Perspective.
I'm not always sure whether I have a place in this universe. Sometimes I look at everything in an awe inspired gaze, feeling at peace with nature, and truly believe that all things make perfect beautiful sense. Othertimes I AM chaos. I flail about in lonley states of utter confusion reeling with nothingness. I value balance, but I can't practice it very well. The extremes excite and torture me. I'm spontaneous... I combust. Constantly exploding. Eroding. A constant push and pull of laughter and tears. I dance around and within myself. I often prolong moments of uncertainty. I wait. I wait. I wait. Without reason or purpose. Later I'll dub it procrastination and mock myself lightly, but in that moment.. I am both lost and found.. free floating in a gap between time.
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I'm in a pretty crazy place in my life right now. Exciting, interesting, awe-inspiring, funny. You know.. for someone who prides herself on being really good with words and having an extensive vocabulary, I think I'm rather repetitive with the ones I tend to use. Everything excites and interests me, and I'm always laughing. I guess I could reach into the mental thesaurus and describe things differently once in a while. Glee. Intruige. Mirth. But the message is the same, and I do find interest and goodness in things often and will continue to.
Let's strip things down to the basics for one second, though, without the rainbow coloured lens of Anna vision.. Recently I chose to rock my own world. I moved in with my dad, and a mother I had never lived with before. I made myself voluntarily jobless and therefore fundless. It wouldn't be far fetched to consider me currently in debt. Months and months of not working and having phone bills and that credit card that's become nothing more than a piece of plastic in my pocket, and that pesky reoccuring need to eat and feed and take care of the creatures that depend on me, does that after a while to the jobless one. And yet. Here I am. Crouching at rock bottom, and I couldn't be any more honest when I say that in this moment.. I cannot be more happy. I am excited. Life IS interesting. I'm proud of myself! The last 6 or so years of my life were spent in a much different place.. or at least ended at it. Before I moved, I had a consistent job, an income, a 'normal' routine. I paid rent, bills, I ate, I lived. The struggle then, however, was internal, and brutal. There was heartache, there was soulful discontent, there was the feeling of being overlooked and unwanted, there were moments of complete hoplessness, I saw my future.. bleak.. consistent.. comfortable.. and was terrified of the mediocrity of it all, horrified that I would continue in the same tone, needlessly stuck in a life of monotonous meaningless. And then one day. Someone asked me how I was. And I broke down into myself, and realized, I wasn't okay with it anymore.. I wanted more... and suddenly I had it!
Months later.. I'm in a different town.. starting a new job soon.. completely in love.. and when I look into the future.. I'm happy, even though I'm not really sure what it will bring. But I have hope. My soul is alive. And I love the juxtaposition of being broke and uncertain of what is to come.. and happy.. having left behind a comfortable predictable routine.. and misery. I left behind a secure management position, company car, business card, monotony, convention, conformation, with a promising future of more of the same. For nothingness. For everythingness.
No matter how complex things get sometimes.. I want to stay true to the things I value most. Laughter. Unconditional Love. Freedom. Really, I'm not just being cute and silly when I constantly highlight these passions of mine. I never want to feel stuck in a place where I feel like I can't laugh as loud as I want to. I do not want to be around people who tell me to settle down, or stop acting strangely. I've been those places, I've felt the oppressive confusion of being asked to conform to someone elses ideals, I've bargained with my heart, I came close to losing my soul. And for what? Consistency? Normality? Money? No thankyou! I like who I am. I may have done things.. and I mean EVERY thing.. rather unconventionally.. but when I look back at my life, I have no regret, and I'm proud of the things I've done.
I've ridden an elphant, a horse, and a donkey. I've driven a ship, a motorcycle, rode in a plane, and helicopters. I've sailed, I've windsurfed, I scubadived, I rockclimbed, I rappelled. I took a train for half a day into a country I had never been into before simply to follow my heart. I've held a bat. I've been bitten by snakes and laughed in response. I live in a miniture zoo. I'm the girl who goes on long walks in the rain alone to cheer herself up. I talk to strangers I've never met before through an electronic box that sits on my lap and experience familiarity and connection in boundless ways. I stop in the middle of the road when I spot a field of cows to reach out and touch nature. I disregard the clock. Sometimes my day starts at 4pm, just because it can. And often it doesnt end for 30 hours or more. These really are the things I am most proud of!
I used to think money was important, and I still recognize that it's.. necessary and beneficital to an extent.. but I realized many years ago.. that I'd prefer to fill my life.. and focus my time.. on experience. There's so much more I want to do. I want to learn rhythym. I want to ride MORE creatures.. camels and ostriches here I come! I want to touch a hippopotamus. I want to travel and see so many things and places in the world. I want to procreate. I want to adopt. And most of all.. I want to continue and highlight the limitless laughter and love in my life. And to always feel *this* free. To never let anyone or anything limit my vision, or damper my perspective.
In a little over a week I start my minimum wage part time job as an animal attendant, where I'm greeted by the squealing of donkeys and screeches of peacocks. Where I can snuggle goats and laughs with pigs. This is the kind of life I want to live.
This morning I ventured out running various errands for the family on three hours sleep. I came home exhausted and ready to shut out the world for a while in the darkness of the cave that is my bedroom, until I realized I had to play hide and seek with my houdini-impressioning rabbit throughout the house. After I won ( I always win ) I slept through the majority of the daylight hours of the day, and reimmurged into conciousness after the sun had been down for a while, and enjoyed hours upon hours of music and caffeine in hermit like bliss. I woke up at 9pm.. and am currently nearing 8am.. so I guess somewhere in between the day ended and began.. but it's always been hard for me to differentiate these things in a conventional way. Nevertheless.. I have no idea what this 'new' day shall bring.. but I'm excited for it! I know it's going to be interesting. An adventure.
