It's long, but if I put an LJ cut, you'd be less susceptible to read it all.
I love when I see a huge long entry from someone that I love and admire, it makes me feel good to read it, and gather, and infer from it. It makes me feel like something in their life isn't going too well, and they're letting me into their life. It makes me feel good that they trust me enough to read their inner most feelings. I am doing that today. There are many feelings and thoughts that have been with me a long time that I've shared a lot. There are also some things that I can't express in words. Some things that I'm afraid to show. Because it might show some of me that people really don't need to know, it might show some hatred towards other people, or it might hurt peoples' feelings. I apologize ahead of time for any hurt feelings, or for the feeling that Brycen's life is boring, unimportant, or maybe it just sounds so pathetic, because Brycen shouldn't be complaining because his life is pretty near perfect. It may very well be true.
I've had a pretty easy life, there really is no point for me to complain, but alas I am, because I am a negative person. I find life particularly easy, and difficult at the same time. Relaxing and burdensome at the same time. I rarely feel the nice times, but I definitely can feel the weight on the hard times. It hurts a lot of times.
I'm a really negative person. I am anyone can see it, that doesn't mean I have points were I am fantastically positive, but I just see things not going my way, so I express it negatively. That hurts not only my family, but my relationship as well, she's expressed that my negativity is hurting our relationship before. I'm working on that, and it doesn't hurt that I have a wonderful girlfriend to not only makes it easy to stay positive, but is positive as well (for the most part).
I don't like my job...in fact I don't like working at all. If you know me at all, you'd know that. I hate work, I hate working. I hate it. And I work in a grocery store, which sucks. It smells bad, and I stand all day, and the employees (minus Bryce, and Josh) suck. They schedule me when I have class, even though I've repeatedly told them I have school. They haven't even given me a shirt, and I've worked there over a month, and I have to drive like 20 minutes to get there (its in McKinney). The pay is that great either. I need a lot of money fast. And I'm not even getting enough to play for gas, tithing, and entertainment, let alone savings. I was told that some guy when in to an interview with the Stake president, and the Stake President asked how much the guy saved and he said "500 dollars," and the Stake President, said, see me when you have $1500, and ended the interview. That scares me, that scares me to no end. Because I want to go, and I only have like 200 saved, and I need a lot more, it cost about $9600 to go. And I'm afraid they won't let me go, because I have very little saved...so if you want to donate to the Brycen Mission Fund, or BMF you may, just send however much money to me personally or my mail at: Brycen Beck, BMF
301 Fountain Gate Dr.
Allen, Texas 75002
A really big thing in my life right now, and its more apparent every day goes by, is my mission. It’s a thing of great wonder, and much anxiety. I'm excited to go, I've wanted to go since I was in Primary (Sunday school for little kids) I sang songs like I hope They Call Me on a Mission. The thought of two of my best friends going on a mission make me very optimistic, that I won't be doing this alone, that I'll have two of my closest friends going through the same things at the same time. I know if they see me go, then they'll be more determined to go, and vice versa. A few years ago I made a promise to the Bishop that I would go on a mission, and since myself and many others have promised, many people have broken that promise and they'll continue to be people who brake that promise, and I don't want to be one of them. I am expected to leave within the next four months, I started the interviews the medical work, and the paper work for it. I'm very nervous about it. I don't know what to expect. I have a lot of things to work on, I need to earn more money. I need to do a lot. I'm afraid. So afraid. I'm afraid of a lot, because when I go, I will lose a lot. I will lose my family for two years, I will miss them, especially Dustin, Dustin recently has been so good to me. He is buying my stuff, and today he offered to give me all of his savings, which is close to $1000. I love him to pieces. I will miss them, but in the end, when I get back they'll be there for me, well not Dustin, I won't get to see him for four years, cause he'll go on his mission right before I get off mine. I will miss my friends, Taylor, and Ryan, nessa, and Josh, and countless others. But the thought that Taylor, and Josh will be doing what I am going to be doing is really comforting. I will be losing my Kate. I love and value her so much. She is a great asset to my life, and I'm glad, and I'm sad to have found her at this time in my life. I will be losing her when I go on my mission. Two years in a long time, and i don't expect her to wait for me, what I do hope is she won't screw up, or ruin her life while I'm gone. I hope I don't hear stories of her destroying her life. I hope she doesn't forget about me. What I hope is just wishful thinking it will never happen. I hope she would be there ready to pick up where we left off when I got back. I hope I wouldn't have changed much that I was still the lovable and slightly funny Brycen before my mission. The only thing that changed was my experiences on how to handle life, and my further advances in spirituality. I really wish that I could just snap my fingers and all the knowledge I were to have learned in my mission were to be transferred in that instant, and it was like I had already gone, but I got to continue on with life. There is a lot that I need to change. How I treat Kate, how I need to me more accepting, how I need to be more receptive of her feelings. A lot I need to change. And I hope that Kate, at least put up with me long enough for me to try and change some of those. I love her dearly. It's weird me saying that. I'm in love with Kate.
