fic: all the stars and boulevards [ 4 ]
title all the stars and boulevards [ 4 ]
author snuffleslove
pairing zayn/liam, harry/louis, girl!niall
word count 60k
rating pg-13 (now)
warnings slash, swearing, drugs, genderswap, abuse, domestic violence, dub-con
summary zayn and louis take on columbia (university!au)
a/n AU where the boys are international students at columbia university and new york city is taken by storm.
They get him a wheelchair when the plane lands. Zayn tries to hobble past them as if he hasn't noticed but Louis grabs his arm lightly and gives him a look and Zayn is sore and tired so he relents and settles in the chair.
--
Only Niall is waiting for them at the gate and Zayn looks back at Louis, confused, but Louis is too busy grinning wildly at her to notice so he turns back around.
Niall launches herself at Louis as soon as they draw nearer, laughter light and giddy. When she turns to Zayn, he thinks her smile falters for a moment but she throws her arms around his neck and whispers an I missed you so much into his hair and so he lets it go.
"Where are Harry and Liam?" he asks, when she pulls away, eyes suspiciously bright. She does a graceful little shuffling of her feet, and Louis and her share a glance and then turn back to him.
"We - ah - we thought you might want to tell them yourself, what happened," Niall continues after a moment, "Or we could ah - we could make something up."
Zayn stares at them for a moment, incredulous that they would have had the foresight to think of such a thing.
"Oh. Thank you," he whispers, sort of awestruck. He furrows his brow, thinking. "You can tell Harry, Louis. And Li -" he imagines the look on Liam's face and sighs. "I'll tell him."
Niall smiles fuller then, and Louis cups his shoulder roughly.
--
Zayn pops another pill in the taxi and lays his head against the window, familiar landscape lulling him to sleep.
--
He wakes up to the sound of soft, light crying and is about to open his eyes, concerned, when he hears Louis' quiet voice.
"S'alright Niall, s'ok. He's here with us, he's safe, that's all that matters. And it's not that bad, he's fine. His injuries aren't even that serious."
Zayn wants to comfort her, wants to pull her to him and never let her go but he just clenches his eyes tighter and tries to go back to sleep.
--
They make their way slowly down college walk, Niall and Louis weighed down by the luggage and Zayn weighed down by the crutches. It's a beautiful day and Zayn breathes in the smell of rough New York City streets and feels at home.
Suddenly Louis stops short. Zayn follows his gaze up Low Steps to where Harry Styles is lounging carelessly in the sun, long limbs splayed out gracelessly, eyes closed and head tilted upwards to catch the rays. He looks beautiful and Zayn wonders whether he knows it. Probably, considering the way Louis looks at him, the way Louis is looking at him now, mouth slightly parted. Zayn thinks it's probably Harry's blood that runs through Louis' veins at this point, the way his pupils dilate and his hands clench and unclench slowly.
"Ahem," Zayn says, grinning at his friend. Louis starts, mumbles an apology.
"Sorry, sorry let's go, he won't even notice -" Zayn stares at him like he has two heads.
"What the fuck, Lou -?" He tucks the crutches further under his armpits to cup his hands to his mouth. "Harry Styles!" he shouts up Low Steps. Harry blinks his eyes open slowly and lethargically, the way he forms words. He scans College Walk for the source of the noise and when his gaze settles on the three of them, a grin lights up his face, stretching into his messy curls. He lopes down the steps, taking two at a time, arms flailing about in no pattern at all.
Abruptly he slows down, smile sliding off his face slightly as he nears them, takes in Zayn's condition. Zayn braces himself.
"Zayn," he breathes, voice slightly hoarse. "What the hell happened?"
"I - Nothing. Louis will tell you later. It's good to see you mate," Zayn says, attempting an easy smile. Harry looks lost, eyes darting from Louis to Zayn, unsure and obviously upset.
"Harry," Zayn says exasperatedly. "I'm fine. Go on, then." Harry grins at that, dimples showing and Louis drops his bags just in time to get an armful of him. He slides their bodies into place and their hips together, pulling him closer by the back of Louis' neck. Louis' hands clutch at his waist greedily. They bump noses, share a giggle, and then Harry's eyes darken and he cups Louis' face gently, thumbing his cheek, whispering into his mouth before slotting their lips together. It's easy and sweet and Zayn imagines Louis must feel like he's coming home the way he's holding Harry close. Then Harry tilts his chin, deepens the kiss and Zayn thinks he hears them share a desperate sound and there are definitely two tongues in Louis' mouth.
Niall clears her throat loudly, giggling. When Zayn turns to her, she's laughing, eyes bright and high.
Louis breaks away slightly out of breath, but he clutches at Harry's hips to keep them pressed against his and buries his face in Harry's neck, the tips of his ears a bright red. Harry is smirking.
"You two go ahead, we'll catch up." Niall laughs out loud at that and Zayn rolls his eyes. "Leave the luggage, we'll bring it up when Louis's er - calmed down a bit."
Louis groans, tries to crawl further into Harry as Niall lets out a holler.
"Tosser," he mutters, and he's embarrassed but he can't stop the smile that's lighting up his face.
--
Niall and Zayn get about twenty yards away before Niall bursts into laughter, clutching at her sides, small body shaking with it. Zayn feels her giddiness pull at him until he's laughing too, doubled over, leaning heavily on his crutches, resting his bad leg lightly on the ground.
"God," she says when she can breathe again, panting slightly, "they are - something else." Zayn nods, feeling lighter than he's felt in days.
"I'm glad they're together again," she muses as they amble on together towards Zayn's dorm. "I don't think I could handle Harry's pining for another day."
Zayn frowns, tries to imagine a pining Harry, and fails. Niall laughs at him.
"Yeah, I really couldn't believe it either. He's in deep, surprisingly enough."
"Good, because Louis is too. I think -"
"Yeah," Niall nods, smiling broadly, and she presses her hand into the small of his back lightly.
"How's Liam?" Zayn asks softly. To her credit, the corners of Niall's lips just turn slightly downward before she answers.
"He's alright, I think. Dealing with some of his own baggage, but mums the word with him. He spent a lot of time in my room this week, but we didn't really talk much."
Zayn's eyes widen and a slight twist in the pit of his stomach forces out his next question.
"Oh," he mumbles, "You two are - ?" Niall's eyes shoot daggers at him.
"Don't be a dick, Zayn, of course not."
He nods, ignoring the fact that his stomach untwists at her words.
"Right, sorry."
--
At the security desk, Niall hands her ID to the desk attendant, flashing him a beautiful smile that he returns reluctantly. Zayn thinks the attendants here enjoy being miserable and he realizes with a jolt that he's missed them anyway.
--
On the way to the elevators, they pass one of Zayn's friends from his first year at Columbia and she practically squeals when she sees him, an almost comical frown gracing her lips.
"Oh Zayn," she, Allison, says, voice higher than what's comfortable.
"Hey babe," he says lightly, shooting her a grin that makes her giggle. She kind of nods at Niall, who nods back tersely, the traditional greeting exchanged by Columbia and Barnard girls.
"Oh but what happened?" she asks dolefully. This time Zayn anticipates the question.
"Nothing, babes, just took a nasty fall. I'll be good as new in no time," he says, proud that he's kept his voice casual and easy.
"Oh poor baby," she whines slightly, and Niall actually snickers behind her hand. Allison sends Niall a glare and Zayn rolls his eyes at her.
Luckily the elevator arrives just then and Zayn is spared a cat fight.
"You're an ass Niall," Zayn says, when they're safely behind the closed doors. Niall grins at him wickedly, and she's not sorry at all.
"Oh baby," she practically moans, trying to fake the American accent. "I love you so much because you have an accent and nice hair. Tell me again how much you like drinking tea."
--
The room feels different when they enter it, brighter maybe, and a bit musty, even though they haven't really been gone all that long. It's because he's different he decides, stronger despite his injuries. He feels the sides of his mouth turn up slightly.
Niall helps him lay out on the bed, limbs aching with a satisfied tiredness. She slips into the space between him and the wall and nestles in against him and he breathes in the scent of her shampoo and sighs, content. When she turns up to face him, though, there's a slight furrow in her brow but she simply closes her eyes after a moment and nuzzles closer.
And just like that she's posed the question. It settles in between them, a weight against Zayn's chest that has his mouth going dry.
"Niall," he protests softly. He feels her shake her head against him. He sighs louder this time. "Don't tell Harry and Louis ok?" When he's sure she's nodded against him, he continues reluctantly, the words feeling rough and uncomfortable in his mouth. "He saw me skyping with Harry and he got jealous," Zayn forces out. "He thought I was seeing someone here. He thought I was being unfaithful. And I was," the last part slips out of his subconscious before he even realizes what it means, and suddenly he's speaking quickly, thoughts flooding in faster than he can let them out. "Maybe not Harry but - Liam and I - I wasn't exactly. I mean."
"Zayn you didn't - You were drunk and - you didn't even - nothing happened," Niall says and she's fiercely angry all of a sudden, Irish accent coming on thick, eyes blazing as she fixes them on him. "And you didn't deserve to get beaten up for what happened for fuck's sake. Even if you made a mistake Zayn - you deserved better. He's bloody - " she cuts off as the door opens and Harry and Louis' laughter pours in along with the smell of Thai food.
"Niall -" Zayn says warningly, but he needn't worry, because Niall is already up, following her nose and the rumble of her stomach. When she's found her carton she shoots one last stern look back at Zayn before unwrapping her chopsticks with her teeth.
Harry takes her place in the sliver of bed remaining, carefully avoiding his cast, balancing a carton and a pair of chopsticks.
"Got your favorite," Harry says, grinning proudly. "Louis didn't remember, the tosser, but I did," he opens the carton for Zayn who accepts it gratefully, the smell of pad kee mao awakening his hunger. Harry settles in against his shoulder, occasionally opening his mouth for bites.
