Casting Out the Snow, A PAMPHLET
Prolonged exposure to winter inevitably leads to insanity, so Winter Possession is often difficult to spot. While the angle and rotation of the earth is a factor in the advance of the seasons, Spring will not arrive until Winter has left the soul of every last survivor. The victims of Winter Possession are usually unaware that the spirit is lingering in them, and may profess an eagerness for sun and green; but as gray and soggy Aprils illustrate, Winter rarely lets go easily. It is up to all citizens to observe their loved ones for the telltale signs of Winter Possession. These signs include:
1. The cultivation of snow piles in shady corners of the yard. During thaw you will observe that some snow lingers stubbornly on; in some cases this is just an accident of sunlight and shadow, but the victims of Winter Possession will rise in the wee hours to tend their snow with their frigid breath. In such cases it is best not to attack the snow directly, but rather to lie awake until the possessed person rises to tend their cold garden. The victim will be in a near-somnabulatory state and highly suggestible; have a variety of gardening tools at hand, and remind the victim to take gloves, a hand rake, and a watering can full of lukewarm water. It may take three or four nights of such work to destroy the snow, and such destruction is always traumatic for the victim. Treat them with hot chocolate, and sweep the spirit out the back door with a new broom.
2. Uncharacteristic or excessive use of words like "filthy," "messy," "disgusting," etc. New-fallen snow appears pristine, pure, innocent; spring is, let's face it, a muddy and indecent season, with naked trees and randy wildlife chirping and chattering outside every window. Certain delicate souls may react badly to this and leave themselves open to an extended Winter Possession. Mild cases may be treated with nature documentaries, but more severe cases require spontaneity and/or adaptability on the part of the spirit doctor. Take any and all opportunities to expose the victim to rain showers, puddles, and wriggling things. These efforts will at first be met with prissy indignation; simply repeat the application ad nauseum until the victim begins to loosen up.
3. Stocking cap fixation.* Persons wearing stocking caps in 50-, 60-, or even 70-degree weather (local norms vary) have become so accustomed to living with the spirit that they are convinced that winter always has been and always will be. Such cases are severe and must be treated aggressively by taking away the victim's cap and wallet. Boil the cap with garlic and use the cash in the wallet to buy a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream (not Blue Bunny). Serve the victim a bowl a day until the supply runs out.
Extreme cases of Winter Possession may require exorcism. The guidelines for casting out winter, as set down by Father Ivar Sigurdsson, are as follows:
1. Remove all flannel sheets, down comforters, and storm windows from the victim's room.
2. Persuade the victim to lie down on the bed. The victim will ask for his or her skis--he or she may not own skis, but this is the winter spirit's way of trying to suss out whether there is about to be trouble. Reassure victim and spirit both by explaining that their skis are being waxed. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, bring the victim water-skis.
3. Recite the following: "I tell you this, o servant of the cold, by the robin and lilac, by the sun itself, just get on out of here now. Hearken, Ralph**, and leave this child of the earth like so much runoff. Your part of the of cycle is past, so come on by for some lemon bars around Thanksgiving, how does that sound. Amen."
4. The victim may spew Christmas carols or vomit ice. The former will be tuneless but harmless; the latter lend a surprisingly pleasing flavor to a dry martini.
5. After the spirit has passed from the body, allow the victim to rest with the window open and Bananarama*** playing softly.
Finally, be aware that awareness is no protection; you may be a victim of Winter Possession yourself. Are you still carrying a hat and gloves in your pocket? Have you caught yourself wistfully stroking your snow shovel, which you are still keeping next to the front door? Please, for all of our sakes, seek help immediately.
*Also known as Mike Nesmith's Disease.
**All winter spirits are named Ralph, and most are female.
***The Go-Gos are also acceptable.
1. The cultivation of snow piles in shady corners of the yard. During thaw you will observe that some snow lingers stubbornly on; in some cases this is just an accident of sunlight and shadow, but the victims of Winter Possession will rise in the wee hours to tend their snow with their frigid breath. In such cases it is best not to attack the snow directly, but rather to lie awake until the possessed person rises to tend their cold garden. The victim will be in a near-somnabulatory state and highly suggestible; have a variety of gardening tools at hand, and remind the victim to take gloves, a hand rake, and a watering can full of lukewarm water. It may take three or four nights of such work to destroy the snow, and such destruction is always traumatic for the victim. Treat them with hot chocolate, and sweep the spirit out the back door with a new broom.
2. Uncharacteristic or excessive use of words like "filthy," "messy," "disgusting," etc. New-fallen snow appears pristine, pure, innocent; spring is, let's face it, a muddy and indecent season, with naked trees and randy wildlife chirping and chattering outside every window. Certain delicate souls may react badly to this and leave themselves open to an extended Winter Possession. Mild cases may be treated with nature documentaries, but more severe cases require spontaneity and/or adaptability on the part of the spirit doctor. Take any and all opportunities to expose the victim to rain showers, puddles, and wriggling things. These efforts will at first be met with prissy indignation; simply repeat the application ad nauseum until the victim begins to loosen up.
3. Stocking cap fixation.* Persons wearing stocking caps in 50-, 60-, or even 70-degree weather (local norms vary) have become so accustomed to living with the spirit that they are convinced that winter always has been and always will be. Such cases are severe and must be treated aggressively by taking away the victim's cap and wallet. Boil the cap with garlic and use the cash in the wallet to buy a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream (not Blue Bunny). Serve the victim a bowl a day until the supply runs out.
Extreme cases of Winter Possession may require exorcism. The guidelines for casting out winter, as set down by Father Ivar Sigurdsson, are as follows:
1. Remove all flannel sheets, down comforters, and storm windows from the victim's room.
2. Persuade the victim to lie down on the bed. The victim will ask for his or her skis--he or she may not own skis, but this is the winter spirit's way of trying to suss out whether there is about to be trouble. Reassure victim and spirit both by explaining that their skis are being waxed. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, bring the victim water-skis.
3. Recite the following: "I tell you this, o servant of the cold, by the robin and lilac, by the sun itself, just get on out of here now. Hearken, Ralph**, and leave this child of the earth like so much runoff. Your part of the of cycle is past, so come on by for some lemon bars around Thanksgiving, how does that sound. Amen."
4. The victim may spew Christmas carols or vomit ice. The former will be tuneless but harmless; the latter lend a surprisingly pleasing flavor to a dry martini.
5. After the spirit has passed from the body, allow the victim to rest with the window open and Bananarama*** playing softly.
Finally, be aware that awareness is no protection; you may be a victim of Winter Possession yourself. Are you still carrying a hat and gloves in your pocket? Have you caught yourself wistfully stroking your snow shovel, which you are still keeping next to the front door? Please, for all of our sakes, seek help immediately.
*Also known as Mike Nesmith's Disease.
**All winter spirits are named Ralph, and most are female.
***The Go-Gos are also acceptable.