(no subject)
you know just when you think that you can handle everything you snap. i thought i was doing fine with the whole my grandpa is dying, my grandma is killing herself trying to take care of him, i never get to see my dad, i miss my little brother, my step-mom is having another child, my mom's jackass keeps taking hundreds of dollars out the the register at night leaving my grandma broke so he can support his drug habbit, my mom being a complete idiot and letting all this happen, my mom giving my grandma guilt trips for not giving her money to support her drug habit,and hating my mom so much i wish she would just die so i wouldnt have to deal with her also killing my grandma.
i have all this going on and more and i just cant do anything about it anymore. i have no one to turn to, and the one i want is taken. i have turned back to old habits myself and i want to have new even worse ones. i feel like my life is spinning out of control and i dont even care. i dont care if i flunk out of school. i dont care if i do my homework or go to class. i dont even care if i live until tomorrow. i just hate everything so much right now, especially me. i just want to cut myself into a million little pieces and watch the blood run out of my body. i just want to go and drink myself to death and have sex with 1000 different people, and throw up every organ in my body. i dont want to have any restrictions anymore. i want to be able to do whatever i want when i want and not have to worry about who will stay home with my grandpa. its just not fair that all this bad stuff always happens to me. i know that bad things happen to other people, but it just seems like it is just worse with me. i dont know what to do anymore and i dont care what happens to me. i dont want to worry about money and if my grandma is going to make it through another night without having a heart-attack. i dont want to lose my house and i hate that my mom is 47 years old and can not even work to support herself. she forty fucking seven years old and cant even go and work at her own bar. she makes my 84 year old grandma do it who has had a 6 artery bypass surgery, was in a car accident a few months ago and broke 4 ribs, has had mini heart attacks over the past few months and who has broken vertebre in her back bc my grandpa fell on her bc he cant walk. i hate my mom so much. i really want her to die. i hate how she just wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars that my grandparents saved up on drugs for her abusive jackass who tries to kill her if she doesnt give him drugs. i dont understand. i hate everything so much i want to die as well.