(no subject)
I guess I expected him to do what I've been doing: make out with a lot of different guys, but essentially stay single and wait and see about getting back together someday.
I guess I didn't expect him to be ready for a new relationship for a while. Can you blame me? A month before he started going out with her he was still begging me to get back together.
Is she just a rebound? How can he have stopped loving me in just six months? And clearly he'd stopped loving me in two or three, because he got with this girl after about that long. How is that fucking possible? Has he no heart?
Then again, what's wrong with me that it's been over six months and it's killing me to think of them together? And why did I have no problem at all jumping back into my kissing slut ways a month after we broke up, but now, six months after the breakup, I'm a complete and utter fucking mess? I can't stop thinking about him, all I want to do is talk to him, I keep thinking about every little fun thing we did together in college and hate the fact that she gets to do that stuff with him now, I've contracted diarrhea of the mouth and can't stop telling him how I miss him and I'm jealous of her and I don't understand how he's put our love behind him already.
I sound so fucking needy when you put it that way. It doesn't look that needy when you read over our conversations (I communicate better over IM sometimes--especially when I'm sobbing my heart out).
Fortunately, I have stopped short of telling him that I still love him. I do, but I haven't told him. Which is good.
I think part of me actually wants to get back together, believe it or not. Not like it is right now, not with us so far apart and with different lives, but as two college students in the same year, the same place in our lives. I want to study together and do laundry together and drink coffee together and make late-night Wal-Mart runs together and walk around campus together and go to the bars together and pass out in each other's arms and sleep until noon the next day then make breakfast and go to the library.
Right now I feel like if we'd just been the same age, we could have lasted forever.
Of course, that notion discounts all the problems we had that most likely had nothing to do with the age difference.
Maybe I'm just lonely, and depressed, and want someone to love me, and I hate that I feel that way, I haven't been like this since high school. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm like this.
Maybe I need to break off communication for a while. We never did that, but everyone I've talked to and all the relationship advice I've read online (believe me, I feel like a fucking loser for resorting to online dating forums, but I am completely fucking out of my mind right now and desperate as hell to figure out how to stop feeling this way) all say the same thing: you can be friends with an ex, but you have to have take a pause in between the relationship and the friendship, to allow time to heal, or something.
I definitely have not healed. I've generally been ok since we broke up, and at first I was just relieved to be out, but I've had a few random episodes of extreme sadness, and this is definitely the worst of the lot. And I can't tell if they're getting more frequent; they might be, and if they are, it's definitely a sign that my way is not working. And by my way, I mean how I refused to cut off contact after the breakup because "I'd rather keep talking and go through a period of extreme pain and anguish than cut you out of my life for a while and risk losing you forever," and I was worried that if we stopped talking for a while, when we did start talking again it would be all awkward and the friendship would be gone and we'd just gradually lose contact and eventually fall completely out of each other's lives.
Goddammit, I don't want to cut him out of my life, even for a few weeks/months!
Here I go again.
Maybe I'm in denial. Ok, fine, I still fucking love him. I love him so much I want to beat my brains out right now because I can't be with him. I hate his new girlfriend, and I hate that he's stopped loving me, and I hate that we broke up, and I hate that he wanted to cancel the breakup and I wouldn't let him.
That's how I feel right now, anyway. My rational side can't forget why I wouldn't let him cancel the breakup, and would like to remind me of all the bad things that made me make that decision, and let's not forget how I contemplated breaking up with him probably 70 times over the course of our 2-year relationship.
Right now all I want to do is ask him, point-blank, if he's stopped loving me. He hasn't actually said it; I just assume, since he has a new girlfriend. I want to ask him if he's stopped loving me and if he's given up on us ever getting back together. When we broke up, we promised each other that we'd always retain the possibility of getting back together someday, but now I feel like maybe he's decided that's never going to happen.
Shit. That would probably be a really bad idea, asking him those things, right? Nevertheless, despite the fact that I am fully aware of the stupidity of such a conversation, and all the ways it could go horribly wrong, and that you should never ask a question to which you only want one particular answer if you aren't 100% sure that you will get that particular answer--if he calls tonight like he said he would, I will ask them.
He probably won't, though. Since it's already 2:30 a.m. where he is, and he's partying tonight in celebration of the end of his finals, and let's face it, why call your ex-girlfriend so you can listen to her cry when you could have wild drunken sex with your new one?
I've crossed the line into pitiful.