Another thing, that's not only on my mind, but just about everyone else’s, is this grip that everyone is losing on friends. I've felt it "start to melt" over a year ago. It's even more terrible now. I hate it. I've caused some of it. I hate that I've caused some of it. My friends whom I've loved and cared for years are now people that I don't really recognize anymore. I still love them to pieces though. Others have slipped away because of disputes not with me, but with a great friend of mine. Others have left for college and I don't get to see them, still others are in high school, and I'm moving on. Like I said some of them are my fault, some of them I have no control of. The way I am is to be down on myself because of these lost friendships, to think it’s my fault. I do that a lot, there have been many sleepless nights were i wonder what I did to lose these great friends. Some of the time I get angry at people for stealing them away from me...which is not my right to say. Because it was their choice. I just sorely miss these people that were so big in my life, that I've shared my great secrets with, my passions, my hopes, my dreams. I've seen Jeff four or five times in the past 5 months. Jeff, who I dubbed my Lt. Best Friends. I still love him to pieces, and I don't think he has changed much. Kjersten, whom I spent many countless nights talking and talking, I didn't want to be in the same room with. I've been chided because of that my many people. I feel Kate slipping away from me as well. I miss so many people and would love to see them again before I leave. It’s a very complicated situation. Because I'm afraid to mix friends, so Taylor and Josh don't get to hang out with Kate, and vice versa. Kate is good friends with Kjersten, and Jeff, and now Tobias, and I'm afraid to hang out with them, plus I'm sure they don't really want me over there anyways. And with Ryan and vanessa, I would love to hang out with the but Kate and Vanessa have a beef with each other. These things put both Kate and myself in an extremely unnerving, and uncomfortable position. But it doesn't help that most of those people don't really want to hang out with me to begin with so...It's weird because Kate and I both grew up in different "cultures" if you will, and it makes it hard to understand where each person is coming from. Different backgrounds makes it hard for each other to relate to each other. Although we have tons in common, and I do enjoy all the time I spend with Kate, and I'm sure it’s reciprocated. It's just hard sometimes with this friend’s situation(s). But I guess I won't have to worry about it for long, because I'll be long gone. But I will worry about Kate when I'm gone, even if I have to worry about the work ahead of me I'll still be thinking of her.
I've noticed that I've become more moody, and more arrogant as days progress, I don't know what to attribute that to, but I have some theories. 1.) I just so close to leaving that I'm moody, and I'm scared, and I'm worried...so sometimes I drive people away, or I get quiet, or sad, etc. 2.)Kate had great improved my Self-Worth, and confidence levels, but with that comes the feeling that I'm on top of the world, and may appear that I'm better than everyone else. That's not the case, most of the time I appear that way because I still have insecurities and I'm wrapped up in them. I use humor negatively recently, and these jokes may cut deep into you. I felt very mean, and arrogant towards Justine last night, and I want to apologize for that. I've also been very mean, and inconsiderate of Kate’s feelings a lot recently, and I would just like to apologize for it, and want you to know I will work on it and i love you. I am trying to work on it, I'm trying to work on some flaws that I know I have or have been expressed to me...I am trying. If you have any others that I may not be aware of please leave me a comment and let me know what it is. Thank you.
A big thing in my life is humor. I've always thought that I was a pretty funny guy, its been apparent all throughout my childhood. I've been told I was a funny guy (that might attribute the arrogance thing), and I've thought I was funny. But recently I've felt that I'm losing that. That I'm not funny anymore. No one laughs anymore, I think they think I'm just sad. Kate gets her laughs from elsewhere. Tobias and Jeff, who used to think I was hilarious don't get my jokes anymore, and they don't "get it" It makes me feel sad, because I've always thought it was the one thing I had. The one thing that wouldn't be taken away. And its slowly being taken away. It makes me very sad.
A bid thing in my past was theatre...it still is. I am taking three theatre classes, and am enjoying it. I am learning a lot. But I feel I am losing my touch. That I'm not as respected that I'm not good anymore. It also makes me sad. I love performing and I don't want to lose my touch, but I've been out of the game so long, and it will only get longer. What I would like is when I get back, I would like the past professors to remember me, and know that I was good, and I get cast in things. Now, I may not be doing theatre s a living, but I know I don't want to give it up, and I would like to find a way to keep doing it throughout my life.
I'm still sad. I am. I'm still depressed, and I can feel it now. Kate has helped a great deal. She's made me so happy. I have one of the happiest days of my life last week, because of Kate. But I am still sad. My parents don't want me to get help, because they're in denial I guess. I'm just tired of feeling sad. Now I don't have depression that bad, but it weighs on me, and it’s making me feel uncomfortable, and I want it to stop. I'm still sad.
