We live in a beautiful world
Kristen's brother passed away. She wrote an entry that made me cry. I've never met her brother, and I barely know her at all, but I was sitting at my desk at work and I just started to cry. I think about everything with Rich, I think about Eric, I think about Marty's mom, I think about Dad this summer, I think about when Mom found the bump... and then I think about you. You are easily the most important person in the world to me, and I'm so afraid of losing you. It's not that other people aren't important, or that I wouldn't know what to do if I lost them, but if I lost you... Kristen said it best. I would want to die just to be with you again, just to take care of you (even though you always did the "taking care of". There was one time, it was something so small that I'm sure you have no idea about, but it was at that exact moment that I realized how important you were to me. I was really small and our plane had a lay-over. We didn't have to switch planes but we had an hour on the ground and we were allowed to leave and go to the bathroom and such. You got up to go and asked me if I had to, I said I didn't but that I wanted to come with you, and you turned and looked at me and said "Stay here, God forbid anything should happen to you. I'll be back in five minutes I promise." It wasn't much but it was the way you said it. It wasn't condescending, it was sincerely afraid. When you got off the plane I litereally counted the minutes, and you kept your promise. I actually think it was four minutes and like 37 seconds or something haha. But as I sat there, no more than 8 years old, counting the minutes, I just kept thinking "what happens if I get to five and he isn't here? What if God forbid something should happen to him? Why is it always me that needs protecting?" I felt so small and useless, and I knew that my entire existance was basically dependent on you. I wanted to be able to help you like you always helped me. I wanted to be able to protect you and be there for you like I always knew you were for me. If I lost Mom or Dad or even sadly Jamie (he will just never quite be a sibling) my heart would break for a time and I would hurt so much, but I would be okay and I know that. I would cry at first and then I'd suck it up. But you are my constant. You are the one thing that I have absolutely always been able to depend on no matter what. You are the one person who knows exactly me. You are the one person who tells me your honest opinion without criticizing me if I disagree (well, sometimes haha) You are the one person who understands why I do certain things. So many scary things are happening lately, so many people sick or gone... I know you can't promise nothing will ever happen becuase that's not a fair promise, but I wish it were possible.