Time for coffee!!! And laughter. And love.
-AnNa
---
I'm in a pretty crazy place in my life right now. Exciting, interesting, awe-inspiring, funny. You know.. for someone who prides herself on being really good with words and having an extensive vocabulary, I think I'm rather repetitive with the ones I tend to use. Everything excites and interests me, and I'm always laughing. I guess I could reach into the mental thesaurus and describe things differently once in a while. Glee. Intruige. Mirth. But the message is the same, and I do find interest and goodness in things often and will continue to.
Let's strip things down to the basics for one second, though, without the rainbow coloured lens of Anna vision.. Recently I chose to rock my own world. I moved in with my dad, and a mother I had never lived with before. I made myself voluntarily jobless and therefore fundless. It wouldn't be far fetched to consider me currently in debt. Months and months of not working and having phone bills and that credit card that's become nothing more than a piece of plastic in my pocket, and that pesky reoccuring need to eat and feed and take care of the creatures that depend on me, does that after a while to the jobless one. And yet. Here I am. Crouching at rock bottom, and I couldn't be any more honest when I say that in this moment.. I cannot be more happy. I am excited. Life IS interesting. I'm proud of myself! The last 6 or so years of my life were spent in a much different place.. or at least ended at it. Before I moved, I had a consistent job, an income, a 'normal' routine. I paid rent, bills, I ate, I lived. The struggle then, however, was internal, and brutal. There was heartache, there was soulful discontent, there was the feeling of being overlooked and unwanted, there were moments of complete hoplessness, I saw my future.. bleak.. consistent.. comfortable.. and was terrified of the mediocrity of it all, horrified that I would continue in the same tone, needlessly stuck in a life of monotonous meaningless. And then one day. Someone asked me how I was. And I broke down into myself, and realized, I wasn't okay with it anymore.. I wanted more... and suddenly I had it!
Months later.. I'm in a different town.. starting a new job soon.. completely in love.. and when I look into the future.. I'm happy, even though I'm not really sure what it will bring. But I have hope. My soul is alive. And I love the juxtaposition of being broke and uncertain of what is to come.. and happy.. having left behind a comfortable predictable routine.. and misery. I left behind a secure management position, company car, business card, monotony, convention, conformation, with a promising future of more of the same. For nothingness. For everythingness.
No matter how complex things get sometimes.. I want to stay true to the things I value most. Laughter. Unconditional Love. Freedom. Really, I'm not just being cute and silly when I constantly highlight these passions of mine. I never want to feel stuck in a place where I feel like I can't laugh as loud as I want to. I do not want to be around people who tell me to settle down, or stop acting strangely. I've been those places, I've felt the oppressive confusion of being asked to conform to someone elses ideals, I've bargained with my heart, I came close to losing my soul. And for what? Consistency? Normality? Money? No thankyou! I like who I am. I may have done things.. and I mean EVERY thing.. rather unconventionally.. but when I look back at my life, I have no regret, and I'm proud of the things I've done.
I've ridden an elphant, a horse, and a donkey. I've driven a ship, a motorcycle, rode in a plane, and helicopters. I've sailed, I've windsurfed, I scubadived, I rockclimbed, I rappelled. I took a train for half a day into a country I had never been into before simply to follow my heart. I've held a bat. I've been bitten by snakes and laughed in response. I live in a miniture zoo. I'm the girl who goes on long walks in the rain alone to cheer herself up. I talk to strangers I've never met before through an electronic box that sits on my lap and experience familiarity and connection in boundless ways. I stop in the middle of the road when I spot a field of cows to reach out and touch nature. I disregard the clock. Sometimes my day starts at 4pm, just because it can. And often it doesnt end for 30 hours or more. These really are the things I am most proud of!
I used to think money was important, and I still recognize that it's.. necessary and beneficital to an extent.. but I realized many years ago.. that I'd prefer to fill my life.. and focus my time.. on experience. There's so much more I want to do. I want to learn rhythym. I want to ride MORE creatures.. camels and ostriches here I come! I want to touch a hippopotamus. I want to travel and see so many things and places in the world. I want to procreate. I want to adopt. And most of all.. I want to continue and highlight the limitless laughter and love in my life. And to always feel *this* free. To never let anyone or anything limit my vision, or damper my perspective.
In a little over a week I start my minimum wage part time job as an animal attendant, where I'm greeted by the squealing of donkeys and screeches of peacocks. Where I can snuggle goats and laughs with pigs. This is the kind of life I want to live.
This morning I ventured out running various errands for the family on three hours sleep. I came home exhausted and ready to shut out the world for a while in the darkness of the cave that is my bedroom, until I realized I had to play hide and seek with my houdini-impressioning rabbit throughout the house. After I won ( I always win ) I slept through the majority of the daylight hours of the day, and reimmurged into conciousness after the sun had been down for a while, and enjoyed hours upon hours of music and caffeine in hermit like bliss. I woke up at 9pm.. and am currently nearing 8am.. so I guess somewhere in between the day ended and began.. but it's always been hard for me to differentiate these things in a conventional way. Nevertheless.. I have no idea what this 'new' day shall bring.. but I'm excited for it! I know it's going to be interesting. An adventure.
Time for coffee!!! And laughter. And love.
-AnNa