Louis pulls Niall down into his lap and proceeds to try and steal food from over her shoulder. She grumbles and manuvers herself gracefully, blocking his attempts.
"Niall," he whines petulantly, but she just shrugs nonchalantly, closing her eyes to savor the taste of her curry.
Zayn chuckles at the sight and Harry's burying a smile in his shoulder that he knows takes up half of Harry's face, but - there's a voice missing. The chords they're playing now lack the distinct temor of a bass and Zayn knows everyone can feel it. He tries to focus on his food.
--
As Niall and Harry are about to leave, Zayn pulls Louis aside.
"I can go back with Niall," he says softly, "Or were you planning on going back with Harry?" Louis looks away.
"I think I'm going to stay in tonight. Don't want you to have to walk all the way, and John Jay is going to be so bloody hot."
Zayn opens his mouth and closes it a few times.
"What the fuck is wrong with you Louis?"
Louis rolls his eyes.
"Nothing."
"Louis -" Zayn says warningly.
"Fine. It's just that. Your nightmares. You haven't slept alone since that first night. I don't want -"
"Oh for fuckssake Lou - "
"Just a few more nights, I swear. And then I go back to sexing up my young beautiful boyfriend. Ok?"
Zayn hates himself for laughing but he can't help it.
"Alright, but just so we're clear, I'm fine."
"Of course you are love, of course you are."
--
When Zayn wakes up drenched in a cold sweat, his breathing heavy and a dull pain seeping through his chest, Louis is already in bed with him, holding him tightly and whispering soothing things into his ear.
"Fuck," Zayn gasps, hot tears of frustration threatening to spill over. ("Say it. You're my whore.")
"Hey, it's alright," Louis says and his voice is reassuringly calm, lulling Zayn back to sleepiness. "You're fine. It'll get better soon."
Zayn just clutches at him and tries to breathe in deep to calm his racing heart.
--
Zayn is already pissed off when Louis lets himself back into the dorm room. He's been trying to unpack and put things back in order, and he's been on hold with customer service about his laptop for at least an hour and he's about had it. He can only hobble around on one foot and with his ribs he can hardly pick up anything. He's hot even though he's only wearing shorts and Columbia hasn't turned on their damn air conditioning yet.
And now Louis's staring at him, eying the bandages and the bruises with an unreadable expression.
"What?" Zayn snaps.
"I - nothing," Louis says, coming back to himself. "You said you wouldn't be here." Zayn rolls his eyes. He had meant to go to the library an hour ago.
"Yeah, I know, but I got held up. Did you mean to bring Harry back?"
"No I - Well, I told Liam he could meet me here after his meeting so we could get lunch."
Oh. Zayn sighs tiredly.
"When's his meeting get done?" Zayn asks, resigned. Louis checks his watch.
"Forty minutes or so?"
"Alright, I'll be gone by then."
Louis nods but he's giving Zayn a look that makes Zayn groan exasperatedly.
"Listen, if you want to have a good time at lunch you'll agree that this isn't the moment. Alright?"
"Fine," he says contritely. "Gonna shower."
--
When Liam shows up twenty minutes later, Zayn is still there. Shirtless.
"I hope you're not naked in here," is the only warning Liam gives before he opens the door. Zayn freezes, watches as the grin in Liam's eyes drains, replaced by shock as he takes in the state of Zayn's body.
"What the fuck happened?" Liam growls, and his voice is low and dangerous sounding. Zayn's palms are sweating and he can't move, can't form words. "Zayn." And his name is a warning on Liam's tongue.
"I -. George. He got mad and -" Zayn mumbles, breaks off as Liam's eyes flash and his entire face darkens. Zayn sees his hands clench into fists at his side and for a split second Zayn wonders what they would feel like pressing bruises against his skin.
"I'll kill him," Liam snarls. "I'll fucking murder the bastard, I swear to God -"
At that moment Louis bursts out of the bathroom, towel thrown low around his waist. There's still soap in his ear.
"Liam -" Louis' voice is a forced calm but Liam rounds on him, glaring.
"You knew," he accuses, and there's a sharp sting to his words, "You knew this would happen and you let him go anyway, how could you?" Louis shrinks into himself like Liam's actually knocked him back, gaze dropping to the floor.
"Liam," Zayn admonishes sternly, finding his voice in Louis' hurt look. "That was out of line."
And just like that the anger drains from Liam's face, his fists unclench, and he deflates.
"I'm sorry," he says faintly. He takes in Zayn's condition once more. "Shit you must be tired, here." He moves a chair towards Zayn, and Zayn falls into it carefully, Louis' hand steadying him.
"I'll just give you two a few minutes," Louis says, looking at Zayn who nods. Liam shoots him a grateful smile and Louis smiles back at him then, pulls him into a bear hug. "Missed you so much." He whispers roughly into Liam's ear and Zayn sees Liam's strong arms tighten around Louis a little more.
When Louis's dressed and gone Liam sits on the bed across from Zayn, careful to avoid any physical contact.
"How bad is it?" Liam asks, and his voice is calm now, laced with simple apology and concern and Zayn thinks idly that his anger is so different than - than what Zayn is used to.
"Just a sprain, and a few broken ribs."
"Oh," Liam says, smiling a half smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "S'not too bad then. Had a sprain my junior year of high school. Whined like a girl when they wouldn't let me wrestle in the finals, but at least I didn't have to deal with physical therapy. Shame about the broken ribs though, hear they hurt like a mother."
Zayn laughs, grimacing when it sets off the pain, and Liam makes a face in sympathy.
"Where are your pain meds?" Liam asks, getting up.
"Top of the dresser," Zayn says, pointing. "How was your break?" he asks, (anything to keep him from thinking about George) as Liam busies himself getting water and the small bottle.
"It was - it was really good," Liam says, but his voice has gone all quiet like. Zayn raises an eyebrow. "You uh - you inspired me. I called my sister." He sits back down across from Zayn and hands him the glass of water and his medication. When he notices Zayn still looks confused he continues. "For the first time in almost three years." Zayn's eyes go wide.
"Liam!"
He just sort of shrugs, averting his eyes. Zayn doesn't know what to say. Talking to Liam about his family feels strangely intimate and he doesn't know where Liam wants to draw the line.
"Well...how'd it go?"
"She was really glad to hear my voice," Liam admits, and he's smiling shyly. "She cried a bit," he laughs sheepishly. Zayn grins and rolls his eyes playfully.
"Girls," he says, mock exasperatedly.
"Girls," Liam agrees. He's smiling so hard now his eyes are scrunched up and Zayn's missed that almost painfully. "I miss her so much." he says quietly, his voice becoming serious again.
"I don't understand, Li -" Zayn says, trying to keep his voice equally soft, hoping to soothe Liam into answers, but Liam remains mysterious.
"I know," Liam sighs and he seems a bit frustrated with himself, "I'm sorry. I'm just - I'll tell you soon ok?"
Zayn nods, wants to reach out to him but just settles for smiling at him reassuringly.
"S'ok, I get it. Don't worry about it."
Liam's attention wanders around the room for a moment, then he sighs.
"So this -" he makes a vague gesture towards Zayn. "Are you - Are you holding up ok?"
"Yeah," Zayn nods. "I guess I am. Being back helps. The distance, the change in scenery. He was never here, you know? He was never really part of the life I have here. Makes me feel like I can move on."
"So it's over then?" he asks, voice carefully neutral.
"Feels like it, yeah. It was different this time. What - what happened," and Zayn shudders as the memory comes back, but Liam's smiling encouragingly and it feels - ok to talk to him about it. Feels natural. "Before he'd - he'd cause me pain and then paint over it with love, affection and. But this time. When I close my eyes. I just feel the monster in him."
"You're far away from him now. Really really far."
Zayn looks up at Liam, unclenches his hands slightly.
"Yeah," he breathes out. "Yeah, I guess I am."
--
The dining halls reopen that night and the five of them crowd in together around a small table. There's noise all around them and they can barely hear themselves think so they don't talk much, communicate in small familiar gestures and push food into each other's plates. It feels good and Zayn forgets about the crutches under his seat and thinks instead about the warm bodies next to him and the crappy food he's eating.
Once, when Niall, Harry and Louis are occupied in themselves, Liam leans close into Zayn.
"I missed you," he whispers into Zayn's ear. Zayn pulls back to look Liam in the eye and the other boy blushes slightly like he does when Louis tells a particularily crass joke. He doesn't look away, though. His gaze is open and honest with affection and Zayn wants to smile back but it's shaky from the butterflies in his stomach. Liam knows somehow though, and his grin just widens until he looks like a crazy person with his usual crinkly eyed smile.
--
On Monday Louis goes with him to see the sophomore class dean. He's carrying a thick folder with him but Zayn doesn't think to ask about its contents until Louis starts pulling from it medical records and doctor's referrals. Zayn can only sit there and stare at him wide-eyed as he talks to the woman about student insurance and follow up care.
In the end, Zayn only nods dumbly as the Dean explains to him the resources he has available here ("Ten free therapy sessions, the doctors on staff are incredible" and "go to Columbia Pres in six weeks with your records and they'll remove your cast for you. It's all covered") and that he'll be exempt from classes for a week ("I'll have a chat with your professors, don't you worry") before he's being handed his crutches.
"You were great in there," Zayn says as soon as they've left the office. Louis shrugs.
"I don't know. You had a lot to deal with and - Mum helped."
"I owe you one," Zayn says quietly. "Owe you more than that actually."
Louis shakes his head.
"Zayn -" But Zayn reaches out to him, stops him in the middle of the sidewalk. They face each other and they're almost exactly the same height, and Zayn smiles at him, draws him closer.
"Thank you, Louis," he says, grinning a bit foolishly when Louis blushes.
"You're a sap," Louis grins back.
