matty loves somebody other than himself
So where to begin. Hmm, well first and foremost, I told someone I love them this passed week, for the first time in my life I'm in love. Yes, I fell in love online, I am a gay cliche. About 2 or 3 weeks ago, Louis and I were chatting online, and without even thinking I almost typed 'love you' at the end of the conversation. However, I am extremely self aware, and backspaced before I had inadvertently typed it and sent him running for the hills. After I backspaced it i thought to myself "I do love him. I really fucken do. He has managed to break me, and make me fall absolutely head over fucken heals in love with him, and for that I should not be scared, because it is something that I cannot and will not conciously control."
But I didn't tell him then.
Instead I wanted to wait, to tell him in person how much he means to me, and so I held this in for 2 weeks. It was coming out of the closet all over again, except it wasn't much a closet and rather just a tiny drawer, and I wasn't telling someone I was fucking boys in the bum and rather just telling some I love them. Gosh, it's true though that anyone who asked me why I was going to Quebec my response was "I'm going for love." So essentially everyone knew I was in love with Louis, except for Louis himself, even though I think he did know.
On Sunday night before I left, I got extremely emotional, and pathetically embarrasing, and I started to cry. I cried because I was homesick, and because I realized how much I had to do when I got home, and because I was exhausted cause to maximize time together we stayed up late and got up really early, but mostly because I hadn't told him what he meant to me yet, and I was scared to, and I was leaving soon.
Unlike him though, it was the first time I had cried in 6 days. I was dropped bottle of pepsi waiting to explode because I knew taht he was upset since he had cried on Saturday night too, and I was still scared to show him vulnerability. My previous relationships, they never allowed for me to be human, and so I had conditioned myself to keep everything in. And so this is why I started to cry. To release the love behind my eyes.
So I cried; he hugged me. And didn't really say anything, we just spooned and held onto me. When I rolled over I saw that he was crying to, and I asked him "why" even though I knew it was for the same reason I was crying. We cuddled all of Sunday night, and talked, until around 2:30 in the morning when he fell asleep in my arms.
At about midnight I looked at him and said it.
I. Love. You.
He looked at me and said "I love you too."
I got lost in those words. I'm still trying to adjust to the fact taht someone, besides my parents, can feel an emotion for me that resembles anything close to love; I can't question it anymore though, because he says it, and I believe him, and I trust him. And... just and. Indescribeble.
I told him that I didn't think things like this happen to me. That I'm not supposed to have love, I'm supposed to be the cynical one who always wants it but never gets it. I'm supposed to be love's sidekick: humour. I told him that it used to scare me that I could be so full inside, an unable to share what I hide from the world with someone else. And that I build these walls, and I get wrapped in these little lies of mine, and I start to believe I'm someone that I'm not. I pretend to be confidant, and I pretend to be self assured, and I pretend to indepedant, stable and not scared of anything, but he sees through those things. He sees me in the light, when I'm naked, and I feel comfortable. When I'm most exposed, and most vulnerable and normally must shy, and he looks at me in the eyes, and says to me "You're perfect" even though I'm not, he makes me believe that I am.
Here are a ton of pictures of my trip to Ottawa/Quebec. I can't really say what we actually did because we didn't really do alot. We really just hung out, and that's all I wanted. Some memorable moments however include the greatest date ever, where Louis took me to Montreal for the day, walking on the Rideau Canal, the bus ride home from Montreal, just getting look at him and appreciate him and his presence, being gay and PDAing in public and not caring; just being.
Pictures do not do this boy justice. I just want to gobble him up...
some more...
Anyone who is interested in being submitted to the torture of looking at even more pictures of us 2 lovebirds, then you can see more pictures on Louis' LJ.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/lp_coco07/55382.html?#cutid1
For once I have photographical evidential pictures that prove I am a homosexual. I do actually kiss boys! now these better not end up on boys kissing though!
Louis will also be making an appearance in Edmonton April 18th through April 23rd 2005. For tickets to this exciting event, please see your local box office for details. Tickets are limited so get them soon before they are sold out.
