What exactly am I looking for? What do I expect?

[soadinsignia]

I’m trying to figure out what it is that I need in my life right now. In the past I have always made it be about who/what I was interested in at that point, but really whenever I got or didn’t get who/what I wanted, I was still unhappy. So it makes me think there is something deep inside of me that I need that I am unaware of. I never even know what I want, for God’s sake. Wherever I go, there is still somewhere else I want to be. I want to surround myself with friends constantly but I think that is just to disguise how I am feeling, to simply forget for a little while. What is it that could truly make me happy? I don’t even feel motivated to do anything anymore, to go out with friends, to go to school, to work. I just want to quit everything. I am not used to completely giving up like this. I have been sitting at home every single day. I lay around and I nap, restlessly. Then at night I stay awake until the wee hours of the morning doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am just sitting there for no reason. It’s like I don’t want to go to sleep incase something fun happens, but then it never does. And when I do go out, I feel like I am pretending that I am having fun because I have a million other things on my mind. I find myself refreshed when everyone in my house is gone and I can just be alone. Why is that? I want to have people around me but then I chase them away because I want to be alone? Is it being here? Is it this atmosphere? I know I didn’t feel anything like this in Chicago. Things still really bothered me and there was still something missing but it wasn’t to this extent that I feel it now. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t think anyone even notices me anymore anyway. I’m invisible. A phantom in the night. If only I could vanish for good, without a trace.

A large part of me believes these feelings are the result of not having a close friend anymore. Jessica and I used to be so close. I don’t know why she chooses these things over me now, but I hate it. And I’m beginning to hate her. I look at everyone around me and it seems like everyone has at least one person they can turn to. I don’t have anyone, not even myself anymore. I feel like my mind is just floating around out there, with nothing to hold onto to it, nothing to level out the chaos crowding it. And nobody cares… I don’t even know if I do, anymore.

I was listening to the radio today and they were talking about how Christmas is the happiest season of the year.

I think it’s the saddest, loneliest time of year, watching everyone else full of cheer.