--
Just when Zayn is about to go insane from hunger Harry lets himself in balancing two plates of pasta from Ferris. Zayn could almost kiss him.
"God, I thought I was going to starve," he says with relief, "But I just couldn't bring myself to make the trek to John Jay. You're a lifesaver."
"You only love me for the food I bring," Harry whines, voice childlike.
"And your curls, Haz, don't forget."
Harry laughs heartily.
"Dick," he says, with little bite, bringing the food over to Zayn. Despite Zayn's hunger, he sets the plate down and pulls Harry into him. The other boy is taller than him so it's a bit awkward, but Zayn pushes a hand through Harry's curls and Harry sighs contently, shifts so he can put his head in Zayn's lap and nose into the sliver of exposed skin above Zayn's hip.
When Harry begins to purr Zayn laughs out loud.
"You're an absolute whore for this, you know that?"
Harry makes a noise of disagreement.
"M'not a whore. M'Louis'. Just like having my head scratched," he murmurs sleepily.
--
"Go spend the night with Harry."
"Hello to you too," Louis mutters, closing the door behind him and sinking to the floor in front of it with a thud. He looks exhausted.
"Hello Louis," Zayn rolls his eyes. "And now goodbye."
Louis cracks an eye open to stare at him suspiciously.
"You knew I'd be weak and vulnerable after a long rehearsal. This is a low blow, Malik."
"S'not a punishment you twat. I haven't dreamt about - I haven't dreamt in 3 days. And Harry's starting to hate me I'm sure of it."
Louis sighs.
"Fine. But if you need anything -"
"I certainly won't be calling you. Now get out." Louis gets up heavily off the floor, drops his bag on his desk and leans down into Zayn's bed to kiss him on the forehead.
"I mean it Zayner, you need anything, you call me."
"And interrupt your passionate lovemaking? I'll call Niall." Louis blushes, mumbles something under his breath. "What?"
"We're not having sex," Louis says a bit louder. He's still blushing. Zayn's eyes widen but he shrugs it off.
"Oral, Anal, it's the same happy ending."
Louis manages to glower and blush at the same time.
"I want to hit you," he muses. Zayn smiles at him, angelic.
"You'll thank me later."
At this, Louis smiles his Harry smile. It's tired but it's the reaction Zayn had been expecting.
"Probably," he agrees good-naturedly, ruffling Zayn's hair before grabbing his bag and heading out.
"A gentleman always swallows," Zayn calls out. Louis manages to flip him the bird before the door shuts behind him.
--
He wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to scream. He had thought that he was done hearing George's voice, feeling George's fists. He just wanted it to be over. He gasps, trying to slow his breathing. Closes his eyes but images are back, as clear as if they'd been painted on the back of his eyelids. They fly open again. He reaches for his phone, checks the time. Two fifteen am. He finds himself wishing he'd bought a pack of cigarettes the other day - fuck, but if they could stop the shaking of his hands -
He tells himself it's because he doesn't want to wake Niall, but his fingers are already searching for Liam's number before he can get his thoughts together.
"Zayn?" His voice isn't groggy with sleep so Zayn pushes the guilt away and lets the warmth flow over him.
"Liam. Are you - Can I -?"
"You're fine," Liam interrupts soothingly. "Just tell me what you need."
"I just. I can't sleep," Zayn mumbles. With the reality Liam's voice has brought, Zayn's starting to feel silly.
"I can - I could come over if you want." But Zayn can hear the hesitancy in his voice.
"No just. Just talk to me. About anything."
"What do you want to talk about?" the smoothness returns and Zayn lets his guard down again, coaxes the sleepiness back.
"Tell me about your sister," Zayn asks, hoping he hasn't overstepped. He knows he's done something right, though, when he hears Liam smile through the phone.
"Um. Well. She's two years younger than me. Dark brown hair, a bit shorter than me, beautiful. She's got a laugh that's so loud it sounds fake, kind of like Niall's but less Irish, obviously -"
"What's her name, Liam?" Zayn asks patiently, he's drowsy but trying to hang on to every word, wants to know more.
"Oh," he chuckles. "Charlotte, sorry. No one really calls her that except our parents. She's Char to me. Or Cher, if I want something," he laughs again, and yeah, Zayn could get used to this really fast. Too fast. He swallows, shuts his eyes, wincing as George's face comes into focus and the cold sweat returns. Zayn relishes in the familiar sting for a moment.
"Zayn?"
"M'here," he mumbles. He focuses on a spot above him, willing his body to slip into sleep almost by accident, tries to focus on his eyelids growing heavy and his breathing becoming deep.
"Right, sorry. So Char," Liam's voice is quiet and unhurried and it works like a charm. Zayn feels sleep creeping in slowly. (He prays its dreamless.) "We never used to get along when I was younger. She was always the stuck up brat that did everything right and I was always getting into trouble because of it -"
--
Niall walks in without ceremony and dumps a few large grocery bags on the table, proceeding to stock up their normally empty fridge. Zayn raises an eyebrow.
"Harry said something?"
She's whistling a tune Zayn can't recognize and only when she gets to the end of the phrase does she answer.
"Harry told Lou, Lou offered to edit my history paper."
Zayn makes a move to help her but she waves a hand in his general direction.
"Stay," she sticks her tongue out a bit as she examines the jar in hand. "Does peanut butter need to be refrigerated you think?"
--
"You've gone mental," Zayn says incredulously. "How am I supposed to get there? They don't exactly make attics handicap friendly."
Harry and Louis look up from where Louis is sitting on Harry's lap.
"Don't be dull," Louis chides. "There's an elevator until the fifth floor and then like, fifteen steps to the attic. You'll be fine." Harry kisses his neck. "We'll have Liam carry you." Louis says, smirking at his boyfriend. Harry kisses the smirk off his face soundly as Niall sends him a severe look.
"C'mon Zayner," she says. "Liam's already waiting to let us in and we -"
"You want me to come now?" Zayn interrupts, looking down at his worn sweats and ratty white beater. It's Harry who convinces him in the end. He pulls away from Louis to ruffle up his hair, unstyled and soft over his forehead.
"Trust us, Zayn. We're family."
--
They make their way to the Kent Hall slowly but surely. Zayn popped two pain killers before they left but he still feels achy and tired. The others oblige his slow pace without question and it is nice to finally get out of their room. The night feels big and bold, vast enough that their soft murmurs can't disturb it. They pass lovers on Low steps and mates smoking in alcoves and Zayn's hands itch but he resists, chewed nails picking at the padding of his crutches.
Liam opens the door for them hurriedly, sticking his neck out in all directions to sweep for guards, before slotting the door open a bit more and whispering in an anxious voice.
"C'mon," he murmurs. "Get in."
Louis rolls his eyes at Niall.
"Hello Liam!" he nearly shouts, voice echoing in the empty halls. "How are you?!"
"Oh for fucks' sake," Liam grumbles.
They take the elevator up to the fifth floor and then Zayn hands his crutches off to Niall and uses Harry and Liam instead to get up the last flight of stairs. The combined power of attic heat and nerves is making them sweat and they move slowly, Harry mumbling small encouragements the entire way.
When they finally get to the top Zayn wants to collapse right there, but he hobbles over to the set of candles that have been laid out. There's a pillow and one of those meditation chairs, probably nicked from Dodge, set up for him already and Zayn raises his eyebrows in surprise as he lowers himself down and tries to get comfortable.
"Thought of everything, didn't you," Zayn asks, directing the question at Niall. She's sitting with her legs spread at an almost obtuse angle, wetting a dutch with religious care, but she manages to shake her head.
"Don't look at me," she says between licks. "Was Liam."
Liam's cheeks are shaded pink and he fiddles with the edge of Louis' guitar until Harry slaps his hand away and shoves him closer to Zayn so he can sit between them.
"Ahem," Louis says purposefully, trying to kick Liam from across Harry. Harry takes over the job and Liam has to duck out of the way with a glare.
"Right, fine," he says when he's re-situated himself. "We're ah - we're going to try something a bit different tonight. Just. Sit back and enjoy? I hope." He clears his throat and then Louis starts to play, strumming the strings to his guitar lightly, before setting up a steady rhythm of chords. Niall hands Zayn the unlit blunt and stands, folding and unfolding her body in a series of stretches and it doesn't feel any different, feels achingly familiar, in fact, but then Liam's singing, singing.
"I can't win, I can't reign, I will never win this game, without you. Without you." Liam raises his eyes shyly to look at Zayn, and Zayn draws a sharp intake of breath, the blunt dangling forgotten between his fingertips. "I am lost, I am vain, I will never be the same, without you. Without you."
His voice is not simply shower worthy, Zayn knows from the start. It warms him to the bone and Zayn feels his heart trip with every shake and swell with every riff.
"I can't rest, I can't fight. All I need is you and I, without you. WIthout you." And suddenly a smile is coloring his voice and he and Harry exchange glances, their eyes grinning. Harry begins to lay down a beat, his beat-boxing clumsy, his dimples deep.
When Liam turns back to Zayn there's a smile for him too and Zayn feels his cheeks warm. He turns his focus to Niall instead. Her movements carry more precision than they usually do and Zayn realizes she's choreographed this routine, her body finding the pattern of steps in a way only practice can bring. Louis adds his voice to the chorus, a third above Liam, and their voices blend, a contrast of warm and rough. Liam's singing to Zayn but Louis's singing to Harry and Harry stumbles on the upbeat, hiding his eyes in his hair.
"I will never be the same. Without you. Without you. Without you."
Louis and Harry cheer wildly and Niall collapses into Liam's lap to wrap her sweaty arms around his neck and Zayn slumps against the chair, heart beat slowing.
"Well?" Louis prompts. "C'mon Zayner, we've been working on this for ages, least you can do is give us a smile."
Zayn rolls his eyes but he does smile (after the shock has run its course), ignoring Louis to settle his eyes on Liam.