It just happens that this is during the time of my birthday...but also very unfortunately during finals. We plan on studying together at the university, and by studying, obviously, I really mean fulfill one of my fantasies by making out in Stacks in Rutherford.
So despite the fact taht you may be keeners and you may need to study, I don't care because you must at least sacrifice 2 hours of some sort of precious time to meet someone who is extremely important to me. Clearly.
loveLOVElove
But I didn't tell him then.
Instead I wanted to wait, to tell him in person how much he means to me, and so I held this in for 2 weeks. It was coming out of the closet all over again, except it wasn't much a closet and rather just a tiny drawer, and I wasn't telling someone I was fucking boys in the bum and rather just telling some I love them. Gosh, it's true though that anyone who asked me why I was going to Quebec my response was "I'm going for love." So essentially everyone knew I was in love with Louis, except for Louis himself, even though I think he did know.
On Sunday night before I left, I got extremely emotional, and pathetically embarrasing, and I started to cry. I cried because I was homesick, and because I realized how much I had to do when I got home, and because I was exhausted cause to maximize time together we stayed up late and got up really early, but mostly because I hadn't told him what he meant to me yet, and I was scared to, and I was leaving soon.
Unlike him though, it was the first time I had cried in 6 days. I was dropped bottle of pepsi waiting to explode because I knew taht he was upset since he had cried on Saturday night too, and I was still scared to show him vulnerability. My previous relationships, they never allowed for me to be human, and so I had conditioned myself to keep everything in. And so this is why I started to cry. To release the love behind my eyes.
So I cried; he hugged me. And didn't really say anything, we just spooned and held onto me. When I rolled over I saw that he was crying to, and I asked him "why" even though I knew it was for the same reason I was crying. We cuddled all of Sunday night, and talked, until around 2:30 in the morning when he fell asleep in my arms.
At about midnight I looked at him and said it.
I. Love. You.
He looked at me and said "I love you too."
I got lost in those words. I'm still trying to adjust to the fact taht someone, besides my parents, can feel an emotion for me that resembles anything close to love; I can't question it anymore though, because he says it, and I believe him, and I trust him. And... just and. Indescribeble.
I told him that I didn't think things like this happen to me. That I'm not supposed to have love, I'm supposed to be the cynical one who always wants it but never gets it. I'm supposed to be love's sidekick: humour. I told him that it used to scare me that I could be so full inside, an unable to share what I hide from the world with someone else. And that I build these walls, and I get wrapped in these little lies of mine, and I start to believe I'm someone that I'm not. I pretend to be confidant, and I pretend to be self assured, and I pretend to indepedant, stable and not scared of anything, but he sees through those things. He sees me in the light, when I'm naked, and I feel comfortable. When I'm most exposed, and most vulnerable and normally must shy, and he looks at me in the eyes, and says to me "You're perfect" even though I'm not, he makes me believe that I am.
Here are a ton of pictures of my trip to Ottawa/Quebec. I can't really say what we actually did because we didn't really do alot. We really just hung out, and that's all I wanted. Some memorable moments however include the greatest date ever, where Louis took me to Montreal for the day, walking on the Rideau Canal, the bus ride home from Montreal, just getting look at him and appreciate him and his presence, being gay and PDAing in public and not caring; just being.
Pictures do not do this boy justice. I just want to gobble him up...
some more...
Anyone who is interested in being submitted to the torture of looking at even more pictures of us 2 lovebirds, then you can see more pictures on Louis' LJ.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/lp_coco07/55382.html?#cutid1
For once I have photographical evidential pictures that prove I am a homosexual. I do actually kiss boys! now these better not end up on boys kissing though!
Louis will also be making an appearance in Edmonton April 18th through April 23rd 2005. For tickets to this exciting event, please see your local box office for details. Tickets are limited so get them soon before they are sold out.
It just happens that this is during the time of my birthday...but also very unfortunately during finals. We plan on studying together at the university, and by studying, obviously, I really mean fulfill one of my fantasies by making out in Stacks in Rutherford.
So despite the fact taht you may be keeners and you may need to study, I don't care because you must at least sacrifice 2 hours of some sort of precious time to meet someone who is extremely important to me. Clearly.
loveLOVElove