Wow its been a while since i last updated
Today is a rare day off from babysitting for me so i figured i would update since i have some time before i go to Bixby's and make their stupid pizzas. Things have been kind of iffy for me lately. I've either been feeling blah or depressed. I was actually doing ok until i saw Jon last week. It wasnt a bad thing or anything like that, it was actually a good conversation. I realized for the first time since we broke up that i've really lost my sanity. With him i always felt this sense of calmness and security. Now i dont. I really miss him, i wish we would have been able to work things out. I still care about him so much. I wish i could tell him that but i know i cant. It hurts and its hard. I have been such an emotional wreck lately its not even funny. Things on the home front are not great. I almost got kicked out because of some comments i made so that really wasnt a good thing. But i had a reason to say the things i did, and i found out what my parents really think of all the effort i have put into school and how they feel about me being in school in general. Supposedly im a screw up and a slacker and i dont know what responsibility is. Whatever i dont give a shit anymore if thats the way they feel they can kiss my ass. I hate my job at bixbys everytime i go to work i just want to quit but i know i need the money so i cant. Babysitting is ok, and i finally got my car back. Over a thousand dollars and over a month later the thing is finally running but there is still some stuff wrong so now i have to put more money into it. It's such a pain in my ass. I dont even wanna go back to school, i just found out that there is a chance that i wont be graduating in may and everytime i try to talk to someone about everyone tells me its not that big of a deal. Well it is a big deal to me and everytime i try to explain why its such a big deal no one cares. I cant afford to be in school longer than may, plain as simple as that. So right now i dont even wanna bother with it. Since we are on the subject of school i also found out that i really have no one to help me move into my apartment, everyone either is in school or are not really wanting to because they have to work. I am so tired of bending over backwards for people when they dont do anything for me. I do everything for everyone and when i need a little help with something or ask someone to do something for me they never do. Im so tired of people, i should just go curl up in a cave away from everyone. I dont know what to do, the only one that could really calm me down i dont ever get to talk to so i guess i'll just keep crying myself to sleep at night or just continue to drink until i pass out. Its the only thing i can do. I just wish someone would give a damn about me and actually listen to what i have to say instead of just saying ok and walking away. i dont know what to do anymore.