"That was brilliant," he breathes, "You were brilliant."
Liam buries his face in Niall's hair but Zayn can make out the blush creeping to the back of his neck, even in the low light.
"Thanks man," he mumbles.
"I didn't know you could sing."
"I did," Louis says boastfully, and Harry shoves him slightly.
"What?" Zayn wonders if Liam's surprises will ever stop.
"I um. I used to put out youtube videos. Louis found my cover of Michael Bublé and recognized me."
"Listened to that cover over and over again," Louis says wistfully. "Best one out there, if you ask me. Until you took it down."
Liam shrugs and looks away.
"Wasn't that good."
Louis snorts derisively but Zayn shoves at Louis roughly, waits until Liam turns to him, eyes questioning.
"If today's performance was anything to go off of, I'm sure it was perfect."
There is a chorus of aww and Za-ayn that follows, until Niall interrupts them.
"Oi, Zayn, where the weed at?" Zayn offers the dutch to her, still a bit dazed from their performance, but she shakes her head, leads his hand to tuck it between his lips and offers him a light instead. "You first, it's your homecoming after all." He inhales the sweet smoke deeply, relishing in the slight sting against his throat.
"Louis came home too, why aren't we celebrating him?" he asks after he's passed the blunt on to Louis.
"They love you more," Louis complains, pouting until it interferes with his hit. Niall moves off Liam's lap to settle into Louis' for a cuddle, stealing the dutch when he's done.
"S'not true," she tells Zayn, "The main problem was that it was mostly Li's idea but partially Harry's too and we know it's physically impossible for him to keep anything from Lou so -"
Harry lets out an embarrassed laugh at that, covers his face with one large hand. But Louis shifts Niall slightly so he can cup Harry's chin and pull him closer. Zayn thinks he hears the floorboards rattle with their collective groan when Louis dips his head for a snog.
--
They've found a nook in Butler all to themselves, a rare occurrence and a cause for lighter moods - even though Zayn feels overwhelmed with work. He sits in a cushioned chair, pencil in mouth, bad leg stretched out on a spare chair across the table. Niall's curled up in what should be an extremely uncomfortable position on the sofa, book in hand, teeth making a wreck of her bottom lip. Liam taps a fickle rhythm on the table with the highlighter in hand.
They've lost Louis and Harry to tech week for Varsity Show. Opening night is this Friday and their room has been tense and strained for a few days now. Louis rarely sleeps, runs on coffee and adrenaline nowadays, and he's tetchier than usual. Zayn can normally handle it, is used to handling Louis at all moments, but his own pain gnaws at his patience, makes him less forgiving.
He's run away to the library for the time being.
"Hey," Liam says, tossing a pen cap at Zayn that jars him from his thoughts. Zayn tries to glare at him but it's half hearted, and he takes the proffered water bottle and digs around his bag for his pills. "Good boy," Liam teases gently.
Zayn does manage to glare at him this time. He opens his mouth to retort but Niall cuts in.
"At least he remembers, Zayner," she interjects lazily, not even bothering to look up from her book. Zayn rolls his eyes.
When his limbs become intolerably sore, he sighs, defeated, and begins to pack his things. Liam caps his highlighter almost immediately but Niall stays put.
"Gonna stay," she says distractedly. "Hafta finish this damn book by tonight or I'll never hand in my paper on time."
"Should I bring you some coffee?" Liam offers. Niall wrinkles her nose.
"No, I hate the bloody coffee they have here," she shakes her head vehemently. "I'll pass."
Zayn shrugs at Liam and they leave her to it, making their way out as slowly and as noiselessly as possible. (A few people look up to glare at them anyway.)
In the elevator, Liam's quiet, puling at the threads of Zayn's tattered messenger bag.
"Oi," Zayn chides gently. "What's wrong?" Liam stills his hands but remains quiet. "Li?"
Liam sighs, looks up at him finally.
"M'so tired," he says finally, swaying slightly on his feet with the words. "Had a late night last night with the guys from the team."
"Do you have a lot due tomorrow?" Zayn asks, wondering whether Liam will shrug him off if he squeezes his arm in sympathy. Liam's stillcareful to avoid touching him unless absolutely necessary. Zayn's not sure why it's so painfully obvious.
"No but. I should get ahead on some of my work for next week," Liam mumbles, fighting back a yawn. Zayn rolls his eyes affectionately. Sleepy Liam is a Liam he rather enjoys, he's decided.
"Come back to my place and I'll fix you some coffee yeah? Least I can do for, you know -" he gestures at where his bag as made a home on Liam's shoulder for the past few days.
"Yeah," Liam says, smiling slightly. "Yeah, sounds good."
--
"Do you need help?" Liam asks when Zayn moves towards the coffee pot, resting his crutches against the countertop.
"Nah, I've got it. Gotten quite good at doing this one-legged. Been fixing up about ten cups of coffee a day for Louis."
Liam laughs a little and nods, dropping comfortably into Zayn's bed and pulling the blankets around him.
"Miss the two of them," Liam remarks softly, and Zayn smiles at his tone. "We're gonna go see their show right? Let's buy them flowers."
"Yeah I've been wondering about that. Should we do opening night or closing night you think?"
"Hmm," Liam hums, and Zayn has his back turned to him but he's sure he can draw the expression on Liam's face. "Closing night? They've got a kick ass party they throw afterwards every year, so we can crash that too. Will you be able to manage?"
Zayn shrugs. He hasn't been out since he got back and he's not sure how easy it would be to navigate on crutches an apartment full of drunk kids.
"M'not sure that's a good idea," he decides after a moment.
"I'll take care of you," Liam says around a yawn, burrowing deeper in Zayn's pillow. Zayn doesn't respond, just turns on his Ed Sheeran playlist and washes out a mug in the sink. Liam joins in after a moment, voice confidently catching harmonies around the main line and Zayn's smile widens as a thought occurs to him. He listens until Liam's voice goes slightly flat and then fades completely.
"So that was what Michael Bublé at karaoke was about then?" he asks, marveling at Louis' scheming prowess. When he doesn't get an answer right away he turns from the sink. "Liam?" He finds Liam sleeping soundly, hands clutched in Zayn's duvet, mouth slightly open. He muffles a laugh with one hand and then sets the coffee in the fridge and pulls out the book he needs to finish.
--
Louis finds him reading that same book a while later.
"Coffee's in the fridge if you need, I just made it," Zayn says, not looking up from the text. But then Louis makes a muffled noise and Zayn's head jerks up in surprise.
"Lou?"
"Sorry I was just surprised to find Liam in your bed," Louis says, eyes wide, voice only half joking. "He's not naked under there is he?" That's a full on joke though and Zayn's eyes narrow.
"Fuck off Louis," he hisses, trying to keep his voice down so as to avoid waking up Liam. "It's not funny. I don't understand how you lot can encourage him like that, especially you." His words are borderline nasty now, but he's mad, alright? And he damn well has a right to be.
"Why not?" Louis asks innocently, eyes comically wide. Zayn's in no mood for a laugh though.
"After Ge-George," he forces himself to say his name,"and - all that's happened. You know I'm not good enough for him."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Louis asks with a growl and suddenly he too is fighting to keep his voice to an angry whisper.
"What do you mean, what's it supposed to mean? He's Liam he's perfect, he deserves so much better than -" and Zayn's whispering too but there's a sting to his words anyway. Zayn's just not sure to whom it's directed.
"And why is it you don't deserve just as much?" Louis looks dangerous now, he's gripping the edge of an unoccupied chair so hard the blood has fled his hands and his eyes flash with emotion. Zayn opens and closes his mouth a few times, but Louis' not letting this go and Zayn sighs, deflates.
"I practically cheated on my last boyfriend," Zayn says in defeat, "I made him so mad he wanted to beat the shit out of me and -"
"Shut up," shouts Louis. Finally, the dam breaks. Liam stirs.
"Lou -" Zayn whispers hastily, wishing instantly that he hadn't said anything.
"No. I don't want to hear it."
Zayn winces away from the words, and the anger they carry. Liam sits up slowly.
"Lou?" he murmurs sleepily, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "S'the matter Lou?"
"Ask Zayn," and each word's got a bite.
"No," Zayn whispers, but the defiance has flown out. "C'mon Louis, let's drop it. I'm sorry I said anything -"
Louis throws his hands up, movements choppy.
"Fuck this. Just. Fucking - I can't." He turns on his heel, slamming the door behind him.
Zayn blinks hastily, swiping at unshed tears.
"Zayn?" Liam asks, getting out of bed and reaching for him. His hands stop short though and he pulls them back quickly. "C'mon Zayn what happened?"
"Why won't you touch me?" Zayn asks abruptly instead. Liam blanches.
"Zayn -"
"No. Tell me. I want to know," Zayn demands, even though he's almost positive he doesn't. Liam sighs, averts his eyes.
"I didn't want you to - I know you must know how I feel about you," Liam responds reluctantly after a moment. He's blushing now and fidgeting with the class ring he wears, turning it over and over. Zayn softens, regrets the question immediately but the apology gets stuck in the back of his throat. "I didn't want you to feel pressured and. It's easier for me. Being with you this way. I'm sorry."
"Yeah," Zayn says heavily, exhaustion and aches setting in, letting the pressure seep back in to replace the lull his pain meds afford him. Suddenly he doesn't want to deal with this anymore, either. "Yeah," he says again. Liam looks desperately unhappy but the tiredness clouds Zayn's judgement, making him fuzzy and clumsy. He can't gather anything to say.
"I'll go," Liam mumbes finally. A thick horrible silence hangs over them as he gathers his things quickly and Zayn closes his eyes, bites his tongue against the stay, Liam i'm sorry.
Liam leaves without another word, though, and Zayn lets him.
