What hurts the most....
Last night i had a dream that my brother was going to get married. even though i don't agree with who he was marrying, i was still there for him. in this dream it was like old times again.. my bro and i were joking around and just chillin. I was so sad when i woke up.. mostly because i know that things are nothing like they are in my dreams.
for most of my life all ive wanted to do was to get to know my family. I was so happy 2 summers ago when i said that i had gotten to know my biological family. turns out... i didnt really know them at all.
I thought it was the coolest thing to have an older sister.. and I love her children so much... i love all my nieces and nephews, but i adored crystal. for a while it was like she was my little girl. I know that sounds weird, but you have to see.. when crystal was sick, i was the one at the hospital worrying about her and holding her trying to make her stop crying. she was crying because she was in so much pain... it wasnt her mother there. And many times, i was the one who had to lie and say that i was her mother just so she could get treated. and then amy (my sister) just took the girls and moved to tennessee. she didnt think about anyone elses feelings in the matter. I feel bad for the girls... I dont want them to end up like their brothers. I thought for a long time that maybe if i had some influence in their lives they might have some chance at a rewarding future. Im not saying that Amy isnt capable of raising her own kids, Im saying that I could be a help when it comes to making sure they get to school or making sure that they have someone telling them that they can be anything they want to be and to follow their dreams no matter what. it isnt about where youre from... but where you are going. anyway... im straying off subject. thats how my sisters and my relationship ended up.
Now my brother ruben.. he was my best friend for a while. I was so happy when i got to know him. out of all my brothers and sisters, ruben was the one that i thought we would not only be siblings but friends. we are so alike and that surprised the hell out of me because he had no influence in my life when i was growing up. Many people said when they met me " you can tell she's rub's little sister." Ruben was cool as hell. but then he fell in love. And the woman he was with just didnt mesh well with the rest of the family. And i make one fucking mistake with her and im forever out of the picture. I honestly thought that NOTHING could ever break mine and rubens relationship.. but i was wrong. Damn was i ever wrong. I miss my brother so much. I once asked him to walk me down the aisle when i get married. he said yes.. but now he wont even look at me. i dont think its going to be him walking with me on that special day.. and that hurts me so bad. Damn it.. i promissed myself that i wouldnt cry while writing this. so much for that. im not asking for a pity party.. i just need to get this shit off my chest.. im sorry if i offended anyone with this entry.. if i did.. please dont tell me ... just deal with it... i cant handle anymore bull shit in my life. i have enough on my mind without worring whos feelings ive hurt. This sucks... and its not fair... but i guess ill have to deal with the fact that my family always has let me down and things dont ever change.. Rub, if you read this.. i just want to let you know im sorry for hating dawn.. but u cant change the way i feel about her and obviously i cant change your feelings for her.. i never ment to ruin our relationship.. I miss you. sorry again....
Fin
Christina
for most of my life all ive wanted to do was to get to know my family. I was so happy 2 summers ago when i said that i had gotten to know my biological family. turns out... i didnt really know them at all.
I thought it was the coolest thing to have an older sister.. and I love her children so much... i love all my nieces and nephews, but i adored crystal. for a while it was like she was my little girl. I know that sounds weird, but you have to see.. when crystal was sick, i was the one at the hospital worrying about her and holding her trying to make her stop crying. she was crying because she was in so much pain... it wasnt her mother there. And many times, i was the one who had to lie and say that i was her mother just so she could get treated. and then amy (my sister) just took the girls and moved to tennessee. she didnt think about anyone elses feelings in the matter. I feel bad for the girls... I dont want them to end up like their brothers. I thought for a long time that maybe if i had some influence in their lives they might have some chance at a rewarding future. Im not saying that Amy isnt capable of raising her own kids, Im saying that I could be a help when it comes to making sure they get to school or making sure that they have someone telling them that they can be anything they want to be and to follow their dreams no matter what. it isnt about where youre from... but where you are going. anyway... im straying off subject. thats how my sisters and my relationship ended up.
Now my brother ruben.. he was my best friend for a while. I was so happy when i got to know him. out of all my brothers and sisters, ruben was the one that i thought we would not only be siblings but friends. we are so alike and that surprised the hell out of me because he had no influence in my life when i was growing up. Many people said when they met me " you can tell she's rub's little sister." Ruben was cool as hell. but then he fell in love. And the woman he was with just didnt mesh well with the rest of the family. And i make one fucking mistake with her and im forever out of the picture. I honestly thought that NOTHING could ever break mine and rubens relationship.. but i was wrong. Damn was i ever wrong. I miss my brother so much. I once asked him to walk me down the aisle when i get married. he said yes.. but now he wont even look at me. i dont think its going to be him walking with me on that special day.. and that hurts me so bad. Damn it.. i promissed myself that i wouldnt cry while writing this. so much for that. im not asking for a pity party.. i just need to get this shit off my chest.. im sorry if i offended anyone with this entry.. if i did.. please dont tell me ... just deal with it... i cant handle anymore bull shit in my life. i have enough on my mind without worring whos feelings ive hurt. This sucks... and its not fair... but i guess ill have to deal with the fact that my family always has let me down and things dont ever change.. Rub, if you read this.. i just want to let you know im sorry for hating dawn.. but u cant change the way i feel about her and obviously i cant change your feelings for her.. i never ment to ruin our relationship.. I miss you. sorry again....
Fin
Christina