The benefits of, er, foresight?
First, Mr Tre@se, an excerpt from your Livejournal, that, perhaps, is relevant to your current situation:
"Carolyn is an excellent case in point. I certainly wanted her. 2 years ago my desire was such that I questioned my relationship with Katherine over her. Now there is nothing to stop us from getting it on. I could reach out and we could be one, physically and spiritually. But, at the precipice, my will has wilted. She hasn't the depth, the dreams, the lusts, the visions, of the girl I want. Her intelligence is formidable but she lives in a quiet world of cats and books. When my passion for adventure and creation is at its zenith she seems a drag. "
Since that moment, a year and a bit ago, what has changed? Hmm, let's think. Well, there's the fact that I have utterly inexplicably fallen in love with this girl. Guess that's one. And. . .
What?
Ground control to Major Tre@se!
Sort your fucking life out. This is an order. It is absolutely unacceptable for you to have wasted so much energy and emotion over this one. And for what? You basically wanted to fuck her brains out. And now reality has cock-blocked you. Never mind the fact that she threw you a gamut of weird signals. I mean, whatevs, you can live with that. This is to be expected from someone who is, at heart, a bit odd. What you should regret is this fucked up conflation of physical desire and emotional desire. And that problem, Davey-boy is all yours.
So, from this utter fucking disaster is there anything to be drawn from it. The answer is a definite yes. I think a forensic analysis of the lead-up and subsequent spectacular denouement of this failed love affair is particularly instructive. And I'm insomniacing again, so have precious little to really be doing.
First, a bit of background. Carolyn used to be crazy about me. Drunkenly coming on to her apparently worked a treat and she fell for me. I was not interested, precisely for the above reasons. Primarily; she's fucking boring. I mean, seriously fucking boring. Boring enough to refuse to leave her house on a beautiful sunny day for a walk when she could be at home reading her fucking books. Boring enough to hate on all the things I hold dear, from games to mountains to hiking to travel to, well you name it. Um, she likes shopping and crosswords. But, it appears, has no interest in anything else whatsoever.
However, and here's the crux of the matter, she's quite attractive. Enough to make me want to stick my hands down her panties in a drunken fumble a year and a bit ago. The fact that she didn't seem excited by this particular action was either a function of my drunken unattractiveness or, as I suspect more likely, her frigidity.
My utter blanking of her, following this classic piece of drunken Tre@se tomfoolery, somewhat pissed her off and we lost contact.
Fast forward to October and we're back in contact. At first only a little, but things get more friendly and. . .
Hang on, why am I telling myself this? I know what happened. I was there. Perhaps it helps. It's actually a little painful, as I know where I screwed up. Maybe it's good to get it out? Back to the plot then. . .
Well, I miss out on a number of golden opportunities to hook up. Why? A mix of incompetence on my part but, ah yes, I remember now, I was scared of giving the wrong impression! The last thing I wanted was a relationship! Hah! Man, shit! That's right! I wanted her to ask me back to her place so that I wouldn't have to take the flak from a repeat of my former drunken hookuppery. I basically abrogated responsibility in the hope that she would take the strain. Safe to say, she didn't.
Thusly, we develop a rather odd but workable friendship over a couple of months. For my part, I'm wary that she's still interested in me and concerned about her getting too close. These fears are sort-of confirmed when I return from Britain to a slew of phone calls, text messages, drunken come-ons and <3's. This full frontal assault leaves me a little wary at first but one evening I get to touch her neck.
Yes, that's right. I touched her neck. This may seem weird. But there are seminal moments in relationships (stop sniggering at the back) where suddenly everything changes. For me, this slightly odd, slightly boring friend morphed into a fragile, beautiful woman. I can recall the sensation of her newly cut hair brushing up against my hand and the delicious warmth of her soft neck. This, strangely, will be a sensation that I will remember for the rest of my days perhaps. Carolyn has at least granted me that. And for me the emotion was delicious and terrifying. From then on I was in her thrall. I wanted her. I wanted more of that feeling. I wanted to protect her. To be with her. To make sweet sweet love with her.
Only I was wrong. So wrong. None of this was her signaling attraction to me. It was, as she later informed me, her flirty nature. I am not really in the mood right now to forward the counter-argument to this. Safe to say, I don't fully buy her account.
Thus, for 2 weeks I found myself rapidly falling for her. The descent into the depths of infatuation pulled a number of G's and perhaps over only 7 days I went from ambivalence to utter starry-eyed love. This swan dive into obsession would have been terrifying but for the fact that I thought that this was a shoe in. She was still into me right? This would be like taking candy from a baby.