--
Zayn wakes up in the middle of the night several times, hoping to find Louis' warm body next to his. Each time his bed remains cold against him and he falls back into a tiring sleep.
author snuffleslove
pairing zayn/liam, harry/louis, girl!niall
word count 60k
rating pg-13 (now)
warnings slash, swearing, drugs, genderswap, abuse, domestic violence, dub-con
summary zayn and louis take on columbia (university!au)
a/n AU where the boys are international students at columbia university and new york city is taken by storm.
They get him a wheelchair when the plane lands. Zayn tries to hobble past them as if he hasn't noticed but Louis grabs his arm lightly and gives him a look and Zayn is sore and tired so he relents and settles in the chair.
--
Only Niall is waiting for them at the gate and Zayn looks back at Louis, confused, but Louis is too busy grinning wildly at her to notice so he turns back around.
Niall launches herself at Louis as soon as they draw nearer, laughter light and giddy. When she turns to Zayn, he thinks her smile falters for a moment but she throws her arms around his neck and whispers an I missed you so much into his hair and so he lets it go.
"Where are Harry and Liam?" he asks, when she pulls away, eyes suspiciously bright. She does a graceful little shuffling of her feet, and Louis and her share a glance and then turn back to him.
"We - ah - we thought you might want to tell them yourself, what happened," Niall continues after a moment, "Or we could ah - we could make something up."
Zayn stares at them for a moment, incredulous that they would have had the foresight to think of such a thing.
"Oh. Thank you," he whispers, sort of awestruck. He furrows his brow, thinking. "You can tell Harry, Louis. And Li -" he imagines the look on Liam's face and sighs. "I'll tell him."
Niall smiles fuller then, and Louis cups his shoulder roughly.
--
Zayn pops another pill in the taxi and lays his head against the window, familiar landscape lulling him to sleep.
--
He wakes up to the sound of soft, light crying and is about to open his eyes, concerned, when he hears Louis' quiet voice.
"S'alright Niall, s'ok. He's here with us, he's safe, that's all that matters. And it's not that bad, he's fine. His injuries aren't even that serious."
Zayn wants to comfort her, wants to pull her to him and never let her go but he just clenches his eyes tighter and tries to go back to sleep.
--
They make their way slowly down college walk, Niall and Louis weighed down by the luggage and Zayn weighed down by the crutches. It's a beautiful day and Zayn breathes in the smell of rough New York City streets and feels at home.
Suddenly Louis stops short. Zayn follows his gaze up Low Steps to where Harry Styles is lounging carelessly in the sun, long limbs splayed out gracelessly, eyes closed and head tilted upwards to catch the rays. He looks beautiful and Zayn wonders whether he knows it. Probably, considering the way Louis looks at him, the way Louis is looking at him now, mouth slightly parted. Zayn thinks it's probably Harry's blood that runs through Louis' veins at this point, the way his pupils dilate and his hands clench and unclench slowly.
"Ahem," Zayn says, grinning at his friend. Louis starts, mumbles an apology.
"Sorry, sorry let's go, he won't even notice -" Zayn stares at him like he has two heads.
"What the fuck, Lou -?" He tucks the crutches further under his armpits to cup his hands to his mouth. "Harry Styles!" he shouts up Low Steps. Harry blinks his eyes open slowly and lethargically, the way he forms words. He scans College Walk for the source of the noise and when his gaze settles on the three of them, a grin lights up his face, stretching into his messy curls. He lopes down the steps, taking two at a time, arms flailing about in no pattern at all.
Abruptly he slows down, smile sliding off his face slightly as he nears them, takes in Zayn's condition. Zayn braces himself.
"Zayn," he breathes, voice slightly hoarse. "What the hell happened?"
"I - Nothing. Louis will tell you later. It's good to see you mate," Zayn says, attempting an easy smile. Harry looks lost, eyes darting from Louis to Zayn, unsure and obviously upset.
"Harry," Zayn says exasperatedly. "I'm fine. Go on, then." Harry grins at that, dimples showing and Louis drops his bags just in time to get an armful of him. He slides their bodies into place and their hips together, pulling him closer by the back of Louis' neck. Louis' hands clutch at his waist greedily. They bump noses, share a giggle, and then Harry's eyes darken and he cups Louis' face gently, thumbing his cheek, whispering into his mouth before slotting their lips together. It's easy and sweet and Zayn imagines Louis must feel like he's coming home the way he's holding Harry close. Then Harry tilts his chin, deepens the kiss and Zayn thinks he hears them share a desperate sound and there are definitely two tongues in Louis' mouth.
Niall clears her throat loudly, giggling. When Zayn turns to her, she's laughing, eyes bright and high.
Louis breaks away slightly out of breath, but he clutches at Harry's hips to keep them pressed against his and buries his face in Harry's neck, the tips of his ears a bright red. Harry is smirking.
"You two go ahead, we'll catch up." Niall laughs out loud at that and Zayn rolls his eyes. "Leave the luggage, we'll bring it up when Louis's er - calmed down a bit."
Louis groans, tries to crawl further into Harry as Niall lets out a holler.
"Tosser," he mutters, and he's embarrassed but he can't stop the smile that's lighting up his face.
--
Niall and Zayn get about twenty yards away before Niall bursts into laughter, clutching at her sides, small body shaking with it. Zayn feels her giddiness pull at him until he's laughing too, doubled over, leaning heavily on his crutches, resting his bad leg lightly on the ground.
"God," she says when she can breathe again, panting slightly, "they are - something else." Zayn nods, feeling lighter than he's felt in days.
"I'm glad they're together again," she muses as they amble on together towards Zayn's dorm. "I don't think I could handle Harry's pining for another day."
Zayn frowns, tries to imagine a pining Harry, and fails. Niall laughs at him.
"Yeah, I really couldn't believe it either. He's in deep, surprisingly enough."
"Good, because Louis is too. I think -"
"Yeah," Niall nods, smiling broadly, and she presses her hand into the small of his back lightly.
"How's Liam?" Zayn asks softly. To her credit, the corners of Niall's lips just turn slightly downward before she answers.
"He's alright, I think. Dealing with some of his own baggage, but mums the word with him. He spent a lot of time in my room this week, but we didn't really talk much."
Zayn's eyes widen and a slight twist in the pit of his stomach forces out his next question.
"Oh," he mumbles, "You two are - ?" Niall's eyes shoot daggers at him.
"Don't be a dick, Zayn, of course not."
He nods, ignoring the fact that his stomach untwists at her words.
"Right, sorry."
--
At the security desk, Niall hands her ID to the desk attendant, flashing him a beautiful smile that he returns reluctantly. Zayn thinks the attendants here enjoy being miserable and he realizes with a jolt that he's missed them anyway.
--
On the way to the elevators, they pass one of Zayn's friends from his first year at Columbia and she practically squeals when she sees him, an almost comical frown gracing her lips.
"Oh Zayn," she, Allison, says, voice higher than what's comfortable.
"Hey babe," he says lightly, shooting her a grin that makes her giggle. She kind of nods at Niall, who nods back tersely, the traditional greeting exchanged by Columbia and Barnard girls.
"Oh but what happened?" she asks dolefully. This time Zayn anticipates the question.
"Nothing, babes, just took a nasty fall. I'll be good as new in no time," he says, proud that he's kept his voice casual and easy.
"Oh poor baby," she whines slightly, and Niall actually snickers behind her hand. Allison sends Niall a glare and Zayn rolls his eyes at her.
Luckily the elevator arrives just then and Zayn is spared a cat fight.
"You're an ass Niall," Zayn says, when they're safely behind the closed doors. Niall grins at him wickedly, and she's not sorry at all.
"Oh baby," she practically moans, trying to fake the American accent. "I love you so much because you have an accent and nice hair. Tell me again how much you like drinking tea."
--
The room feels different when they enter it, brighter maybe, and a bit musty, even though they haven't really been gone all that long. It's because he's different he decides, stronger despite his injuries. He feels the sides of his mouth turn up slightly.
Niall helps him lay out on the bed, limbs aching with a satisfied tiredness. She slips into the space between him and the wall and nestles in against him and he breathes in the scent of her shampoo and sighs, content. When she turns up to face him, though, there's a slight furrow in her brow but she simply closes her eyes after a moment and nuzzles closer.
And just like that she's posed the question. It settles in between them, a weight against Zayn's chest that has his mouth going dry.
"Niall," he protests softly. He feels her shake her head against him. He sighs louder this time. "Don't tell Harry and Louis ok?" When he's sure she's nodded against him, he continues reluctantly, the words feeling rough and uncomfortable in his mouth. "He saw me skyping with Harry and he got jealous," Zayn forces out. "He thought I was seeing someone here. He thought I was being unfaithful. And I was," the last part slips out of his subconscious before he even realizes what it means, and suddenly he's speaking quickly, thoughts flooding in faster than he can let them out. "Maybe not Harry but - Liam and I - I wasn't exactly. I mean."
"Zayn you didn't - You were drunk and - you didn't even - nothing happened," Niall says and she's fiercely angry all of a sudden, Irish accent coming on thick, eyes blazing as she fixes them on him. "And you didn't deserve to get beaten up for what happened for fuck's sake. Even if you made a mistake Zayn - you deserved better. He's bloody - " she cuts off as the door opens and Harry and Louis' laughter pours in along with the smell of Thai food.
"Niall -" Zayn says warningly, but he needn't worry, because Niall is already up, following her nose and the rumble of her stomach. When she's found her carton she shoots one last stern look back at Zayn before unwrapping her chopsticks with her teeth.
Harry takes her place in the sliver of bed remaining, carefully avoiding his cast, balancing a carton and a pair of chopsticks.
"Got your favorite," Harry says, grinning proudly. "Louis didn't remember, the tosser, but I did," he opens the carton for Zayn who accepts it gratefully, the smell of pad kee mao awakening his hunger. Harry settles in against his shoulder, occasionally opening his mouth for bites.
