when will the pain stop? when will my head stop spinning off my shoulders?

[snowtears]

its almost like pain has become a major part in my "so called life" like someone has wished that i never feel true happiness again. but why i have to ask? why would someone wish such horrible things to happen to me? what have i done to deserve such heart break. right now i feel as though nothing in the world will ever be right again, Teddy left angry and there was nothing i could do about it, i caused it and i have to live with the fact that i drove him away. i would like to hurt Joe more then ever now. the pain he caused me has caused the one i love to feel pain too. now  my own pain i can deal with, not in the way i once did, but in the only other way i know  how. i have been forced upon my whole life and im not gonna lye on my back and take any shit anymore, i simply cant, that would be lettung him win. letting him destroy my entire person which is all i have right now. i wont be subjected to such bullshit! i cant, not anymore. i wont take it and thats all there is to it. im going to break every bone in his body, im gonna make him feel the same kind of pain i felt when he held me down and had his fun, its my turn now! and its not going to be pretty, not in the least! when sean gets out of work im going over there and im gonna get high and im gonna cry on his shoulder and let him now my pain. i really trust sean and i know hes a great guy, i know that i can spill everything to him and my world will come back together. i know he will make me see the good in this, the only good thing i had i almost lost tonight, i know that i didnt but it was very close. he asked for room to breathe, doesnt he think i have been gasping for air since it all happened? doesnt he know that all i want to do is die and death is the only comfort i cant have. hes my world right now, Teddy means everything to me, nessa told me to keep it to myself and i was trying, if i had just gotten rid of the blade before... i should have know better then to think that i cold just cut away the pain and the tears... not with out hurting the one who loves me. i cant sleep for fear of never waking up! will this pain ever stop? will my head every stop or will it simply spin out of control and lose contact with my body entirly? what does one say to that? how do i react to that when all i wanted when i told him was for him to hold me? im so fucked up inside and no one seems to care.. no one even looks at my journal anymore.. no one even knows im alive, not even the people i care about with all my heart.. i think i want to write kara a letter... i miss her and i think that she would be the best thing ever right now. (red bull gives you wings!)
i have been drinking red bull and double mocha french vinilla dunkin donuts/starbucks coffee all day! i cant stop myself from it all... i wish that it was 2 now so i could go to seans now! i need it so bad, i need him so bad, i need Teddy SO BAD!   i dont know how to react to any of this, i dont know how to get to sleep when i have so much on my mind that it feels this im spinning and dizzy with love, drunk and hang over all the same time. i wish he had stayed and just held me all night but we never get what we want do we?
if someone loves me please comment.. i really need somones help tonight and i dont know how im gonna pull through this if i lose him. i wont be able to make it past the tears... ill just wollow and cry and repeat, repeat, repeat!
thats all i have to spill from my broken hearts... ill have to sweep the rest of the shatter bits of myself up off the floor and attempt to superglue then back together.. im getting drunk tonight!

love always and forever...
meg (mab)