Pathetic, piteous, pitiable, ruthful, rueful.
That's me.
I guess I didn't expect him to be ready for a new relationship for a while. Can you blame me? A month before he started going out with her he was still begging me to get back together.
Is she just a rebound? How can he have stopped loving me in just six months? And clearly he'd stopped loving me in two or three, because he got with this girl after about that long. How is that fucking possible? Has he no heart?
Then again, what's wrong with me that it's been over six months and it's killing me to think of them together? And why did I have no problem at all jumping back into my kissing slut ways a month after we broke up, but now, six months after the breakup, I'm a complete and utter fucking mess? I can't stop thinking about him, all I want to do is talk to him, I keep thinking about every little fun thing we did together in college and hate the fact that she gets to do that stuff with him now, I've contracted diarrhea of the mouth and can't stop telling him how I miss him and I'm jealous of her and I don't understand how he's put our love behind him already.
I sound so fucking needy when you put it that way. It doesn't look that needy when you read over our conversations (I communicate better over IM sometimes--especially when I'm sobbing my heart out).
Fortunately, I have stopped short of telling him that I still love him. I do, but I haven't told him. Which is good.
I think part of me actually wants to get back together, believe it or not. Not like it is right now, not with us so far apart and with different lives, but as two college students in the same year, the same place in our lives. I want to study together and do laundry together and drink coffee together and make late-night Wal-Mart runs together and walk around campus together and go to the bars together and pass out in each other's arms and sleep until noon the next day then make breakfast and go to the library.
Right now I feel like if we'd just been the same age, we could have lasted forever.
Of course, that notion discounts all the problems we had that most likely had nothing to do with the age difference.
Maybe I'm just lonely, and depressed, and want someone to love me, and I hate that I feel that way, I haven't been like this since high school. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm like this.
Maybe I need to break off communication for a while. We never did that, but everyone I've talked to and all the relationship advice I've read online (believe me, I feel like a fucking loser for resorting to online dating forums, but I am completely fucking out of my mind right now and desperate as hell to figure out how to stop feeling this way) all say the same thing: you can be friends with an ex, but you have to have take a pause in between the relationship and the friendship, to allow time to heal, or something.
I definitely have not healed. I've generally been ok since we broke up, and at first I was just relieved to be out, but I've had a few random episodes of extreme sadness, and this is definitely the worst of the lot. And I can't tell if they're getting more frequent; they might be, and if they are, it's definitely a sign that my way is not working. And by my way, I mean how I refused to cut off contact after the breakup because "I'd rather keep talking and go through a period of extreme pain and anguish than cut you out of my life for a while and risk losing you forever," and I was worried that if we stopped talking for a while, when we did start talking again it would be all awkward and the friendship would be gone and we'd just gradually lose contact and eventually fall completely out of each other's lives.
Goddammit, I don't want to cut him out of my life, even for a few weeks/months!
Here I go again.
Maybe I'm in denial. Ok, fine, I still fucking love him. I love him so much I want to beat my brains out right now because I can't be with him. I hate his new girlfriend, and I hate that he's stopped loving me, and I hate that we broke up, and I hate that he wanted to cancel the breakup and I wouldn't let him.
That's how I feel right now, anyway. My rational side can't forget why I wouldn't let him cancel the breakup, and would like to remind me of all the bad things that made me make that decision, and let's not forget how I contemplated breaking up with him probably 70 times over the course of our 2-year relationship.
Right now all I want to do is ask him, point-blank, if he's stopped loving me. He hasn't actually said it; I just assume, since he has a new girlfriend. I want to ask him if he's stopped loving me and if he's given up on us ever getting back together. When we broke up, we promised each other that we'd always retain the possibility of getting back together someday, but now I feel like maybe he's decided that's never going to happen.
Shit. That would probably be a really bad idea, asking him those things, right? Nevertheless, despite the fact that I am fully aware of the stupidity of such a conversation, and all the ways it could go horribly wrong, and that you should never ask a question to which you only want one particular answer if you aren't 100% sure that you will get that particular answer--if he calls tonight like he said he would, I will ask them.
He probably won't, though. Since it's already 2:30 a.m. where he is, and he's partying tonight in celebration of the end of his finals, and let's face it, why call your ex-girlfriend so you can listen to her cry when you could have wild drunken sex with your new one?
I've crossed the line into pitiful.
Pathetic, piteous, pitiable, ruthful, rueful.
That's me.