Louis pulls Niall down into his lap and proceeds to try and steal food from over her shoulder. She grumbles and manuvers herself gracefully, blocking his attempts.
"Niall," he whines petulantly, but she just shrugs nonchalantly, closing her eyes to savor the taste of her curry.
Zayn chuckles at the sight and Harry's burying a smile in his shoulder that he knows takes up half of Harry's face, but - there's a voice missing. The chords they're playing now lack the distinct temor of a bass and Zayn knows everyone can feel it. He tries to focus on his food.
--
As Niall and Harry are about to leave, Zayn pulls Louis aside.
"I can go back with Niall," he says softly, "Or were you planning on going back with Harry?" Louis looks away.
"I think I'm going to stay in tonight. Don't want you to have to walk all the way, and John Jay is going to be so bloody hot."
Zayn opens his mouth and closes it a few times.
"What the fuck is wrong with you Louis?"
Louis rolls his eyes.
"Nothing."
"Louis -" Zayn says warningly.
"Fine. It's just that. Your nightmares. You haven't slept alone since that first night. I don't want -"
"Oh for fuckssake Lou - "
"Just a few more nights, I swear. And then I go back to sexing up my young beautiful boyfriend. Ok?"
Zayn hates himself for laughing but he can't help it.
"Alright, but just so we're clear, I'm fine."
"Of course you are love, of course you are."
--
When Zayn wakes up drenched in a cold sweat, his breathing heavy and a dull pain seeping through his chest, Louis is already in bed with him, holding him tightly and whispering soothing things into his ear.
"Fuck," Zayn gasps, hot tears of frustration threatening to spill over. ("Say it. You're my whore.")
"Hey, it's alright," Louis says and his voice is reassuringly calm, lulling Zayn back to sleepiness. "You're fine. It'll get better soon."
Zayn just clutches at him and tries to breathe in deep to calm his racing heart.
--
Zayn is already pissed off when Louis lets himself back into the dorm room. He's been trying to unpack and put things back in order, and he's been on hold with customer service about his laptop for at least an hour and he's about had it. He can only hobble around on one foot and with his ribs he can hardly pick up anything. He's hot even though he's only wearing shorts and Columbia hasn't turned on their damn air conditioning yet.
And now Louis's staring at him, eying the bandages and the bruises with an unreadable expression.
"What?" Zayn snaps.
"I - nothing," Louis says, coming back to himself. "You said you wouldn't be here." Zayn rolls his eyes. He had meant to go to the library an hour ago.
"Yeah, I know, but I got held up. Did you mean to bring Harry back?"
"No I - Well, I told Liam he could meet me here after his meeting so we could get lunch."
Oh. Zayn sighs tiredly.
"When's his meeting get done?" Zayn asks, resigned. Louis checks his watch.
"Forty minutes or so?"
"Alright, I'll be gone by then."
Louis nods but he's giving Zayn a look that makes Zayn groan exasperatedly.
"Listen, if you want to have a good time at lunch you'll agree that this isn't the moment. Alright?"
"Fine," he says contritely. "Gonna shower."
--
When Liam shows up twenty minutes later, Zayn is still there. Shirtless.
"I hope you're not naked in here," is the only warning Liam gives before he opens the door. Zayn freezes, watches as the grin in Liam's eyes drains, replaced by shock as he takes in the state of Zayn's body.
"What the fuck happened?" Liam growls, and his voice is low and dangerous sounding. Zayn's palms are sweating and he can't move, can't form words. "Zayn." And his name is a warning on Liam's tongue.
"I -. George. He got mad and -" Zayn mumbles, breaks off as Liam's eyes flash and his entire face darkens. Zayn sees his hands clench into fists at his side and for a split second Zayn wonders what they would feel like pressing bruises against his skin.
"I'll kill him," Liam snarls. "I'll fucking murder the bastard, I swear to God -"
At that moment Louis bursts out of the bathroom, towel thrown low around his waist. There's still soap in his ear.
"Liam -" Louis' voice is a forced calm but Liam rounds on him, glaring.
"You knew," he accuses, and there's a sharp sting to his words, "You knew this would happen and you let him go anyway, how could you?" Louis shrinks into himself like Liam's actually knocked him back, gaze dropping to the floor.
"Liam," Zayn admonishes sternly, finding his voice in Louis' hurt look. "That was out of line."
And just like that the anger drains from Liam's face, his fists unclench, and he deflates.
"I'm sorry," he says faintly. He takes in Zayn's condition once more. "Shit you must be tired, here." He moves a chair towards Zayn, and Zayn falls into it carefully, Louis' hand steadying him.
"I'll just give you two a few minutes," Louis says, looking at Zayn who nods. Liam shoots him a grateful smile and Louis smiles back at him then, pulls him into a bear hug. "Missed you so much." He whispers roughly into Liam's ear and Zayn sees Liam's strong arms tighten around Louis a little more.
When Louis's dressed and gone Liam sits on the bed across from Zayn, careful to avoid any physical contact.
"How bad is it?" Liam asks, and his voice is calm now, laced with simple apology and concern and Zayn thinks idly that his anger is so different than - than what Zayn is used to.
"Just a sprain, and a few broken ribs."
"Oh," Liam says, smiling a half smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "S'not too bad then. Had a sprain my junior year of high school. Whined like a girl when they wouldn't let me wrestle in the finals, but at least I didn't have to deal with physical therapy. Shame about the broken ribs though, hear they hurt like a mother."
Zayn laughs, grimacing when it sets off the pain, and Liam makes a face in sympathy.
"Where are your pain meds?" Liam asks, getting up.
"Top of the dresser," Zayn says, pointing. "How was your break?" he asks, (anything to keep him from thinking about George) as Liam busies himself getting water and the small bottle.
"It was - it was really good," Liam says, but his voice has gone all quiet like. Zayn raises an eyebrow. "You uh - you inspired me. I called my sister." He sits back down across from Zayn and hands him the glass of water and his medication. When he notices Zayn still looks confused he continues. "For the first time in almost three years." Zayn's eyes go wide.
"Liam!"
He just sort of shrugs, averting his eyes. Zayn doesn't know what to say. Talking to Liam about his family feels strangely intimate and he doesn't know where Liam wants to draw the line.
"Well...how'd it go?"
"She was really glad to hear my voice," Liam admits, and he's smiling shyly. "She cried a bit," he laughs sheepishly. Zayn grins and rolls his eyes playfully.
"Girls," he says, mock exasperatedly.
"Girls," Liam agrees. He's smiling so hard now his eyes are scrunched up and Zayn's missed that almost painfully. "I miss her so much." he says quietly, his voice becoming serious again.
"I don't understand, Li -" Zayn says, trying to keep his voice equally soft, hoping to soothe Liam into answers, but Liam remains mysterious.
"I know," Liam sighs and he seems a bit frustrated with himself, "I'm sorry. I'm just - I'll tell you soon ok?"
Zayn nods, wants to reach out to him but just settles for smiling at him reassuringly.
"S'ok, I get it. Don't worry about it."
Liam's attention wanders around the room for a moment, then he sighs.
"So this -" he makes a vague gesture towards Zayn. "Are you - Are you holding up ok?"
"Yeah," Zayn nods. "I guess I am. Being back helps. The distance, the change in scenery. He was never here, you know? He was never really part of the life I have here. Makes me feel like I can move on."
"So it's over then?" he asks, voice carefully neutral.
"Feels like it, yeah. It was different this time. What - what happened," and Zayn shudders as the memory comes back, but Liam's smiling encouragingly and it feels - ok to talk to him about it. Feels natural. "Before he'd - he'd cause me pain and then paint over it with love, affection and. But this time. When I close my eyes. I just feel the monster in him."
"You're far away from him now. Really really far."
Zayn looks up at Liam, unclenches his hands slightly.
"Yeah," he breathes out. "Yeah, I guess I am."
--
The dining halls reopen that night and the five of them crowd in together around a small table. There's noise all around them and they can barely hear themselves think so they don't talk much, communicate in small familiar gestures and push food into each other's plates. It feels good and Zayn forgets about the crutches under his seat and thinks instead about the warm bodies next to him and the crappy food he's eating.
Once, when Niall, Harry and Louis are occupied in themselves, Liam leans close into Zayn.
"I missed you," he whispers into Zayn's ear. Zayn pulls back to look Liam in the eye and the other boy blushes slightly like he does when Louis tells a particularily crass joke. He doesn't look away, though. His gaze is open and honest with affection and Zayn wants to smile back but it's shaky from the butterflies in his stomach. Liam knows somehow though, and his grin just widens until he looks like a crazy person with his usual crinkly eyed smile.
--
On Monday Louis goes with him to see the sophomore class dean. He's carrying a thick folder with him but Zayn doesn't think to ask about its contents until Louis starts pulling from it medical records and doctor's referrals. Zayn can only sit there and stare at him wide-eyed as he talks to the woman about student insurance and follow up care.
In the end, Zayn only nods dumbly as the Dean explains to him the resources he has available here ("Ten free therapy sessions, the doctors on staff are incredible" and "go to Columbia Pres in six weeks with your records and they'll remove your cast for you. It's all covered") and that he'll be exempt from classes for a week ("I'll have a chat with your professors, don't you worry") before he's being handed his crutches.
"You were great in there," Zayn says as soon as they've left the office. Louis shrugs.
"I don't know. You had a lot to deal with and - Mum helped."
"I owe you one," Zayn says quietly. "Owe you more than that actually."
Louis shakes his head.
"Zayn -" But Zayn reaches out to him, stops him in the middle of the sidewalk. They face each other and they're almost exactly the same height, and Zayn smiles at him, draws him closer.
"Thank you, Louis," he says, grinning a bit foolishly when Louis blushes.
"You're a sap," Louis grins back.
--
Just when Zayn is about to go insane from hunger Harry lets himself in balancing two plates of pasta from Ferris. Zayn could almost kiss him.