Now, you know how the story plays out. You make more and more bold moves on her and she seems to retreat a little, but still nothing is said specifically about my true intentions. Until Sunday this week, 5 days ago, when you make a move. I thought it went pretty well. She was smiling when she left the car. She seemed, happy? Why? What changed? Did I come on too strong? Not strong enough? Too much romance? Man, this will always be a puzzle. Absolutely perplexing.
Gah.
Now, with the story told, you can at least learn lessons about yourself. I am a little leery of taking any lessons about women in general here as Carolyn is such an odd example of one.
Here is the bare fact of the matter: minus her looks, to you Carolyn is about as exciting as spending a sunny afternoon in Walgreens. Your friendship was rooted, for you, in attraction. You liked the look of her. You sort of wanted to hook up. Until the spectacular finale, you wanted nothing else. A relationship was not on the cards at all. And so it would have stayed, had Olivia worked out. Had any number of factors come into play.
Now the valuable lesson is this: in the absence of other infatution, a sustained assault of attention from someone you find physically attractive will inevitably lead to the situation you are currently in. It is a great attractor. A nodal point. A fixed point in a relationship.
Given this fact, you need to decide early on whether to be friends with a girl that you find physically attractive but disinteresting as a person. Because you know that at some point, you will fall for her. So, you're guaranteed to be stuck in a crazy situation where you want someone so badly but have no other emotions towards them. Other then burning, all-encompassing, desire.
Armed with this fact, how could you have played the Carolyn situation differently? Put yourself in the shoes of David Tre@se, circa October 2009. I think, all told, I should have manned up and made a move in the first instance. We could have gotten this all out of the way. I would have had this out of my system (and into hers, hehe) rather than letting it build up to breaking point. Other countermeasures would have included: not showing any interest whatsoever in her, ignoring her, etc.
Now, at the start of writing this rather long post I initially wanted to vent. Then, as it went on, I began to develop this thesis and got quite excited. However, with it written down, I'm a little deflated. I feel like there is actually not a lot I could have done, barring sleep with her at the first opportunity. That's not a tremendous lesson to learn, is it? That you have to sleep with attractive women or cut them out of your life? And what about the circumstance where you find someone attractive and you also share interests? Is this an impossible friendship? I suppose you and Katherine have got there but, well, that's a heck of a lot of work to build one friendship.
I'll tell you what David. Let's sleep on it. Take a few more days, see what the weekend may bring then write a new post.
Just because I'm into things like this, lets throw a few blue-sky predictions out there for the next few weeks and see which ones shape up:
First, and probably the most scary prediction: Carolyn changes her mind and wants to see if we can make a go of it. No idea of what to do here if this comes up. I really don't want a relationship, even though I'm crazy about her. I think after the first few disappointing shags the whole thing would collapse, leaving us both hurt and hate-filled. The narrative that I'm currently generating is a heck of a lot more satisfying, in the long run.
Second, I hook up with either Jen or Miss H this weekend. The latter is considerably more exciting a thought. I've been wanting to fuck her for years. Also, she's an awesome person. In every way that Carolyn isn't.
Um. Well that's just two predictions. We'll see how they pan out. Go prediction 2!
And finally: temporal David, this is meta David speaking. You know the one who sometimes pops up when you think about thinking and become self-aware. Girls and relationships suck. You know this, you've seen it all first-hand. And you shouldn't be hard on yourself for getting really bloody down in the dumps over shit like this. But pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You're awesome! So many fabulous people love you, there must be something pretty special in there. So what if girl xyz has an issue with you? At this moment all you want is her. No other girl will do. Well, I have a message for you pal. you've been here before. Many many times. And you know what; mysteriously, you get over it. You fall in love again. Most likely with someone else completely inappropriate. So the cycle continues. The big wheel keeps on turning.
That is what I love about this journal. It's wonderful to look over your life, post Katherine. See it ebb and flow. You've weaved a fabulous web here in San Francisco. It'll be hard to leave. But leave you must. For bigger things. New horizons. Steeper climbs.
With that zen, I am to sleep. Goodnight Carolyn. Goodnight Katherine. Goodnight Megan. Goodnight Jamie and Lauren. Goodnight Miss Crow and Miss Wooldridge. Goodnight Kirstie, Ruth, Effie, Jen. Goodnight all of you fabulous crazy frustrating bloody people.
