electronics, for whatever crimes of the keyboard she had unknowingly committed. After hours of prayer keeling at her monitor she remained without answer (or salvation). Suddenly with pent up frustration and insanity she strode to her bed, reached under and grabbed hold of the huge rubber mallet that up until then had been kept secret. She marched up to her computer console, and with an ear-piercing shriek heard for blocks, began smashing her computer to smithereens. Unfortunately for her, her brother saw the whole thing. So, she did what was only logical - turned on him.
But she was in for a HUGE surprise. Instead of the sickening expected thud of a skull caving in, she realized she had hit solid metal. In utter terror she began attempting to smash this thing she onced believed to be her brother into oblivion, but was only able to break through the surface flesh - the fruits of her murderous efforts could only amount to a mangled face! As he began to reach for her neck with his robotic arm, she knew there was only one thing left she could do. As a last minute defense, she took the grenade launcher from its holster in her belt and shot one grenade strait into the robot-monster's middle. She watched in astonishment and horror as it stumbled in shock and over the top of the creamy white banister and into the molten lava pit downstairs, as her little half-cocker spaniel half-lassa apso barked in excitement. She collapsed in a state of shock and fell unconcious for an unspecified amount of time.
Lucky for her, when she awoke later that night the internet connection was miraculously up and running again! She wept tears of joy, and eventually her eyes glazed over as once again, she fell into her routine of posting and IMing in obvlivious happiness.
The day started out normal enough. Valerie got up for the first time that fateful Tuesday at about 9:30 am in response to her body's hunger pains, proceeding to comfort her stomach the only way an American glutton knows how. After stuffing herself with several cereals, breads, various animal appendages and beverages, she let her feet lead her back upstairs to the life support that was her computer. She sat down at her average, worn-out wooden chair and went through the motions of bringing her PC to life.
However, something was terribly wrong. Trillian couldn't connect and webpages refused to load. She even attempted loading several of the different pages she regulared (neopets, mypace, various porn sites) to be sure it wasn't just one site that was unresponsive. Still, nothing. After realizing something was terribly wrong and her internet connection was down, Valerie concluded this must be some sort of terrible joke, or possibly a hallucination, and went back to sleep until she had to really wake up to pick up her brother when he got out of summer school.
When she got home later that afternoon (once again stuffing her body with crap food) she instinctively took a seat at her computer chair, once again unable to connect to the internet. She brushed it off with a frown and a funny feeling in her gut, settling for some nice old school internet-free computer games - although she would periodically check to see if she was back online every 1-2 hours or so. As the sky turned purple and slowly became bereft of its comforting daylight, true panick began to set in. You see, Valerie couldn't remember a time when she lived without regularly IMing people or posting random crap on internet forums (except maybe her entire childhood) and was much too out of it at that point to do something sensible, like use the telephone to call her friend. She began making strange grunting noises and clawing at her bedroom door. She clawed and pounded on walls. It was almost as though she thought she could scratch her way back into sanity. As the night wore on her continuous un-orthodox activity wore her out and she exhausted onto her bed.
As soon as she woke the next morning she immediatly checked her connection. Upon finding it still faulty, she immediatley went into hysterics - screaming, crying, and clawing at her own flesh. But just before she started doing serious self-mutilation, she remembered that she was a big girl, and more importantly an American, neither of which EVER cry (or suffer the consequences of being a goddamn weakling) and went to go pick up her brother.
When they got home, it was her brother this time who was the first to make note that indeed, the internet was still out. In an act of desperation Valerie went into her room, shut the door, turned off the lights, lit candles and proceeded to beg forgiveness of 10011, the great God of Electronics, for whatever crimes of the keyboard she had unknowingly committed. After hours of prayer keeling at her monitor she remained without answer (or salvation). Suddenly with pent up frustration and insanity she strode to her bed, reached under and grabbed hold of the huge rubber mallet that up until then had been kept secret. She marched up to her computer console, and with an ear-piercing shriek heard for blocks, began smashing her computer to smithereens. Unfortunately for her, her brother saw the whole thing. So, she did what was only logical - turned on him.
But she was in for a HUGE surprise. Instead of the sickening expected thud of a skull caving in, she realized she had hit solid metal. In utter terror she began attempting to smash this thing she onced believed to be her brother into oblivion, but was only able to break through the surface flesh - the fruits of her murderous efforts could only amount to a mangled face! As he began to reach for her neck with his robotic arm, she knew there was only one thing left she could do. As a last minute defense, she took the grenade launcher from its holster in her belt and shot one grenade strait into the robot-monster's middle. She watched in astonishment and horror as it stumbled in shock and over the top of the creamy white banister and into the molten lava pit downstairs, as her little half-cocker spaniel half-lassa apso barked in excitement. She collapsed in a state of shock and fell unconcious for an unspecified amount of time.
Lucky for her, when she awoke later that night the internet connection was miraculously up and running again! She wept tears of joy, and eventually her eyes glazed over as once again, she fell into her routine of posting and IMing in obvlivious happiness.