"God, I thought I was going to starve," he says with relief, "But I just couldn't bring myself to make the trek to John Jay. You're a lifesaver."
"You only love me for the food I bring," Harry whines, voice childlike.
"And your curls, Haz, don't forget."
Harry laughs heartily.
"Dick," he says, with little bite, bringing the food over to Zayn. Despite Zayn's hunger, he sets the plate down and pulls Harry into him. The other boy is taller than him so it's a bit awkward, but Zayn pushes a hand through Harry's curls and Harry sighs contently, shifts so he can put his head in Zayn's lap and nose into the sliver of exposed skin above Zayn's hip.
When Harry begins to purr Zayn laughs out loud.
"You're an absolute whore for this, you know that?"
Harry makes a noise of disagreement.
"M'not a whore. M'Louis'. Just like having my head scratched," he murmurs sleepily.
--
"Go spend the night with Harry."
"Hello to you too," Louis mutters, closing the door behind him and sinking to the floor in front of it with a thud. He looks exhausted.
"Hello Louis," Zayn rolls his eyes. "And now goodbye."
Louis cracks an eye open to stare at him suspiciously.
"You knew I'd be weak and vulnerable after a long rehearsal. This is a low blow, Malik."
"S'not a punishment you twat. I haven't dreamt about - I haven't dreamt in 3 days. And Harry's starting to hate me I'm sure of it."
Louis sighs.
"Fine. But if you need anything -"
"I certainly won't be calling you. Now get out." Louis gets up heavily off the floor, drops his bag on his desk and leans down into Zayn's bed to kiss him on the forehead.
"I mean it Zayner, you need anything, you call me."
"And interrupt your passionate lovemaking? I'll call Niall." Louis blushes, mumbles something under his breath. "What?"
"We're not having sex," Louis says a bit louder. He's still blushing. Zayn's eyes widen but he shrugs it off.
"Oral, Anal, it's the same happy ending."
Louis manages to glower and blush at the same time.
"I want to hit you," he muses. Zayn smiles at him, angelic.
"You'll thank me later."
At this, Louis smiles his Harry smile. It's tired but it's the reaction Zayn had been expecting.
"Probably," he agrees good-naturedly, ruffling Zayn's hair before grabbing his bag and heading out.
"A gentleman always swallows," Zayn calls out. Louis manages to flip him the bird before the door shuts behind him.
--
He wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to scream. He had thought that he was done hearing George's voice, feeling George's fists. He just wanted it to be over. He gasps, trying to slow his breathing. Closes his eyes but images are back, as clear as if they'd been painted on the back of his eyelids. They fly open again. He reaches for his phone, checks the time. Two fifteen am. He finds himself wishing he'd bought a pack of cigarettes the other day - fuck, but if they could stop the shaking of his hands -
He tells himself it's because he doesn't want to wake Niall, but his fingers are already searching for Liam's number before he can get his thoughts together.
"Zayn?" His voice isn't groggy with sleep so Zayn pushes the guilt away and lets the warmth flow over him.
"Liam. Are you - Can I -?"
"You're fine," Liam interrupts soothingly. "Just tell me what you need."
"I just. I can't sleep," Zayn mumbles. With the reality Liam's voice has brought, Zayn's starting to feel silly.
"I can - I could come over if you want." But Zayn can hear the hesitancy in his voice.
"No just. Just talk to me. About anything."
"What do you want to talk about?" the smoothness returns and Zayn lets his guard down again, coaxes the sleepiness back.
"Tell me about your sister," Zayn asks, hoping he hasn't overstepped. He knows he's done something right, though, when he hears Liam smile through the phone.
"Um. Well. She's two years younger than me. Dark brown hair, a bit shorter than me, beautiful. She's got a laugh that's so loud it sounds fake, kind of like Niall's but less Irish, obviously -"
"What's her name, Liam?" Zayn asks patiently, he's drowsy but trying to hang on to every word, wants to know more.
"Oh," he chuckles. "Charlotte, sorry. No one really calls her that except our parents. She's Char to me. Or Cher, if I want something," he laughs again, and yeah, Zayn could get used to this really fast. Too fast. He swallows, shuts his eyes, wincing as George's face comes into focus and the cold sweat returns. Zayn relishes in the familiar sting for a moment.
"Zayn?"
"M'here," he mumbles. He focuses on a spot above him, willing his body to slip into sleep almost by accident, tries to focus on his eyelids growing heavy and his breathing becoming deep.
"Right, sorry. So Char," Liam's voice is quiet and unhurried and it works like a charm. Zayn feels sleep creeping in slowly. (He prays its dreamless.) "We never used to get along when I was younger. She was always the stuck up brat that did everything right and I was always getting into trouble because of it -"
--
Niall walks in without ceremony and dumps a few large grocery bags on the table, proceeding to stock up their normally empty fridge. Zayn raises an eyebrow.
"Harry said something?"
She's whistling a tune Zayn can't recognize and only when she gets to the end of the phrase does she answer.
"Harry told Lou, Lou offered to edit my history paper."
Zayn makes a move to help her but she waves a hand in his general direction.
"Stay," she sticks her tongue out a bit as she examines the jar in hand. "Does peanut butter need to be refrigerated you think?"
--
"You've gone mental," Zayn says incredulously. "How am I supposed to get there? They don't exactly make attics handicap friendly."
Harry and Louis look up from where Louis is sitting on Harry's lap.
"Don't be dull," Louis chides. "There's an elevator until the fifth floor and then like, fifteen steps to the attic. You'll be fine." Harry kisses his neck. "We'll have Liam carry you." Louis says, smirking at his boyfriend. Harry kisses the smirk off his face soundly as Niall sends him a severe look.
"C'mon Zayner," she says. "Liam's already waiting to let us in and we -"
"You want me to come now?" Zayn interrupts, looking down at his worn sweats and ratty white beater. It's Harry who convinces him in the end. He pulls away from Louis to ruffle up his hair, unstyled and soft over his forehead.
"Trust us, Zayn. We're family."
--
They make their way to the Kent Hall slowly but surely. Zayn popped two pain killers before they left but he still feels achy and tired. The others oblige his slow pace without question and it is nice to finally get out of their room. The night feels big and bold, vast enough that their soft murmurs can't disturb it. They pass lovers on Low steps and mates smoking in alcoves and Zayn's hands itch but he resists, chewed nails picking at the padding of his crutches.
Liam opens the door for them hurriedly, sticking his neck out in all directions to sweep for guards, before slotting the door open a bit more and whispering in an anxious voice.
"C'mon," he murmurs. "Get in."
Louis rolls his eyes at Niall.
"Hello Liam!" he nearly shouts, voice echoing in the empty halls. "How are you?!"
"Oh for fucks' sake," Liam grumbles.
They take the elevator up to the fifth floor and then Zayn hands his crutches off to Niall and uses Harry and Liam instead to get up the last flight of stairs. The combined power of attic heat and nerves is making them sweat and they move slowly, Harry mumbling small encouragements the entire way.
When they finally get to the top Zayn wants to collapse right there, but he hobbles over to the set of candles that have been laid out. There's a pillow and one of those meditation chairs, probably nicked from Dodge, set up for him already and Zayn raises his eyebrows in surprise as he lowers himself down and tries to get comfortable.
"Thought of everything, didn't you," Zayn asks, directing the question at Niall. She's sitting with her legs spread at an almost obtuse angle, wetting a dutch with religious care, but she manages to shake her head.
"Don't look at me," she says between licks. "Was Liam."
Liam's cheeks are shaded pink and he fiddles with the edge of Louis' guitar until Harry slaps his hand away and shoves him closer to Zayn so he can sit between them.
"Ahem," Louis says purposefully, trying to kick Liam from across Harry. Harry takes over the job and Liam has to duck out of the way with a glare.
"Right, fine," he says when he's re-situated himself. "We're ah - we're going to try something a bit different tonight. Just. Sit back and enjoy? I hope." He clears his throat and then Louis starts to play, strumming the strings to his guitar lightly, before setting up a steady rhythm of chords. Niall hands Zayn the unlit blunt and stands, folding and unfolding her body in a series of stretches and it doesn't feel any different, feels achingly familiar, in fact, but then Liam's singing, singing.
"I can't win, I can't reign, I will never win this game, without you. Without you." Liam raises his eyes shyly to look at Zayn, and Zayn draws a sharp intake of breath, the blunt dangling forgotten between his fingertips. "I am lost, I am vain, I will never be the same, without you. Without you."
His voice is not simply shower worthy, Zayn knows from the start. It warms him to the bone and Zayn feels his heart trip with every shake and swell with every riff.
"I can't rest, I can't fight. All I need is you and I, without you. WIthout you." And suddenly a smile is coloring his voice and he and Harry exchange glances, their eyes grinning. Harry begins to lay down a beat, his beat-boxing clumsy, his dimples deep.
When Liam turns back to Zayn there's a smile for him too and Zayn feels his cheeks warm. He turns his focus to Niall instead. Her movements carry more precision than they usually do and Zayn realizes she's choreographed this routine, her body finding the pattern of steps in a way only practice can bring. Louis adds his voice to the chorus, a third above Liam, and their voices blend, a contrast of warm and rough. Liam's singing to Zayn but Louis's singing to Harry and Harry stumbles on the upbeat, hiding his eyes in his hair.
"I will never be the same. Without you. Without you. Without you."
Louis and Harry cheer wildly and Niall collapses into Liam's lap to wrap her sweaty arms around his neck and Zayn slumps against the chair, heart beat slowing.
"Well?" Louis prompts. "C'mon Zayner, we've been working on this for ages, least you can do is give us a smile."
Zayn rolls his eyes but he does smile (after the shock has run its course), ignoring Louis to settle his eyes on Liam.
"That was brilliant," he breathes, "You were brilliant."
