(no subject)
You know when you like someone and you think they like you back and you know it turns out they are just fuckin playing you? yeah. i hate it when that happens...hey, like when it happened today. I finally realized that there is no such thing as true anything. Everything like relationships, even with your fucking friends, they dont mean anything. Not really. We're all fucking human and we all fuck up and nothing fucking lasts ever. I cant even become good friends with anyone anymore essentially....just because i am so determined that i'll lose it and if i get attatched it will just be harder to give it up. And it's the same with guys. I'm just glad i caught myself before i set myself up for something that could have hurt me a lot worse than it did.
I dont even know what to think about anything anymore. I am so sick of every fucking person i know just about. I am tired of knowing someone so well. I dont deal with attatchment very well anymore because i have serious trust issues, and because of these trust issues i feel like i am so fucking alone all the time, but i wont allow myself not to be anymore because i just cant put myself out there again. I have been kicked in the fucking face too many times to stick my damn nose out and ask for it again. So i'm so fucking suspicious of everyone. Like that everyone is using me or that no one really likes me or just really cynical, irrational thoughts.
And at this point i really cant deal with my family anymore. I really just cant. I just cant stand the way they look at me everyday. The same way Mr barlow, or officer wood, or mr hudson, or the counselors, or the kids at school look at me. The same condescending dirty 'i'm better than you' looks that i just can't ignore anymore. Do they think it doesn't hurt to be treated that way, or do they just not care? I used to fight back when i'd get comments (they're all the same) but now i'm just too tired of this crap to resist anymore. I just wish someone would do something and get it fucking over with. I just want this to be over. I just want all of it to end. And maybe it sounds fucking emo to be pouring my goddamn heart out on livejournal, but i have no one left to talk to.
I dont even know what to think about anything anymore. I am so sick of every fucking person i know just about. I am tired of knowing someone so well. I dont deal with attatchment very well anymore because i have serious trust issues, and because of these trust issues i feel like i am so fucking alone all the time, but i wont allow myself not to be anymore because i just cant put myself out there again. I have been kicked in the fucking face too many times to stick my damn nose out and ask for it again. So i'm so fucking suspicious of everyone. Like that everyone is using me or that no one really likes me or just really cynical, irrational thoughts.
And at this point i really cant deal with my family anymore. I really just cant. I just cant stand the way they look at me everyday. The same way Mr barlow, or officer wood, or mr hudson, or the counselors, or the kids at school look at me. The same condescending dirty 'i'm better than you' looks that i just can't ignore anymore. Do they think it doesn't hurt to be treated that way, or do they just not care? I used to fight back when i'd get comments (they're all the same) but now i'm just too tired of this crap to resist anymore. I just wish someone would do something and get it fucking over with. I just want this to be over. I just want all of it to end. And maybe it sounds fucking emo to be pouring my goddamn heart out on livejournal, but i have no one left to talk to.