what a great fucking day
well if today in general wasnt such a fukin terrible day i think that it just got even fucking worse in the matter of like a couple hours... not only was i unable to go up to the cemetary today now im boyfriend is fucking mad at me and wont talk to me right now... it feels like everything ive done lately has been worng no matter what i do we just seem to fight more and more... im soo tired of it... i feel like im being pulled in many different directions ans any way i go someone always gets hurt... why cant i just do what i want... im always trying to make sure other people are happy instead of doing what i want to be happy.... if i wanna go out for awhile why cant i? if i wanna stay in and do shit all why cant i?... when i was always around we fought... when im busy more often we fight... nothing is ever right... i try to do things that will make you happy and your still sador mad or upset.. i know some things i do are stupid and worng but i dont do everything wrong... im not a total fuck up even tho many people think im not capable of fuck all... i hear it soo often that what i do isnt right... i dont wanna hear it from you too... i wanna turn to you for comfort on bad days like today not feel even worse cuz yet again i did something worng... and i cant even call you cuz its a fukin week day... im 16 years old and i have many of the responsibilities of a 30 year old... you know what i have to go through every day... you know all i want is to be with you and you know its not always possible to spend all my time with you... i wanna talk to you... i wanna work this out.. i wanna curl up in your arms and i wanna know that no matter what you still love me and will always love me... you know i wanna marry you and spend the rest of my life with you but we have to stop fighting.. it drives us both crazy and i never know what to think when we fight like we do... you know i get scared that imma loose you when we fight... i hate that feeling and so do you... im sorry bout last night i know that most of it was in fact my fualt and yes i should have told you hwat today was sooner but i wasnt thinking about it... i had forgotten till this morning and if i knew bout yesterday sooner then i would have told you and you know that... i wouldnt just leave you hanging... but despite all our fighting i need you today.. if you were here id take you up to the cemetary so you could be there with me and i wouldnt have to go through it alone...(went to laundry)... i really dont know what else to say.. your not on and im guessin you went to get your ram but im really not sure... all i hope is that you come back soon so that we can try to talk this out b4 its too late.. and i do love you no matter what...
now that i got that out i would like to tell you people about this really weird dream i had... i was like in romania or the ukrain or some place like that im not totally sure... it was like in the past and they were at war with some country... and i was living in this like store type place with another lady but they werent allowed to know that we were actually living there so every night after the store closed... i had to hide under a shelf to sleep and we had like no blankets or anything like that and we werent allowed to make any moise other wise theyed like catch us and tortue us... then at one point i was standin out side the shop for some reason and like this soldier dude walked past and he gave me this look of like imma sleep with you when i get the chance.. it was really freaky...
i dont really know what it all means or why i had that dream... it all seemed soo real too... like a past life experience that really did happen to me... im not really sure tho.. but it was soo real and i remember everything that happened.. so idunno what to think... but it gives me the willies to think about it... if anyone has any opinions on what it might have been i would love to hear them...
now that i got that out i would like to tell you people about this really weird dream i had... i was like in romania or the ukrain or some place like that im not totally sure... it was like in the past and they were at war with some country... and i was living in this like store type place with another lady but they werent allowed to know that we were actually living there so every night after the store closed... i had to hide under a shelf to sleep and we had like no blankets or anything like that and we werent allowed to make any moise other wise theyed like catch us and tortue us... then at one point i was standin out side the shop for some reason and like this soldier dude walked past and he gave me this look of like imma sleep with you when i get the chance.. it was really freaky...
i dont really know what it all means or why i had that dream... it all seemed soo real too... like a past life experience that really did happen to me... im not really sure tho.. but it was soo real and i remember everything that happened.. so idunno what to think... but it gives me the willies to think about it... if anyone has any opinions on what it might have been i would love to hear them...