I hope people read this, I hope people aren't burdened by this post, or feel I am being over dramatic, or being stupid because my life is easy. It may be the case, but my problems are weighing me down. So, just keep that in mind. I love all of you who are reading this, and am glad that you got read this and feel that you are apart of my life, because you are reading what is going on in my life. In my life I love you more.
XO,
Brycen
I've had a pretty easy life, there really is no point for me to complain, but alas I am, because I am a negative person. I find life particularly easy, and difficult at the same time. Relaxing and burdensome at the same time. I rarely feel the nice times, but I definitely can feel the weight on the hard times. It hurts a lot of times.
I'm a really negative person. I am anyone can see it, that doesn't mean I have points were I am fantastically positive, but I just see things not going my way, so I express it negatively. That hurts not only my family, but my relationship as well, she's expressed that my negativity is hurting our relationship before. I'm working on that, and it doesn't hurt that I have a wonderful girlfriend to not only makes it easy to stay positive, but is positive as well (for the most part).
I don't like my job...in fact I don't like working at all. If you know me at all, you'd know that. I hate work, I hate working. I hate it. And I work in a grocery store, which sucks. It smells bad, and I stand all day, and the employees (minus Bryce, and Josh) suck. They schedule me when I have class, even though I've repeatedly told them I have school. They haven't even given me a shirt, and I've worked there over a month, and I have to drive like 20 minutes to get there (its in McKinney). The pay is that great either. I need a lot of money fast. And I'm not even getting enough to play for gas, tithing, and entertainment, let alone savings. I was told that some guy when in to an interview with the Stake president, and the Stake President asked how much the guy saved and he said "500 dollars," and the Stake President, said, see me when you have $1500, and ended the interview. That scares me, that scares me to no end. Because I want to go, and I only have like 200 saved, and I need a lot more, it cost about $9600 to go. And I'm afraid they won't let me go, because I have very little saved...so if you want to donate to the Brycen Mission Fund, or BMF you may, just send however much money to me personally or my mail at: Brycen Beck, BMF
301 Fountain Gate Dr.
Allen, Texas 75002
A really big thing in my life right now, and its more apparent every day goes by, is my mission. It’s a thing of great wonder, and much anxiety. I'm excited to go, I've wanted to go since I was in Primary (Sunday school for little kids) I sang songs like I hope They Call Me on a Mission. The thought of two of my best friends going on a mission make me very optimistic, that I won't be doing this alone, that I'll have two of my closest friends going through the same things at the same time. I know if they see me go, then they'll be more determined to go, and vice versa. A few years ago I made a promise to the Bishop that I would go on a mission, and since myself and many others have promised, many people have broken that promise and they'll continue to be people who brake that promise, and I don't want to be one of them. I am expected to leave within the next four months, I started the interviews the medical work, and the paper work for it. I'm very nervous about it. I don't know what to expect. I have a lot of things to work on, I need to earn more money. I need to do a lot. I'm afraid. So afraid. I'm afraid of a lot, because when I go, I will lose a lot. I will lose my family for two years, I will miss them, especially Dustin, Dustin recently has been so good to me. He is buying my stuff, and today he offered to give me all of his savings, which is close to $1000. I love him to pieces. I will miss them, but in the end, when I get back they'll be there for me, well not Dustin, I won't get to see him for four years, cause he'll go on his mission right before I get off mine. I will miss my friends, Taylor, and Ryan, nessa, and Josh, and countless others. But the thought that Taylor, and Josh will be doing what I am going to be doing is really comforting. I will be losing my Kate. I love and value her so much. She is a great asset to my life, and I'm glad, and I'm sad to have found her at this time in my life. I will be losing her when I go on my mission. Two years in a long time, and i don't expect her to wait for me, what I do hope is she won't screw up, or ruin her life while I'm gone. I hope I don't hear stories of her destroying her life. I hope she doesn't forget about me. What I hope is just wishful thinking it will never happen. I hope she would be there ready to pick up where we left off when I got back. I hope I wouldn't have changed much that I was still the lovable and slightly funny Brycen before my mission. The only thing that changed was my experiences on how to handle life, and my further advances in spirituality. I really wish that I could just snap my fingers and all the knowledge I were to have learned in my mission were to be transferred in that instant, and it was like I had already gone, but I got to continue on with life. There is a lot that I need to change. How I treat Kate, how I need to me more accepting, how I need to be more receptive of her feelings. A lot I need to change. And I hope that Kate, at least put up with me long enough for me to try and change some of those. I love her dearly. It's weird me saying that. I'm in love with Kate.
