waning, piture post.
Just in case anyone unimportant still happens upon livejournal land once in a while. I'm making this post to tell you how I've been, how I've felt, what I've done, and where I want to be.
I moved to Clarksville since you last heard. I got a job at Jersey Mike's Subs and I haven't had any luck in the photography department. I went to APSU for a semester and I'll be going back again in August. I moved here for school and for Caleb. Caleb, works at Starbucks and hates his new job at Olive Garden, though it makes much more money. We're not technically dating and I found that out on the 4th when his mother asked me about it. I know hes been wavering. We used to live in separate cities and now we live in a one bedroom apartment. The fact is he's sick of seeing me every night, but I don't have any friends here really, besides the ones we both hangout with. I understand but it breaks my fucking heart. He still loves me, he tells me. But he's going to Gulf Shores with some girls that are gorgeous, I'm sure, on Sunday. I'm cool with that, I'm the "I'm cool with that girl friend" friend. I think he'll fuck her, I think he wants to. But I'll say I trust him and I won't mention anything I think. i cry too much lately and I drink myself into a drunken stupor, nightly. I'm trying to give myself the same freedom Caleb desires. But I keep seeing myself in dreams with him. No one else is quite cutting it. Am I dumb? Am I hopeless? Am I naive? No, I am none of those. I love this boy and even if he sleeps with everyone in the world I will sit here and wait. Drinking slowly. I try to drink slowly. I wouldn't mind drinking to my detriment. So, I'll do that if that's what it comes to. I won't kill myself, I'll let it go. I lost it. Today I lost it. Today we went to put a deposit down on a new apartment. A deposit that I thought might help us out of this sickness, homesickness. Sickness of the home. I picked up a pen to write that deposit in to my checkbook. And a woman chimed in to tell me that our apartment had already been taken by a man who hadn't even put down a deposit. He just has perfect credit, and makes 5 times the amount he needs to live in an apartment that is the only thing in the city we can really afford with our 600 dollar each monthly income. He just wanted to live in an old apartment that reminded him of his youth. I wanted to call this man and beg him to give us his apartment.
I started crying right there in their office. There was no way for us to win over this man. we cried the way back to our overpriced one bedroom apartment, and cleaned the whole thing. And this is where I am now. This is the shortest way possible for me to tell you how I have been. Do you want to know the worst questions in the world? The questions you should never fucking ask me? "What's wrong?" is the worst. "How are you?" is the second. There are lots of thing that make me want to drink myself to sleep.
But at the end of the day, I still want to crawl in bed with the one person who brought me to
today
night-sleepy city.
I moved to Clarksville since you last heard. I got a job at Jersey Mike's Subs and I haven't had any luck in the photography department. I went to APSU for a semester and I'll be going back again in August. I moved here for school and for Caleb. Caleb, works at Starbucks and hates his new job at Olive Garden, though it makes much more money. We're not technically dating and I found that out on the 4th when his mother asked me about it. I know hes been wavering. We used to live in separate cities and now we live in a one bedroom apartment. The fact is he's sick of seeing me every night, but I don't have any friends here really, besides the ones we both hangout with. I understand but it breaks my fucking heart. He still loves me, he tells me. But he's going to Gulf Shores with some girls that are gorgeous, I'm sure, on Sunday. I'm cool with that, I'm the "I'm cool with that girl friend" friend. I think he'll fuck her, I think he wants to. But I'll say I trust him and I won't mention anything I think. i cry too much lately and I drink myself into a drunken stupor, nightly. I'm trying to give myself the same freedom Caleb desires. But I keep seeing myself in dreams with him. No one else is quite cutting it. Am I dumb? Am I hopeless? Am I naive? No, I am none of those. I love this boy and even if he sleeps with everyone in the world I will sit here and wait. Drinking slowly. I try to drink slowly. I wouldn't mind drinking to my detriment. So, I'll do that if that's what it comes to. I won't kill myself, I'll let it go. I lost it. Today I lost it. Today we went to put a deposit down on a new apartment. A deposit that I thought might help us out of this sickness, homesickness. Sickness of the home. I picked up a pen to write that deposit in to my checkbook. And a woman chimed in to tell me that our apartment had already been taken by a man who hadn't even put down a deposit. He just has perfect credit, and makes 5 times the amount he needs to live in an apartment that is the only thing in the city we can really afford with our 600 dollar each monthly income. He just wanted to live in an old apartment that reminded him of his youth. I wanted to call this man and beg him to give us his apartment.
I started crying right there in their office. There was no way for us to win over this man. we cried the way back to our overpriced one bedroom apartment, and cleaned the whole thing. And this is where I am now. This is the shortest way possible for me to tell you how I have been. Do you want to know the worst questions in the world? The questions you should never fucking ask me? "What's wrong?" is the worst. "How are you?" is the second. There are lots of thing that make me want to drink myself to sleep.
But at the end of the day, I still want to crawl in bed with the one person who brought me to
today
night-sleepy city.