These guidelines are here for your protection Part 2
Adam management
From management to: Adam Lambert
Mr. Lambert, we in management want to congratulate you on your continuation on our show. However, it has recently come to our attention that you have broken a number of the guidelines listed beginning on pg 134 in your handbook. Please reacquaint yourself with the following;
Clothing and accessories
1.1 Male contestants will not wear eyeliner and/or nail polish for more than two (2) back to back performances or appearances (such as performance night and results night, wearing of eyeliner and/or nail polish for each of these nights will necessitate the absence of said cosmetics for the following weeks performance) Yeah, I’ll try my best on that one…no guarantees
1.2 Male contestants will have no more than two (2) visible piercings. Under NO circumstances will male contestants wear earrings other than stud type (i.e. no “dangly earrings) You realize this makes me want to wear something with sequins down to my shoulders, right? Oooh, maybe feathers too. It is Disco week, hmmm
1.3 It is preferred that male contestants keep their jewelry selection to plain chain type necklaces, preferably with the addition of a cross. Multiple necklaces and/or belts of other types are discouraged. Please keep rings to minimum.
1.4 In no manner will a contestant imply an affinity for unconventional sexual practices in their dress. Meaning the Cat of Nine Tails goes Nope…Neither does the key to my manacles. If they can recognize it, they more power to them
1.5 The wearing of “girl jeans” by male contestants is frowned upon. And let’s see what we can do about those low-cut shirts, shall we? Ok, I’ll give you this one…next week, no shirt it is, how about some body paint? And glitter…I’ll even throw on some nice, baggy pants to offset it, with some authentic pimp heels.
On-stage movement (includes dancing, conduct with other contestants, Mr. Seacrest and all judges)
2.1 Male contestants will not:
a) Roll, shimmy, or swing the hips more that two (2) times per song performance (exceptions will be made for “lame white boy” use of aforementioned movements) if you need help, Mr. Gokey is proficient in this area Hmmm, maybe you’re right, I should see what kind of moves Danny can show me…brb
b) Lick their lips, snarl or bring undue attention to ones lips I’ve stopped wearing any lip-gloss, what more do you want?!
c) Touch their body in any suggestive manner (including the thighs, stomach, hips or buttocks)
d) Dancing, in general is frowned upon. However, if you must do it, keep it minimal and try not to be good at it. Again, see Mr. Gokey. Yep, he was helpful, thanks for the advice…oh & ignore that stain
e) At no point shall you kneel with both knees on the stage floor. (Exceptions to this rule include the occasional “rock star slide” and in supplication in response to either a religiously moving song or relief at remarks made by the judges)
f) Hugging will be minimal between male contestants, judges and Mr. Seacrest.
g) At no point will you make more than minimal eye contact with any male contestant. (Three (3) seconds max)
All of the above need to be re-read…multiple times.
As you have high approval numbers, we will overlook the previous violations of these rules. However, from now on, the camera-men will be on standby to employ “Elvis rules” which include filming from the waist up and showing multiple band, judge and/or audience shots. Don’t make us warn you again.
We have been lenient until this point, however we would appreciate you choosing a song with the pronoun of “girl” and articulating said pronoun. No, just no.
In addition, we ask that you restrain the sex appeal. We feel you are exuding an “R” Rating and ask you pull it back to a respectable “PG” I’ll see what I can do about that…
Sincerely,
Management
XOXO Adam
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Mr. Lambert, we here at management, understands your desire to maintain your own image. However, that image does not necessarily mesh with the image American Idol and the Fox Network strives to present each week. With that being said, would it be possible to come to a compromise on a few of the more important points in our previous correspondence?
We propose the following:
- You will NOT gyrate, shimmy, or thrust your hips during your performances. Also, please refrain from “eye fucking” the camera at every opportunity. (A more “blank, in the zone” expression is preferred (See Mr. Desai for pointers)
- There will be minimal cosmetic wearing. We are willing to concede to either eye liner OR nail polish, you may choose which you prefer
- You will NOT wear long earrings. You will NOT wear sequins in any manner, nor feathers. Disco week or no disco week.
- The “adult” accessories must go for performance night. We will allow them to be worn during the elimination show, out of the way, when sitting down, preferably under a jacket.
- Please for the love of…NO to the body paint. We already had this discussion in response to the Blue Blood photos. At no time during your contract with American Idol or the Fox Network, will body paint and/or body glitter be acceptable. In any form. Ever.
Also, when asked which films are your favorites, we have a short list that should be helpful, please review it and adjust future answers accordingly
Unacceptable answers:
Velvet Goldmine
Y tu Mama Tambien
Hair
Wizard of Oz
Cabaret
Rent
Rocky Horror Picture Show (cc to Mr. Cowell)
Any Batman or Superman movies
Party Monster
Brokeback Mountain
Interview with a Vampire
Labyrinth
Acceptable answers:
Any of the High School Musical movies
School of Rock
The Godfather
The Doors
Phantom of the Opera
Les Miserables
Hairspray
Evita
Dreamgirls (especially mentions of Ms. Hudson)
Indiana Jones
Star Wars
Lord of the Rings
Any Disney movies
Any Die Hard movies, Jackie Chan or Fast and the Furious movies.
Titanic
As a general rule, less singing and dancing, more explosions make for a good answer. While referencing to your theater background is acceptable, we would rather not dwell on the subject.
As for song choice, don’t think we haven’t noticed the subtle message you are sending with each week’s song choice. If you are unwilling to give on the point of choosing a song with the preferred pronoun of “girl”, we will be forced to narrow your choices. A forthcoming memo will discuss these choices. As for Disco week, you will NOT be singing, “I will survive”, as stated previously, we’re on to you.
Once again, congratulations on your continued success each week. (Our ratings certainly are soaring, as evidenced through the record number of votes each week) Please look over our suggestions and adjust accordingly.
Sincerely,
Management