Goodnight David
"Carolyn is an excellent case in point. I certainly wanted her. 2 years ago my desire was such that I questioned my relationship with Katherine over her. Now there is nothing to stop us from getting it on. I could reach out and we could be one, physically and spiritually. But, at the precipice, my will has wilted. She hasn't the depth, the dreams, the lusts, the visions, of the girl I want. Her intelligence is formidable but she lives in a quiet world of cats and books. When my passion for adventure and creation is at its zenith she seems a drag. "
Since that moment, a year and a bit ago, what has changed? Hmm, let's think. Well, there's the fact that I have utterly inexplicably fallen in love with this girl. Guess that's one. And. . .
What?
Ground control to Major Tre@se!
Sort your fucking life out. This is an order. It is absolutely unacceptable for you to have wasted so much energy and emotion over this one. And for what? You basically wanted to fuck her brains out. And now reality has cock-blocked you. Never mind the fact that she threw you a gamut of weird signals. I mean, whatevs, you can live with that. This is to be expected from someone who is, at heart, a bit odd. What you should regret is this fucked up conflation of physical desire and emotional desire. And that problem, Davey-boy is all yours.
So, from this utter fucking disaster is there anything to be drawn from it. The answer is a definite yes. I think a forensic analysis of the lead-up and subsequent spectacular denouement of this failed love affair is particularly instructive. And I'm insomniacing again, so have precious little to really be doing.
First, a bit of background. Carolyn used to be crazy about me. Drunkenly coming on to her apparently worked a treat and she fell for me. I was not interested, precisely for the above reasons. Primarily; she's fucking boring. I mean, seriously fucking boring. Boring enough to refuse to leave her house on a beautiful sunny day for a walk when she could be at home reading her fucking books. Boring enough to hate on all the things I hold dear, from games to mountains to hiking to travel to, well you name it. Um, she likes shopping and crosswords. But, it appears, has no interest in anything else whatsoever.
However, and here's the crux of the matter, she's quite attractive. Enough to make me want to stick my hands down her panties in a drunken fumble a year and a bit ago. The fact that she didn't seem excited by this particular action was either a function of my drunken unattractiveness or, as I suspect more likely, her frigidity.
My utter blanking of her, following this classic piece of drunken Tre@se tomfoolery, somewhat pissed her off and we lost contact.
Fast forward to October and we're back in contact. At first only a little, but things get more friendly and. . .
Hang on, why am I telling myself this? I know what happened. I was there. Perhaps it helps. It's actually a little painful, as I know where I screwed up. Maybe it's good to get it out? Back to the plot then. . .
Well, I miss out on a number of golden opportunities to hook up. Why? A mix of incompetence on my part but, ah yes, I remember now, I was scared of giving the wrong impression! The last thing I wanted was a relationship! Hah! Man, shit! That's right! I wanted her to ask me back to her place so that I wouldn't have to take the flak from a repeat of my former drunken hookuppery. I basically abrogated responsibility in the hope that she would take the strain. Safe to say, she didn't.
Thusly, we develop a rather odd but workable friendship over a couple of months. For my part, I'm wary that she's still interested in me and concerned about her getting too close. These fears are sort-of confirmed when I return from Britain to a slew of phone calls, text messages, drunken come-ons and <3's. This full frontal assault leaves me a little wary at first but one evening I get to touch her neck.
Yes, that's right. I touched her neck. This may seem weird. But there are seminal moments in relationships (stop sniggering at the back) where suddenly everything changes. For me, this slightly odd, slightly boring friend morphed into a fragile, beautiful woman. I can recall the sensation of her newly cut hair brushing up against my hand and the delicious warmth of her soft neck. This, strangely, will be a sensation that I will remember for the rest of my days perhaps. Carolyn has at least granted me that. And for me the emotion was delicious and terrifying. From then on I was in her thrall. I wanted her. I wanted more of that feeling. I wanted to protect her. To be with her. To make sweet sweet love with her.
Only I was wrong. So wrong. None of this was her signaling attraction to me. It was, as she later informed me, her flirty nature. I am not really in the mood right now to forward the counter-argument to this. Safe to say, I don't fully buy her account.
Thus, for 2 weeks I found myself rapidly falling for her. The descent into the depths of infatuation pulled a number of G's and perhaps over only 7 days I went from ambivalence to utter starry-eyed love. This swan dive into obsession would have been terrifying but for the fact that I thought that this was a shoe in. She was still into me right? This would be like taking candy from a baby.
