wide awake and no place to go...

Jun 28, 2005 01:27

its like 1:30 am, and i was tired, but when i came up to go to bed i wasnt anymore...
my brothers been on my mind alot, kevin said that when zech gets home, just be his best friend and tell him we'll get through this and not be like why are you so stupid? and at first i was like, that will be hard, but now... even though its only been 2 days and i've went longer without seeing him... im really starting to miss him bad, apparently someone like the judge or someone like that said that he could very likely be in there til his next court date which is in august... and i want that, if that's what God thinks is best, cause i want this to be his turning point, but i will only be able to see him on weekends and my weekends are usually heckticly full...i cant imagine saying goodbye when i'd have to leave...especially if i couldnt hug him and i doubt i will be allowed to. Im also so highly upset now because they said if one had to stay in they all had too, but two of them got out today because they have rich parents, which pisses me off because on of them was the instigator who's not going to learn anything now cause he knows how easy he can get off, and that's a bunch of bull, nice justice system, yeah that's what i said you all suck!!! Well james's mom gave up right away and didnt even want to try so he's definatlly going to have to stay till his next court date, which i was glad cause he's kinda thick skulled, so i think it may take a little more for him... he's like a brother to me tho...so i hope this is his turning point too, but i have alot of doubt in me about him.

im hopeing zech will do more with us, initially cause he'll know it will keep him out of trouble, but then again he may not... it's so weird to sit here and him not be home and know there's no chance of him randomly comeing home in the middle of the night...suddenly the thought of waking up at 4am to the sound of him in the next room on the computer with that annoying glare of light sounds so welcoming...

i really dont understand why im sitting here crying...it's not like he died or anything, but it almost feels like he did... even though he wasnt home a whole lot, it still seems so empty here... when i was trying to read my bible today, i went in zechs room to do it... i think i went in there for comfort, but everything felt so forgoten... im not sure how to explain it, but a part of me feels so violated, like he was kidnapped...

everything in me wants to believe he's learned his lesson already and that he'll get to come home before the next court date... and when he gets home i want to take him to taco bell and get him as many double decker tacos as he wants, then take him to see whatever horror movie is out, and then play ddr until we both passout...

i think alot of why im hurting so bad right now is because they wouldnt let me and regina go see him...they wouldnt even talk to me on the phone... gee it's not like im a little kid... they were telling dad how it would look good for family to come cause it shows he had ppl that love him, and then keep us out...

i think im officially sick of talking about this...pray for me...and all of us...and mostly for zech...we all need it bad...love you all... g'night

laura
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