help?
I feel so alone. Maybe because I separate myself from pretty much everyone I care about. Even my family. I feel apart from my grandparents. Maybe because I feel like all i do is dissapoint them. I'm too big of a sarcastic smart ass. I can't help it. Things just spill out of my mouth. I think I'm funny. I'm not funny. I'm a selfish brat who needs to grow up and realize that life isn't fair and that the world does not revolve around me even though I so wish it would. I have drifted away from my best friend of almost 4 years. Did I have a huge influence on keeping the relationship together? Yes. Did I choose my so called boyfriend over her? Yes, I guess I did. Is this how high school friendships end? I have no idea. Does this happen all the time? my parents say yes, that it's just the age where you become closer with your boyfriend\love interest than your best friend. Dave is my best friend. I feel awkward around Brittany, Stephanie, Kimmy... pretty much anyone who knows me well... I feel awkward and just different from them. Is it because I have a boyfriend and they don't? Possibly. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe we've all changed, or maybe I have changed.
The reason I'm such a horrible bitch and hate the most random (not even random, but the people who I care the most about) people for no good reason is to protect myself from actually liking those people and building a friendship with them and have it end\fade away. Also, the fact that I feel the need to make a competition out of friends doesn't help. I always feel left out, and it's my fault. But I'm not gonna then jump into that group and shove myself down their throats to get back in. Because maybe the reason they have stopped called\inviting was because I did change, and they don't want to be friends with me.
It's probable that the fact that my boyfriend can't even openly call me or talk to me hurts all of my relationships. Probable? No it's a fact. I'm pretty sure I've never even been inside his house, let alone near it. I've known him for 3 years now... what the hell am i doing? Why do i make him do this? I'm not worth it (see above again if you don't get it yet). I always seem to choose the boy over my girl friends. Is that right? I don't know. Most of the time it blows up in my face, which it is right now. I can't keep using my and Dave's complex relationship as an excuse that my friendships are crap right now. I'm just scared that all that I'm fighting to keep right now is going to end just like my relationship with dave will once the fall comes. I don't know about end, but just change... lessen, fade. But how will I know who's going to be there next year? I trust that Dave will, no matter what. I have no idea about Brittany, Kali, Kimmy, Amanda, Steph... Dan, Austin, Ryan, Tony, Corbin, Matt. I don't trust myself. I know I could call all of them if I had a problem. But it's not that easy. I feel separate from everyone I know. Maybe I make myself separate. I'm just repeating myself now. I'm not even sad or anything right now. Not depressed. Just inward thinking. Sometimes it can be enlightening. I have yet to think of a solution to all of these questions i have. If there even is one. Doubtful. Highly doubtful.
The reason I'm such a horrible bitch and hate the most random (not even random, but the people who I care the most about) people for no good reason is to protect myself from actually liking those people and building a friendship with them and have it end\fade away. Also, the fact that I feel the need to make a competition out of friends doesn't help. I always feel left out, and it's my fault. But I'm not gonna then jump into that group and shove myself down their throats to get back in. Because maybe the reason they have stopped called\inviting was because I did change, and they don't want to be friends with me.
It's probable that the fact that my boyfriend can't even openly call me or talk to me hurts all of my relationships. Probable? No it's a fact. I'm pretty sure I've never even been inside his house, let alone near it. I've known him for 3 years now... what the hell am i doing? Why do i make him do this? I'm not worth it (see above again if you don't get it yet). I always seem to choose the boy over my girl friends. Is that right? I don't know. Most of the time it blows up in my face, which it is right now. I can't keep using my and Dave's complex relationship as an excuse that my friendships are crap right now. I'm just scared that all that I'm fighting to keep right now is going to end just like my relationship with dave will once the fall comes. I don't know about end, but just change... lessen, fade. But how will I know who's going to be there next year? I trust that Dave will, no matter what. I have no idea about Brittany, Kali, Kimmy, Amanda, Steph... Dan, Austin, Ryan, Tony, Corbin, Matt. I don't trust myself. I know I could call all of them if I had a problem. But it's not that easy. I feel separate from everyone I know. Maybe I make myself separate. I'm just repeating myself now. I'm not even sad or anything right now. Not depressed. Just inward thinking. Sometimes it can be enlightening. I have yet to think of a solution to all of these questions i have. If there even is one. Doubtful. Highly doubtful.