there is no more january.
I should be working on my lesson plans for the next two weeks...but I can't write right now. I need an outlet. I needed to just type things that I'm thinking and get them out on ordi-paper.
Louis is leaving in 2 weeks, and the thought terrifies me. 14 days are ticking away so quickly, 4 months flew past me and I don't even remember them. I'm scared what will happen when he's gone, I'm so scared to sleep alone again. My bed will be so cold and he will be so gone. And I'm scared to not wake up and see him in the morning, or be able to touch him whenever I want, or to be able to suprise him and pick him up from work. Or to sit down and eat a mean with him.
I'm worried that I'll never see him again. And i know I will but I still am scared I won't. For an entire year of our relationship this was the plan - for him to move to edmonton january 2006 thru april 2006. And we got it ! Horrah for us! Lucky us! Yet so bittersweet. There comes an end.
And now.. There is no plan. There is nothing anymore. We are this gigantic question mark of unknowingness. And we've always known, because for a whole year, we knew... no matter what, he would be here in january. And now... we don't have january anymore. There is no safeguard, there are no more guarantees. Because he has oppurtunities, and I have oppurtunities and we both need to selfishly take them. And for us, we need some choices, some options, but... where are they? Did we use them all up in january?
I know we will stay together, but I also know that him having been here for 4 months, having lived and breathed together for 4 months, that everything will change. It will be 100X harder to leave him, and 1000X harder to be without him, because I know what I could be having, but don't. That I had the choice and I chose to stay here for the summer.
I could have went, I could have moved to Ottawa for the summer, for us. But I didn't, and I worry this was a mistake. I don't think he will ever forgive me for not coming, because he has strength and independance that I do not. I wasn't ready, it wasn't the time. He is scared I could never leave Edmonton, and I'm scared he will never want to leave the East coast. But for this to work, one of us will have to. One day. And I just love him! and it transcends all distance, but I want to remember what he looks like when I wake up in the morning, and I want to be able to smell him when he gets out of the shower, and I want him to play with my hair when I'm watching tv. And I want him to hug me in the middle of the night because I'm there, and I need to be able to kiss his cheek and say I love you. I need him to know that I love him, and that I'm scared too.
I want the next two weeks to last forever plus one.
Louis is leaving in 2 weeks, and the thought terrifies me. 14 days are ticking away so quickly, 4 months flew past me and I don't even remember them. I'm scared what will happen when he's gone, I'm so scared to sleep alone again. My bed will be so cold and he will be so gone. And I'm scared to not wake up and see him in the morning, or be able to touch him whenever I want, or to be able to suprise him and pick him up from work. Or to sit down and eat a mean with him.
I'm worried that I'll never see him again. And i know I will but I still am scared I won't. For an entire year of our relationship this was the plan - for him to move to edmonton january 2006 thru april 2006. And we got it ! Horrah for us! Lucky us! Yet so bittersweet. There comes an end.
And now.. There is no plan. There is nothing anymore. We are this gigantic question mark of unknowingness. And we've always known, because for a whole year, we knew... no matter what, he would be here in january. And now... we don't have january anymore. There is no safeguard, there are no more guarantees. Because he has oppurtunities, and I have oppurtunities and we both need to selfishly take them. And for us, we need some choices, some options, but... where are they? Did we use them all up in january?
I know we will stay together, but I also know that him having been here for 4 months, having lived and breathed together for 4 months, that everything will change. It will be 100X harder to leave him, and 1000X harder to be without him, because I know what I could be having, but don't. That I had the choice and I chose to stay here for the summer.
I could have went, I could have moved to Ottawa for the summer, for us. But I didn't, and I worry this was a mistake. I don't think he will ever forgive me for not coming, because he has strength and independance that I do not. I wasn't ready, it wasn't the time. He is scared I could never leave Edmonton, and I'm scared he will never want to leave the East coast. But for this to work, one of us will have to. One day. And I just love him! and it transcends all distance, but I want to remember what he looks like when I wake up in the morning, and I want to be able to smell him when he gets out of the shower, and I want him to play with my hair when I'm watching tv. And I want him to hug me in the middle of the night because I'm there, and I need to be able to kiss his cheek and say I love you. I need him to know that I love him, and that I'm scared too.
I want the next two weeks to last forever plus one.