Russian Circles
Joel sat on the edge of the bed, wringing his hands, wondering if he’d done everything he needed to. He’d woken up this morning, washed and shaved with greater care than he was used to, even splashed on some of the aftershave he’d bought for special occasions but never had an excuse to use before. He’d tidied his little one-bedroom apartment, though that wasn’t hard. He didn’t own much stuff so there was no clutter, and Mrs. Davrost the landlady came round once a fortnight to dust the place. She was always telling him he should get out of the place more, or at least get a pet, that she worried about him hiding away in those poorly lit rooms all the time. “You should go out and meet people,” she’d say, “if you don’t talk more your tongue will wither right away.”
She didn’t understand though, didn’t know his secret, the horrible shame he carried with him that wouldn’t let him out in public.
But that was all set to change now, or so he hoped. A few days ago he’d replied to a message he found in his email inbox, not really expecting to hear anything back from it but figuring it couldn’t hurt. He was shocked, the night before last, when his phone rang just as he was getting in to bed. No one ever called him, he only had the phone line so he could get an internet connection.
“H… hello?” his voice trembled slightly as he spoke into the receiver.
“Hi! Is this Mr Joel Glassheim?” The voice at the other end was young an enthusiastic, an energetic male with an accent he couldn’t quite place, like something from the insurance adverts they aired on TV at night.
“Yes… yes that’s me.”
“Great! I’m calling about your email enquiry regarding our services!”
“Oh, I… um. Well, does the service, you know, work?”
“Of course! Just like the email said, a visit from one of our workers is guaranteed to change your life!” His voice rose on the word guaranteed, an explosion of excited emphasis.
“Does it… does it hurt, or anything?”
”Oh no sir, not even a little, our workers are trained in making sure you get the most out of the experience, and that means comfort all the way!”
Joel hesitated. He wanted it so bad, but he was afraid something would go wrong, that it would all end in shame or embarrassment. The voice at the end of the line seized on his hesitation, pressing forward to complete the sale.
“Can I set up an appointment for you sir? We can have someone with you in just couple of days time, one of our best! There’s absolutely no risk sir, all payment is made afterwards, and only if you’re completely satisfied!”
“Well… alright, I suppose.”
Things had moved quickly after that, a time had been set, he’d been told how to get himself ready, and he’d given them his address. Now he sat there, waiting for a knock at the door, reading over the email again and again. “Get a visit from the Big Dick Fairy! Become a whole new man with Mega Dick! Imagine improving your life by…” and so it went on, offering him wonders untold. Finally he could walk down the street without shame, without feeling that everyone was judging him for what he’d been born with, the unfortunate endowment for which he still cursed his parents. After today’s appointment if it all went well, he would be transformed, his life made over. He would be a modern-day Casanova, a veritable Lothario, cruising his way through society.
The doorbell rang and he leapt up, brushing out the creases from his shirt, checking himself in the small mirror in the hall as he rushed for the door. He unlatched it, slid the bolt back, almost knocked himself off his feet in his eagerness as he pulled it open. And there in the hallway stood… stood a fairy. Or at least, that was the closest word Joel could find. Standing over six feet tall, with a thick black beard and protruding gut that strained to burst free from a tight pink tutu, the “fairy” held a cheap plastic magic wand in one hand and was itching its backside with the other. Coarse hair matted his exposed arms and legs, and a crude tattoo of a heart with “Mumm” etched across the middle adorned one bicep.
None of these though were what truly shocked Joel about the Fairy. There, hanging quite bare and exposed through a hole in the tight pink material was the single largest phallus he had ever seen, easily two feet long and as thick around as a fire hydrant.
“Alright mate, let’s get this over and done with, I’ve got three more appointments before noon. Inside, drop your pants, and grease up.” The Fairy said, chewing idly on a wad of gum.
“I… I think there’s been some kind of mistake,” Joel stuttered, “this isn’t really what I was expecting.”
“Look love, you ordered a visit from the Big Dick Fairy and here I am. I’m a fairy, I’ve got a big dick, what more do you want?”
“I… I thought that you were meant to come and give me… give me one? You know, make me… like that.” He gestured at the monstrous penis.
“What do you think I am love, some kind of freaking magician? I can’t work bloody miracles. If you’ve got a tiny todger, deal with it, it ain’t my problem. Now come on, I can’t leave til the job’s done and I’m in a hurry.”
