(no subject)
Hey, hmmm.. I'm really bored right now. Wasn't really allowed out tonight, my mom decided that last night, but then tonight she said I probably could have. Hah shit eh, oh well. I don't care. I got my nose pierced:D .. ahh, I wasn't really scared at all. The whole time I was mostly just really excited. Then he put the cork in my nose, then he started poking it a bit with the needle and I got soo scared! It hurt! I never cried though:P.. it was alright I guess. I like it!! I got a blue one. He said after it heals I can change the stud so it fits in better cause the new ones stick out a bit .. mm but yeah!
I've been in really wierd moods latley, like I'll be really happy, then I'll like just drop so suddenly and be unbelievably sad. That's what depression does to you I guess:S.
I do stupid things though, and I'm going to hurt someone I love. I don't want to.
Hmm life is soo retarted. I feel liek I don't fit anymore. It's like my place is gone, and everyone has found some way to replace me.. Everybody! Just society in general has forgotten about me, or just doesn't want me anymore. I feel like I have been kicked out.. and I can name maybe, 3 people? who I am sure still want me around. It sucks. :(
I don't trust people anymore.
I miss so many things, I really miss the summer.. me and ash were soo fucking tight. It was awesome.. now we're like.. blah. It sucks. I miss the school year too Me and Brinny were soo close and did everything together for the longest time, liek real best friends. That's changed too, however. I also miss Lesley. I don't know what the fuck happened. Things are soo different now.. I miss Steve, back in the day. We were liek this *fingers crossed* and we still kind of are, like I tell him everythign and I love him to death.. something's changed though. There is pretty much only one thing That is good in my life right now.. Kyle.
Some days, I don't know what I'd do without Kyle, like not a day goes by without me thinking about giving up. He helps me so much I love him to death.. he's the reason I still try. Ahh that sounds retarted but I guess no one would understand. I just can't imagine being without him.
He's the only one that makes me feel liek I don't need to hold on 'cause he won't let go.. sorta thing. Like with other people.. certain people. I'm just hanging there holding on so tight. I don't know why, its so dumb, but I'm still doing it and it hurts so much but I can't find the strength and security to let go. I'm scared to be alone.
I want to make things better for good. I'm trying, but its soo hard. Even when things are great, I'm still depressed.
I knwo I let him down, I want him to find out but I'm scared of what will happen. I love him. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.
Well tomorrow should be fun chilling with brinny.. hopefully drinking;) haha. Sunday I'm going to kyles after work. Yay :).. hmmm.. fun fun fun.. Happy Early Birthday Brinny, I love you <333
Well, I'm out
Peace