Another thing, that's not only on my mind, but just about everyone else’s, is this grip that everyone is losing on friends. I've felt it "start to melt" over a year ago. It's even more terrible now. I hate it. I've caused some of it. I hate that I've caused some of it. My friends whom I've loved and cared for years are now people that I don't really recognize anymore. I still love them to pieces though. Others have slipped away because of disputes not with me, but with a great friend of mine. Others have left for college and I don't get to see them, still others are in high school, and I'm moving on. Like I said some of them are my fault, some of them I have no control of. The way I am is to be down on myself because of these lost friendships, to think it’s my fault. I do that a lot, there have been many sleepless nights were i wonder what I did to lose these great friends. Some of the time I get angry at people for stealing them away from me...which is not my right to say. Because it was their choice. I just sorely miss these people that were so big in my life, that I've shared my great secrets with, my passions, my hopes, my dreams. I've seen Jeff four or five times in the past 5 months. Jeff, who I dubbed my Lt. Best Friends. I still love him to pieces, and I don't think he has changed much. Kjersten, whom I spent many countless nights talking and talking, I didn't want to be in the same room with. I've been chided because of that my many people. I feel Kate slipping away from me as well. I miss so many people and would love to see them again before I leave. It’s a very complicated situation. Because I'm afraid to mix friends, so Taylor and Josh don't get to hang out with Kate, and vice versa. Kate is good friends with Kjersten, and Jeff, and now Tobias, and I'm afraid to hang out with them, plus I'm sure they don't really want me over there anyways. And with Ryan and vanessa, I would love to hang out with the but Kate and Vanessa have a beef with each other. These things put both Kate and myself in an extremely unnerving, and uncomfortable position. But it doesn't help that most of those people don't really want to hang out with me to begin with so...It's weird because Kate and I both grew up in different "cultures" if you will, and it makes it hard to understand where each person is coming from. Different backgrounds makes it hard for each other to relate to each other. Although we have tons in common, and I do enjoy all the time I spend with Kate, and I'm sure it’s reciprocated. It's just hard sometimes with this friend’s situation(s). But I guess I won't have to worry about it for long, because I'll be long gone. But I will worry about Kate when I'm gone, even if I have to worry about the work ahead of me I'll still be thinking of her.
I've noticed that I've become more moody, and more arrogant as days progress, I don't know what to attribute that to, but I have some theories. 1.) I just so close to leaving that I'm moody, and I'm scared, and I'm worried...so sometimes I drive people away, or I get quiet, or sad, etc. 2.)Kate had great improved my Self-Worth, and confidence levels, but with that comes the feeling that I'm on top of the world, and may appear that I'm better than everyone else. That's not the case, most of the time I appear that way because I still have insecurities and I'm wrapped up in them. I use humor negatively recently, and these jokes may cut deep into you. I felt very mean, and arrogant towards Justine last night, and I want to apologize for that. I've also been very mean, and inconsiderate of Kate’s feelings a lot recently, and I would just like to apologize for it, and want you to know I will work on it and i love you. I am trying to work on it, I'm trying to work on some flaws that I know I have or have been expressed to me...I am trying. If you have any others that I may not be aware of please leave me a comment and let me know what it is. Thank you.
A big thing in my life is humor. I've always thought that I was a pretty funny guy, its been apparent all throughout my childhood. I've been told I was a funny guy (that might attribute the arrogance thing), and I've thought I was funny. But recently I've felt that I'm losing that. That I'm not funny anymore. No one laughs anymore, I think they think I'm just sad. Kate gets her laughs from elsewhere. Tobias and Jeff, who used to think I was hilarious don't get my jokes anymore, and they don't "get it" It makes me feel sad, because I've always thought it was the one thing I had. The one thing that wouldn't be taken away. And its slowly being taken away. It makes me very sad.
A bid thing in my past was theatre...it still is. I am taking three theatre classes, and am enjoying it. I am learning a lot. But I feel I am losing my touch. That I'm not as respected that I'm not good anymore. It also makes me sad. I love performing and I don't want to lose my touch, but I've been out of the game so long, and it will only get longer. What I would like is when I get back, I would like the past professors to remember me, and know that I was good, and I get cast in things. Now, I may not be doing theatre s a living, but I know I don't want to give it up, and I would like to find a way to keep doing it throughout my life.
I'm still sad. I am. I'm still depressed, and I can feel it now. Kate has helped a great deal. She's made me so happy. I have one of the happiest days of my life last week, because of Kate. But I am still sad. My parents don't want me to get help, because they're in denial I guess. I'm just tired of feeling sad. Now I don't have depression that bad, but it weighs on me, and it’s making me feel uncomfortable, and I want it to stop. I'm still sad.
I hope people read this, I hope people aren't burdened by this post, or feel I am being over dramatic, or being stupid because my life is easy. It may be the case, but my problems are weighing me down. So, just keep that in mind. I love all of you who are reading this, and am glad that you got read this and feel that you are apart of my life, because you are reading what is going on in my life. In my life I love you more.
XO,
Brycen