Liam buries his face in Niall's hair but Zayn can make out the blush creeping to the back of his neck, even in the low light.
"Thanks man," he mumbles.
"I didn't know you could sing."
"I did," Louis says boastfully, and Harry shoves him slightly.
"What?" Zayn wonders if Liam's surprises will ever stop.
"I um. I used to put out youtube videos. Louis found my cover of Michael Bublé and recognized me."
"Listened to that cover over and over again," Louis says wistfully. "Best one out there, if you ask me. Until you took it down."
Liam shrugs and looks away.
"Wasn't that good."
Louis snorts derisively but Zayn shoves at Louis roughly, waits until Liam turns to him, eyes questioning.
"If today's performance was anything to go off of, I'm sure it was perfect."
There is a chorus of aww and Za-ayn that follows, until Niall interrupts them.
"Oi, Zayn, where the weed at?" Zayn offers the dutch to her, still a bit dazed from their performance, but she shakes her head, leads his hand to tuck it between his lips and offers him a light instead. "You first, it's your homecoming after all." He inhales the sweet smoke deeply, relishing in the slight sting against his throat.
"Louis came home too, why aren't we celebrating him?" he asks after he's passed the blunt on to Louis.
"They love you more," Louis complains, pouting until it interferes with his hit. Niall moves off Liam's lap to settle into Louis' for a cuddle, stealing the dutch when he's done.
"S'not true," she tells Zayn, "The main problem was that it was mostly Li's idea but partially Harry's too and we know it's physically impossible for him to keep anything from Lou so -"
Harry lets out an embarrassed laugh at that, covers his face with one large hand. But Louis shifts Niall slightly so he can cup Harry's chin and pull him closer. Zayn thinks he hears the floorboards rattle with their collective groan when Louis dips his head for a snog.
--
They've found a nook in Butler all to themselves, a rare occurrence and a cause for lighter moods - even though Zayn feels overwhelmed with work. He sits in a cushioned chair, pencil in mouth, bad leg stretched out on a spare chair across the table. Niall's curled up in what should be an extremely uncomfortable position on the sofa, book in hand, teeth making a wreck of her bottom lip. Liam taps a fickle rhythm on the table with the highlighter in hand.
They've lost Louis and Harry to tech week for Varsity Show. Opening night is this Friday and their room has been tense and strained for a few days now. Louis rarely sleeps, runs on coffee and adrenaline nowadays, and he's tetchier than usual. Zayn can normally handle it, is used to handling Louis at all moments, but his own pain gnaws at his patience, makes him less forgiving.
He's run away to the library for the time being.
"Hey," Liam says, tossing a pen cap at Zayn that jars him from his thoughts. Zayn tries to glare at him but it's half hearted, and he takes the proffered water bottle and digs around his bag for his pills. "Good boy," Liam teases gently.
Zayn does manage to glare at him this time. He opens his mouth to retort but Niall cuts in.
"At least he remembers, Zayner," she interjects lazily, not even bothering to look up from her book. Zayn rolls his eyes.
When his limbs become intolerably sore, he sighs, defeated, and begins to pack his things. Liam caps his highlighter almost immediately but Niall stays put.
"Gonna stay," she says distractedly. "Hafta finish this damn book by tonight or I'll never hand in my paper on time."
"Should I bring you some coffee?" Liam offers. Niall wrinkles her nose.
"No, I hate the bloody coffee they have here," she shakes her head vehemently. "I'll pass."
Zayn shrugs at Liam and they leave her to it, making their way out as slowly and as noiselessly as possible. (A few people look up to glare at them anyway.)
In the elevator, Liam's quiet, puling at the threads of Zayn's tattered messenger bag.
"Oi," Zayn chides gently. "What's wrong?" Liam stills his hands but remains quiet. "Li?"
Liam sighs, looks up at him finally.
"M'so tired," he says finally, swaying slightly on his feet with the words. "Had a late night last night with the guys from the team."
"Do you have a lot due tomorrow?" Zayn asks, wondering whether Liam will shrug him off if he squeezes his arm in sympathy. Liam's stillcareful to avoid touching him unless absolutely necessary. Zayn's not sure why it's so painfully obvious.
"No but. I should get ahead on some of my work for next week," Liam mumbles, fighting back a yawn. Zayn rolls his eyes affectionately. Sleepy Liam is a Liam he rather enjoys, he's decided.
"Come back to my place and I'll fix you some coffee yeah? Least I can do for, you know -" he gestures at where his bag as made a home on Liam's shoulder for the past few days.
"Yeah," Liam says, smiling slightly. "Yeah, sounds good."
--
"Do you need help?" Liam asks when Zayn moves towards the coffee pot, resting his crutches against the countertop.
"Nah, I've got it. Gotten quite good at doing this one-legged. Been fixing up about ten cups of coffee a day for Louis."
Liam laughs a little and nods, dropping comfortably into Zayn's bed and pulling the blankets around him.
"Miss the two of them," Liam remarks softly, and Zayn smiles at his tone. "We're gonna go see their show right? Let's buy them flowers."
"Yeah I've been wondering about that. Should we do opening night or closing night you think?"
"Hmm," Liam hums, and Zayn has his back turned to him but he's sure he can draw the expression on Liam's face. "Closing night? They've got a kick ass party they throw afterwards every year, so we can crash that too. Will you be able to manage?"
Zayn shrugs. He hasn't been out since he got back and he's not sure how easy it would be to navigate on crutches an apartment full of drunk kids.
"M'not sure that's a good idea," he decides after a moment.
"I'll take care of you," Liam says around a yawn, burrowing deeper in Zayn's pillow. Zayn doesn't respond, just turns on his Ed Sheeran playlist and washes out a mug in the sink. Liam joins in after a moment, voice confidently catching harmonies around the main line and Zayn's smile widens as a thought occurs to him. He listens until Liam's voice goes slightly flat and then fades completely.
"So that was what Michael Bublé at karaoke was about then?" he asks, marveling at Louis' scheming prowess. When he doesn't get an answer right away he turns from the sink. "Liam?" He finds Liam sleeping soundly, hands clutched in Zayn's duvet, mouth slightly open. He muffles a laugh with one hand and then sets the coffee in the fridge and pulls out the book he needs to finish.
--
Louis finds him reading that same book a while later.
"Coffee's in the fridge if you need, I just made it," Zayn says, not looking up from the text. But then Louis makes a muffled noise and Zayn's head jerks up in surprise.
"Lou?"
"Sorry I was just surprised to find Liam in your bed," Louis says, eyes wide, voice only half joking. "He's not naked under there is he?" That's a full on joke though and Zayn's eyes narrow.
"Fuck off Louis," he hisses, trying to keep his voice down so as to avoid waking up Liam. "It's not funny. I don't understand how you lot can encourage him like that, especially you." His words are borderline nasty now, but he's mad, alright? And he damn well has a right to be.
"Why not?" Louis asks innocently, eyes comically wide. Zayn's in no mood for a laugh though.
"After Ge-George," he forces himself to say his name,"and - all that's happened. You know I'm not good enough for him."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Louis asks with a growl and suddenly he too is fighting to keep his voice to an angry whisper.
"What do you mean, what's it supposed to mean? He's Liam he's perfect, he deserves so much better than -" and Zayn's whispering too but there's a sting to his words anyway. Zayn's just not sure to whom it's directed.
"And why is it you don't deserve just as much?" Louis looks dangerous now, he's gripping the edge of an unoccupied chair so hard the blood has fled his hands and his eyes flash with emotion. Zayn opens and closes his mouth a few times, but Louis' not letting this go and Zayn sighs, deflates.
"I practically cheated on my last boyfriend," Zayn says in defeat, "I made him so mad he wanted to beat the shit out of me and -"
"Shut up," shouts Louis. Finally, the dam breaks. Liam stirs.
"Lou -" Zayn whispers hastily, wishing instantly that he hadn't said anything.
"No. I don't want to hear it."
Zayn winces away from the words, and the anger they carry. Liam sits up slowly.
"Lou?" he murmurs sleepily, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "S'the matter Lou?"
"Ask Zayn," and each word's got a bite.
"No," Zayn whispers, but the defiance has flown out. "C'mon Louis, let's drop it. I'm sorry I said anything -"
Louis throws his hands up, movements choppy.
"Fuck this. Just. Fucking - I can't." He turns on his heel, slamming the door behind him.
Zayn blinks hastily, swiping at unshed tears.
"Zayn?" Liam asks, getting out of bed and reaching for him. His hands stop short though and he pulls them back quickly. "C'mon Zayn what happened?"
"Why won't you touch me?" Zayn asks abruptly instead. Liam blanches.
"Zayn -"
"No. Tell me. I want to know," Zayn demands, even though he's almost positive he doesn't. Liam sighs, averts his eyes.
"I didn't want you to - I know you must know how I feel about you," Liam responds reluctantly after a moment. He's blushing now and fidgeting with the class ring he wears, turning it over and over. Zayn softens, regrets the question immediately but the apology gets stuck in the back of his throat. "I didn't want you to feel pressured and. It's easier for me. Being with you this way. I'm sorry."
"Yeah," Zayn says heavily, exhaustion and aches setting in, letting the pressure seep back in to replace the lull his pain meds afford him. Suddenly he doesn't want to deal with this anymore, either. "Yeah," he says again. Liam looks desperately unhappy but the tiredness clouds Zayn's judgement, making him fuzzy and clumsy. He can't gather anything to say.
"I'll go," Liam mumbes finally. A thick horrible silence hangs over them as he gathers his things quickly and Zayn closes his eyes, bites his tongue against the stay, Liam i'm sorry.
Liam leaves without another word, though, and Zayn lets him.
--
Zayn wakes up in the middle of the night several times, hoping to find Louis' warm body next to his. Each time his bed remains cold against him and he falls back into a tiring sleep.