The Fairy bustled forward, pushing past Joel and into the apartment, giving him no chance to object.
An hour later he was alone in the apartment again and sat, slowly sobbing, shifting from side to side on a pack of ice, trying not to wince. The man on the phone hadn’t lied, it certainly had been a life-changing experience, it had just been a much messier and unpleasant change than the one Joel was looking for.
She didn’t understand though, didn’t know his secret, the horrible shame he carried with him that wouldn’t let him out in public.
But that was all set to change now, or so he hoped. A few days ago he’d replied to a message he found in his email inbox, not really expecting to hear anything back from it but figuring it couldn’t hurt. He was shocked, the night before last, when his phone rang just as he was getting in to bed. No one ever called him, he only had the phone line so he could get an internet connection.
“H… hello?” his voice trembled slightly as he spoke into the receiver.
“Hi! Is this Mr Joel Glassheim?” The voice at the other end was young an enthusiastic, an energetic male with an accent he couldn’t quite place, like something from the insurance adverts they aired on TV at night.
“Yes… yes that’s me.”
“Great! I’m calling about your email enquiry regarding our services!”
“Oh, I… um. Well, does the service, you know, work?”
“Of course! Just like the email said, a visit from one of our workers is guaranteed to change your life!” His voice rose on the word guaranteed, an explosion of excited emphasis.
“Does it… does it hurt, or anything?”
”Oh no sir, not even a little, our workers are trained in making sure you get the most out of the experience, and that means comfort all the way!”
Joel hesitated. He wanted it so bad, but he was afraid something would go wrong, that it would all end in shame or embarrassment. The voice at the end of the line seized on his hesitation, pressing forward to complete the sale.
“Can I set up an appointment for you sir? We can have someone with you in just couple of days time, one of our best! There’s absolutely no risk sir, all payment is made afterwards, and only if you’re completely satisfied!”
“Well… alright, I suppose.”
Things had moved quickly after that, a time had been set, he’d been told how to get himself ready, and he’d given them his address. Now he sat there, waiting for a knock at the door, reading over the email again and again. “Get a visit from the Big Dick Fairy! Become a whole new man with Mega Dick! Imagine improving your life by…” and so it went on, offering him wonders untold. Finally he could walk down the street without shame, without feeling that everyone was judging him for what he’d been born with, the unfortunate endowment for which he still cursed his parents. After today’s appointment if it all went well, he would be transformed, his life made over. He would be a modern-day Casanova, a veritable Lothario, cruising his way through society.
The doorbell rang and he leapt up, brushing out the creases from his shirt, checking himself in the small mirror in the hall as he rushed for the door. He unlatched it, slid the bolt back, almost knocked himself off his feet in his eagerness as he pulled it open. And there in the hallway stood… stood a fairy. Or at least, that was the closest word Joel could find. Standing over six feet tall, with a thick black beard and protruding gut that strained to burst free from a tight pink tutu, the “fairy” held a cheap plastic magic wand in one hand and was itching its backside with the other. Coarse hair matted his exposed arms and legs, and a crude tattoo of a heart with “Mumm” etched across the middle adorned one bicep.
None of these though were what truly shocked Joel about the Fairy. There, hanging quite bare and exposed through a hole in the tight pink material was the single largest phallus he had ever seen, easily two feet long and as thick around as a fire hydrant.
“Alright mate, let’s get this over and done with, I’ve got three more appointments before noon. Inside, drop your pants, and grease up.” The Fairy said, chewing idly on a wad of gum.
“I… I think there’s been some kind of mistake,” Joel stuttered, “this isn’t really what I was expecting.”
“Look love, you ordered a visit from the Big Dick Fairy and here I am. I’m a fairy, I’ve got a big dick, what more do you want?”
“I… I thought that you were meant to come and give me… give me one? You know, make me… like that.” He gestured at the monstrous penis.
“What do you think I am love, some kind of freaking magician? I can’t work bloody miracles. If you’ve got a tiny todger, deal with it, it ain’t my problem. Now come on, I can’t leave til the job’s done and I’m in a hurry.”
The Fairy bustled forward, pushing past Joel and into the apartment, giving him no chance to object.
An hour later he was alone in the apartment again and sat, slowly sobbing, shifting from side to side on a pack of ice, trying not to wince. The man on the phone hadn’t lied, it certainly had been a life-changing experience, it had just been a much messier and unpleasant change than the one Joel was looking for.