(no subject)
know why i liked that guy? he wasnt special. cute mabie...but not special. but he held my hand...and told me things would be okay. he held me close to himself. and hugged me tight...like he wouldnt let go. he caught me before i fell. he swept me off my feet...and he wiped away my tears when i thought all was lost. it felt good...and for 5 days i was truly happy. and then he went back home and i came back to reality. thats whats up about him, too. he wants whats in his fantasy, but his fantansy girl doesnt have a pesonality. but mine wasnt a fantasy...it was a...hope. now a dream. it's not real though...it won't ever happen. i guess it is a fantasy. only in a utopia would someone actually be able to give me all that i was looking for...and be...*sigh* this is gonna sound harsh...i came out of my shell. didnt want to for this reason...getting hurt. you know what, though? shit happens. life isnt always peachy. just a stupid girl with a stupid dream! i know it will never happen...but you gotta hope when you have nothin else. i just want a chance. if he got what he wanted he would be bored with it. but he never will...so why is everything else not good enough? he makes me happy when no one else does... but why? when i know i dont add up to the expectations he has set? i never will...and knowing that... fuckin sucks! i want to be something to someone. someone i know cares. someone who'll be there. they used to be my best friend...and now look...half the time i cant stand to be in the same room with them. why? where did that go so wrong?? they used to be the only one i could count on...who hates the person that always had their back...even though everyone else told them to give up on you...and they didn't. boy...you got the full scoop now...the one where you see that the tough bitch on the outside only exists in my dreams. and it's only there to void off anyone knowing what's actually going on...a messed up kid...that wants someone to love them! yea it's great...it will be my falling. i've been here before. and it got better. bc someone decided to invite his buddy over. every defence i ever had crumbled because i only wanted to know him...and he doesnt even care. so now i have to build it back, but i cant. i shouldnt want to, but it's in my nature. like a turtle. their shell protects them...keeps them alive. i put myself out there...i wanted to be different. to be better. i trusted someone i didnt know. why? when i never trusted anyone in my life? and if he's so great...how did he do it? not on purpose. he was himself. i like the guy i met on my sofa. the one i went to the fair with. i dont know this guy. he's different now too. but i play the only card that i know every day. and that's the one where i defend myself with all that i have because someone always gets behind me and kicks me in the ass...happiness is very...foreign to me. all i wanted this year for christmas was a dog...i've asked for that every year for my b-day and christmas for the past 6 years. we moved here when i was 10...and i didnt have a friend in the world. just my dog. he died when i was 12 and i had nothing. every year i hope for another one, but it never happens. but this year i dont want the dog so much...i want to be happy...even just for a day would do... i want that more than anything...but you can bet your bottom dollar that i wont get either. why is it that something so simple is so hard to come by??!