(no subject)
I don't really like it when I'm an ass. kate, indicated that once, that I never got angry, or irritated, but I do quite alot, and more often than not its directed towards Kate. Alot of it has to do with protection I think. I don't want anything to happen to her. Some of it is jealousy. Still some is selfishness. She seems so happy with her(my?) friends. Some of the time it seems like she perfers them. She was really depressed today...I tried to console her as best I could (I used to be so good), and nothing worked. the second she saw her she was almost fine. Kate, decided to go to the DART before thinking of me. The thing that makes me upset, is when I'm the way I am I think they talk(ed) about me. Kate saying "ooh, Brycen's upset, blah blah" them, "what's with that, blah blah." I'm not making any sense, and I don't think its my place to even infer that. But I'm afraid they talk bad about me. I'm trying to be a mature person, but it doesn't feel like I do that well. I don't think anyone can take me seriously. More than Kate will say I screw up things quite alot with us. I love Kate with all of my heart. I feel people are hesitant to take us seriously. I do. I love her. I want to spend forever with her. What a thought! We balance each other. One thing we need to work of is bringing each other up, when the other is down, cause alot of times it transfers to the other person, and then no one can be helped. Needless to say, I love her. She's given me alot, and for that I am eternally grateful. I hope, as she hopes that when I come back from my mission* we can start right back up where we left off. No weirdness, no sadness.
Alot is on my mind, so much I feel like bursting into tears at any moment. I feel very emotional. Friendships are on my mind. I got to see one of my favorite people tonight. Also tonight I got to old, and try and comfort, one of my favorite people. Still one of my favorite people in the world is sleeping alone in his condo in Utah. And yet some of my favorite people I'll see tomorrow at church. And yet others are conversing with aquaintences of mine right now. A place where I feel I should have been, at least to say hello. I feel very bad about this. I pretty much forgot about it until like two or three hours ago. It makes me feel sad that I can't see everyone I want to, or make everyone happy or entertain everyone. I've tried, and I don't have the energy for it. I feel sad for dissapointing so many people in my (very short) life.
Another thing on my mind is the ever present gillotine hovering above me. With it I will be away from friends and family, from loved ones for two years. I will have lost money, two years of education, and time with my beloved, and with friends. On the other hand I will ahe gained alot( possibly including a foreign language). I feel I am unsure, and hesitant, and scared out of my gourd. I don't even know what a gourd is. I feel I'll loose alot. And one of those things will leave me like New Orleans after Katrina if I loose her. Many people are nervous for me too, because of the depression issue, for them I thank them for thinking about me and worrying about the well being of me. One thing that comforts me is that I am going to be on my mission the same time as two of my greatest friends. That puts my mind at ease that I have two people that are scared ans hesitant too, but art going because they feel it is the right thing to do and they will be blessed for doing it. I pray to God that I won't lose what I want when I get back, I pray for good health while I'm on my mission. I pray for strength everyday to go out there and give it my all. I pray that I will get the language, and use it to teach, and inspire people. I pray that I will be worthy to be a missionary for the Lord. I pray that the spirit will guide me to the people I need to go to. I pray that when I return, things will return to normal, that I'll get a degree in what feel I should do. Sorry, for the theology.
I am uncomfortable, depressed, nervous, anxious, sad, annoyed, and am so unbelievably happy to have had the guts to tell kate how I feel and to be in a long and fulfilling relationship despite the ups the downs, te josilating, the spirals and flips. I am glad to know love. I love you, kate.
I am a hypocrite.
I love and adore most of you, and am grateful for all of you. Thank you so much for your support in any and all these points. You are my friends, and i consider you as such. Even if you may disagree my some of my motives. Please know that I admire each one of you, and that at night I do think of you, and hope the best for each of you, even if I may disagree wih some of your motives. I love you all.
Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow, God be with you 'til we meet again!
Brycen Beck
* If you still would like to donate to the Brycen Mission Fund or BMF, just write Brycen Beck, BMF and send it to: 301 Fountain Gate Dr.
Allen, Tx. 75002