brigit's flame - july: week 1, "bad advice"

[so_wordy]

*Blinks tiredly* Did I actually get this entry written? I can actually start my day?

Below the cut you'll find a one shot piece for "Bad Advice." Constructive criticism is always welcome. Questions too. Thanks in advance for the read and good luck to everyone! :)

Comments

Your BF edit!

[keppiehed]

Hello! I'm your editor this week!

And wow! Did you put me through my paces! I'm going to leave the entire first section alone, as obviously it was intended to be rife with tech colloquialisms. Corrections are in brackets:

-Either that [,] or she was overly optimistic (if her abuse of [e]nglish grammar meant anything). you can omit either English or grammar, but both together are unnecessary.

-Still, she was grateful for the internet’s ambiguity, [which allowed her to/a] savoring words without context, face, or {tone of] voice. The world was [,] at times, too modern, but there was something to be said for old fashioned networking.

- It was a friendly scene, but her tart stomach knew otherwise. Tart stomach … different, but effective. I like it. That's the way to do it!

-Any day she had to leave the safety of her room was bound to be trying (and that was putting it mildly). I am not fond of parenthetical asides. Because I know you are such a strong writer, I am going to push you to go the extra distance to rephrase this sentence in a way that conveys meaning without sounding like filler. You have great facility with words, and you can do it!

-She would have to dress appropriately to make a good impression, but nothing seemed suitable in the dim[ly]-lit room. Her fingers tugged absent-mindedly through her nest of red hair. Absentminded is not a hyphenate.

-Abigail hopped carefully between patches of clean floor-space. She swore those [hadn't been]there before. I'm going to ding you for your adverb here. You can omit carefully, as the action shows her to be taking care. It will streamline the sentence.

- Her heart was beating like a hummingbird['s].

-Maybe if she drank tea… it would ease her stomach. a set of ellipses requires a space surrounding it. http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/ellipsis.htm

-When [she had been] young, she tried to pass it off as nonsense-an overactive imagination or tired mind.

-“Medium and no, thanks[.]” [H]er voice came out squeaky.

-He turned and handed her a foam cup with a sleeve. Like printed letters on her brain, in slow definitive keystrokes, two words formed[:]

Well, that is all I have for you. This was intense, from beginning to end. Although that is your style! You have a gift with words, and I had to work hard to find something to give advice on. The only thing I can say is that your metaphors are much stronger than your similes. You don't want to overuse similes or they lose effect. Your metaphors, however, are like a punch to the gut. They are unexpected and unique. They illustrate your point in the fewest words possible, and are an example of type. That's something to be proud of.

I wish I could be more helpful. I was quaking when I saw that I had you on my list, and after I read your piece I knew I was in trouble, because you don't really need a bit of my help. Lovely story, and thanks so much for sharing!