Now, you know how the story plays out. You make more and more bold moves on her and she seems to retreat a little, but still nothing is said specifically about my true intentions. Until Sunday this week, 5 days ago, when you make a move. I thought it went pretty well. She was smiling when she left the car. She seemed, happy? Why? What changed? Did I come on too strong? Not strong enough? Too much romance? Man, this will always be a puzzle. Absolutely perplexing.
Gah.
Now, with the story told, you can at least learn lessons about yourself. I am a little leery of taking any lessons about women in general here as Carolyn is such an odd example of one.
Here is the bare fact of the matter: minus her looks, to you Carolyn is about as exciting as spending a sunny afternoon in Walgreens. Your friendship was rooted, for you, in attraction. You liked the look of her. You sort of wanted to hook up. Until the spectacular finale, you wanted nothing else. A relationship was not on the cards at all. And so it would have stayed, had Olivia worked out. Had any number of factors come into play.
Now the valuable lesson is this: in the absence of other infatution, a sustained assault of attention from someone you find physically attractive will inevitably lead to the situation you are currently in. It is a great attractor. A nodal point. A fixed point in a relationship.
Given this fact, you need to decide early on whether to be friends with a girl that you find physically attractive but disinteresting as a person. Because you know that at some point, you will fall for her. So, you're guaranteed to be stuck in a crazy situation where you want someone so badly but have no other emotions towards them. Other then burning, all-encompassing, desire.
Armed with this fact, how could you have played the Carolyn situation differently? Put yourself in the shoes of David Tre@se, circa October 2009. I think, all told, I should have manned up and made a move in the first instance. We could have gotten this all out of the way. I would have had this out of my system (and into hers, hehe) rather than letting it build up to breaking point. Other countermeasures would have included: not showing any interest whatsoever in her, ignoring her, etc.
Now, at the start of writing this rather long post I initially wanted to vent. Then, as it went on, I began to develop this thesis and got quite excited. However, with it written down, I'm a little deflated. I feel like there is actually not a lot I could have done, barring sleep with her at the first opportunity. That's not a tremendous lesson to learn, is it? That you have to sleep with attractive women or cut them out of your life? And what about the circumstance where you find someone attractive and you also share interests? Is this an impossible friendship? I suppose you and Katherine have got there but, well, that's a heck of a lot of work to build one friendship.
I'll tell you what David. Let's sleep on it. Take a few more days, see what the weekend may bring then write a new post.
Just because I'm into things like this, lets throw a few blue-sky predictions out there for the next few weeks and see which ones shape up:
First, and probably the most scary prediction: Carolyn changes her mind and wants to see if we can make a go of it. No idea of what to do here if this comes up. I really don't want a relationship, even though I'm crazy about her. I think after the first few disappointing shags the whole thing would collapse, leaving us both hurt and hate-filled. The narrative that I'm currently generating is a heck of a lot more satisfying, in the long run.
Second, I hook up with either Jen or Miss H this weekend. The latter is considerably more exciting a thought. I've been wanting to fuck her for years. Also, she's an awesome person. In every way that Carolyn isn't.
Um. Well that's just two predictions. We'll see how they pan out. Go prediction 2!
And finally: temporal David, this is meta David speaking. You know the one who sometimes pops up when you think about thinking and become self-aware. Girls and relationships suck. You know this, you've seen it all first-hand. And you shouldn't be hard on yourself for getting really bloody down in the dumps over shit like this. But pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You're awesome! So many fabulous people love you, there must be something pretty special in there. So what if girl xyz has an issue with you? At this moment all you want is her. No other girl will do. Well, I have a message for you pal. you've been here before. Many many times. And you know what; mysteriously, you get over it. You fall in love again. Most likely with someone else completely inappropriate. So the cycle continues. The big wheel keeps on turning.
That is what I love about this journal. It's wonderful to look over your life, post Katherine. See it ebb and flow. You've weaved a fabulous web here in San Francisco. It'll be hard to leave. But leave you must. For bigger things. New horizons. Steeper climbs.
With that zen, I am to sleep. Goodnight Carolyn. Goodnight Katherine. Goodnight Megan. Goodnight Jamie and Lauren. Goodnight Miss Crow and Miss Wooldridge. Goodnight Kirstie, Ruth, Effie, Jen. Goodnight all of you fabulous crazy frustrating bloody people.
Goodnight David