Funny how a melody sounds like a memoy
Transferring out of Converse is the most difficult decision I've had to make in such a long time. I still remember where I was when my mom called me and told me I got in. I was backstage during dress rehearsal, the second I found out I cried. The entire cast held me, and congratulated me, and my director was so proud and for so long I felt like things were going to fall into place. And like I mentioned in my last entry, they did. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember how dark of a place I was in this time last year. And the year before that. I've come so far in three years, who I am now is just... It's hard to believe that this may be just the surface of who I'm going to be even three years from now.
At Converse I got a little bit of what I never at in High School. People knew me, people liked me. I could be comfortable in my skin when I went around campus and content with the fact that no one was whispering behind my back. Months went by, and I got to the point where I could look in the mirror and be proud of the girl staring back at me.
But in March, it sort of fell apart. I won't go into the details, a lot of things concerning the business side of attending a Private Women's college were tough. They sort of... targetted against me. On numerous occasions the financial office told me not to attend class. To the point that my grades were affected because we simply could not afford this school. It's hard to deal with. I love the girls, I love standing on that theatre - more than that, I loved knowing that there was always a spot for me on that stage, or back stage, or where ever they could fit me. I have never been so comfortable with myself. But the business aspect was hard to deal with. On top of that, I suffered a fall down the stairs, didn't take proper care of my sprained ankle and tore a ligament, doctors say I will most likely have permanent damage. Getting to class became even more difficult. Getting through the day became impossible. I remember laying in bed with my room mate sleeping across the room and crying because... I knew I couldn't stay at Converse. And I felt like every good thing that this school had given to me was suddenly being snatched away. A place that promised to welcome me with open arms was suddenly pushing me out.
All of these aspects, as well as the stress I put myself under trying to work two shows at once, falling behind in classes, and hobbling around on crutches to a theatre upstairs without an elevator... I started having severe anxiety attacks. I remember just walking out of Bojangles, getting in the car, and lighting a cigarette. I couldn't do it. My hands started shaking and I couldn't breathe... I felt like everything was crashing in on me. Things from April after were just downhill. My relationship with my room mate suffered, my relationship with some of my friends was shattered, and my grades were destroyed. I had a 3.2 GPA at the end of my first semester. I may have a 2.1 this semester, if I'm lucky. I can't see my grades or finalize my transfer until tuition for Converse is paid off. I do not know what I will be doing come Fall. And it's killing me every day.
The thing is. I log onto facebook, and I see everyone I met at Converse, the girls who changes my life and will probably not even think twice of me next year. And they know what they're doing. Teaching at the Fine Arts Day Camp, Orientation Leaders, CA's, planning auditions for the fall shows, buying their textbooks... They know what they're going into. I feel lost. Clueless, broken... And I don't know what I'm doing and I really wish I weren't leaving Converse.
I think it's just like... Things were sort of good this year. Best year of my life considering the growth and decline of everything. I just feel like, they will never be that good again. If I'm telling the truth, I'm scared shitless.
At Converse I got a little bit of what I never at in High School. People knew me, people liked me. I could be comfortable in my skin when I went around campus and content with the fact that no one was whispering behind my back. Months went by, and I got to the point where I could look in the mirror and be proud of the girl staring back at me.
But in March, it sort of fell apart. I won't go into the details, a lot of things concerning the business side of attending a Private Women's college were tough. They sort of... targetted against me. On numerous occasions the financial office told me not to attend class. To the point that my grades were affected because we simply could not afford this school. It's hard to deal with. I love the girls, I love standing on that theatre - more than that, I loved knowing that there was always a spot for me on that stage, or back stage, or where ever they could fit me. I have never been so comfortable with myself. But the business aspect was hard to deal with. On top of that, I suffered a fall down the stairs, didn't take proper care of my sprained ankle and tore a ligament, doctors say I will most likely have permanent damage. Getting to class became even more difficult. Getting through the day became impossible. I remember laying in bed with my room mate sleeping across the room and crying because... I knew I couldn't stay at Converse. And I felt like every good thing that this school had given to me was suddenly being snatched away. A place that promised to welcome me with open arms was suddenly pushing me out.
All of these aspects, as well as the stress I put myself under trying to work two shows at once, falling behind in classes, and hobbling around on crutches to a theatre upstairs without an elevator... I started having severe anxiety attacks. I remember just walking out of Bojangles, getting in the car, and lighting a cigarette. I couldn't do it. My hands started shaking and I couldn't breathe... I felt like everything was crashing in on me. Things from April after were just downhill. My relationship with my room mate suffered, my relationship with some of my friends was shattered, and my grades were destroyed. I had a 3.2 GPA at the end of my first semester. I may have a 2.1 this semester, if I'm lucky. I can't see my grades or finalize my transfer until tuition for Converse is paid off. I do not know what I will be doing come Fall. And it's killing me every day.
The thing is. I log onto facebook, and I see everyone I met at Converse, the girls who changes my life and will probably not even think twice of me next year. And they know what they're doing. Teaching at the Fine Arts Day Camp, Orientation Leaders, CA's, planning auditions for the fall shows, buying their textbooks... They know what they're going into. I feel lost. Clueless, broken... And I don't know what I'm doing and I really wish I weren't leaving Converse.
I think it's just like... Things were sort of good this year. Best year of my life considering the growth and decline of everything. I just feel like, they will never be that good again. If I'm telling the truth, I'm scared shitless.