The Parrot Fish
It was a combination of my alarm and that of searing pain that awoke me. I had allowed my naproxin sodium to lapse. I hit the snooze button and hoped if I tried to relax, that it would subside. It wasnt ten minutes until I had bolted out on a mad quest for the only thing that would bring relief, albiet in an hour. So I rode the pain like a roller coaster as it dipped and rose until the hour was up. Luckily I had the day off of work, and finally sank back into a solid sleep.
In my business I end up moving the maximum hours of vacation forward to the next year. And a vacation day is only a pass not to work during normal business hours. Nobody does my work while I am gone, so I have to make up for it in late nights and weekends anyhow. But still it is nice not having to wake up and fight rush hour traffic. I worked 15 hours last night to make up in part for today. My husband was pissed, but I would have come home had he requested me to. I prefer working long hours to smattering them about throughout the week anyhow. By the end of the day I am caught up on all the workings, and can flow through my tasks with confidence and ease.
So I woke up at 1pm. I thought perhaps my phone was broken. Sure, since I didnt get home until midnight I had not slept til probably 2:30-3:00ish, but still, I had plans for the day off. And the sunlight is minimal this time of year.
I jumped up and took a couple more pills to keep the pain at bay. I showered and brushed my teeth, and brought a toothbrush, and supplies for my husband to brush his teeth as well. We are nearly a fine oiled machine in the morning. I heat the water and bring him a hot towel in the morning, and I put on my makeup and fix my hair. Next come clothes, I lay them out now that he can put them on himself, and give him his deodorant. Then I go off to get dressed myself. Next I get him a protein shake and fruit for breakfast, and I prepare his bevy of medications in a little cup. He can get himself in the chair now, but we do still use the lift for showers.
Next item on the list was the cat barf. There were dark stains on the bedroom carpet and a puddle in the hallway. Little Mocha has a delicate stomach. A little windex and a quarter roll of paper towels, and it was...better. The carpets came with the house and are probably not the original color. I want them out, but there is only cement below them, and I do not have the funds,time,energy to replace them. So I will try to borrow the carpet cleaner again at least to work on the main traffic areas, and the area around the hospital bed.
The birds were confused with the late wakeup call, and so I brought them out for a bit before I left. Maybe they were mad because they had missed their morning shows. I leave the tv on for them during the day. Channel 10. I do not want to change it, in case they are following some of the soap operas. General Hospital was on...I think. I actually recognized some of the characters.
I made sure that John was set, and the birds were in their homes, and I grabbed a trash bag and headed out. It was the first non-rainy day in a long time. I decided to go to the beach after I dropped off the recycling. I called my mom, and talked until I was walking on the sand. I had kicked off my shoes in the car and crossed the near empty parking lot. I was not used to arriving on a week day. It was nearly deserted.
I walked to the second lifegard stand, noticing too much trash, so I crossed the beach and climbed the stairs to get a plastic bag. I walked and picked up trash along the beach for about a mile. Mostly clear plastic. A couple of toothbrushes. Plastic utensils. A slotted spoon. Balloon ribbons. At the end of the park I found a bunch of washed up rope, which I dragged across the beach to the trashcan. I dropped off my full plastic bag and climbed the stairs to get another.
It was a pretty view from up there. The clouds had rolled in and looked dramatic. I checked my radar, but there was nothing of concern headed my way. I wondered how many water spouts the lifegards got to see.
On my way back there were more walkers. One lady picked up a few things that were added to my bag, and another person said I was a nice person. It made me feel good. Going back over the area I covred. A stretch that was near pristine. It was a nice day.
Nearing the point where I arrived I noticed a lovely parrot fish flopping in the sand. I had never picked up a fish from the sand, and he gave me some resistance. I tried again, more firmly. I got him nearly to the ocean, my trash laden hand getting in the way. When the fisherman nearby asked me what I was doing and stopped me. He said it was his fish. He had caught it. And he blocked me. I should have said that now I had caught it, and dodged him and released him back into the sea. But I didnt. He took the fish back, and threw its suffering gasping body on the other side of me. If I wasnt a wimp, that fish would have been in the water.
I snorkel at that site. I recognize some of the fish. They are beautiful and majestic. And every one I see I marvel at. He did not marvel at it. He did not care. I hated humans. I hated myself for not being the strong woman that I wanted to be. That I didnt: A. dodge him and put the fish back in the water, B. Come back with a clever retort and put the fish back in the water, C. Knock him upside the head with the fish, put the fish in the water, and run.
I cried in the car. I kept seeing his little body heaving, and heeling his body struggling against my grip, and feeling helpless and disgusted with the human race. I took a klonaprin for the anxiety and tried to fill my time with my trusty list on my phone.
I drove to the Hallmark store. It smelled nice, and perported on the sign by the door to be the best gift shop in Boca. But they did not have any Happy Solstice cards. And the knicknacks seemed pointless in a world where people let animals suffer on purpose. I left empty-handed and walked to the nearby Publix. It was a little one, and I could feel accomplished by purchasing what was on my list. Because it was little, it did not have all of the stuff on my list. But it gave me something to fill the space, and restock our larder.
I stopped by the nearby liquor store because it will be my birthday soon. The owners were sitting outside on blue adirondak chairs, like they were at the beach in the dark. It lightened my spirit some. The place smelled of midouri. The clerk insisted it was the candles, but inside I was figuring they had broken a bottle, or a case. It did make me want to drink midouri, but then my pocket book let out a whimper, and I let that one go.
I couldnt let the fish thing go though. My disgust with humanity. I drove to the place that had the cupcakes tha I like. Vegan coconut from a bakery with the word "bunny" in the name, out of Miami. But there were no coconut cupcakes to be found, and the staff must not like puffy-eyed, disgusted-with-human types who are inquiring about cupcakes that they do not have, and may never have again. Ah, a world where the vegan bunny coconut cupcakes have been replaced by sadistic humans who do not appreciate the life of a beautiful fish. Sniffle.
I drove by the mall. It looked busy. Filled with people, no doubt, in the holiday spirit. People who could afford the $30 to purchase a gift for the work gift exchange. People that had time for leisurely activities that did not include cleaning up the world, working 15 hours, being a caregiver, people who would never care about the beautiful little parrot fish that I held in my grasp and was unable to save.
I drove to Whole Foods. The door was broken, as if the universe was admonishing me. I ignored it, and went in another door. At the beginning I found a stuffed polar bear with soulful eyes. I placed him under my arm and kept him there. I took comfort in his softness, and he reflected my body heat. I found scents that were supposed to calm me, and spent a bit of time there. I felt stronger...placebo or not.
I got a vegan cupcake for my birthday, vegan calcium, and the polar bear, and dinner for myself and John. I dropped the food in my trunk and went to Barnes and Nobel. I felt better. I love books and the education that they can bring, and the peaceful kind atmosphere. They had cards that would work...though no Winter Solstice ones. I had thought about creating some myself, but that would entail getting the whole family together and creating a theme, and it sounded like too much work amidst my hectic day.
I went to the car and took my dinner out of the trunk, along with the polar bear, and had dinner during the red lights.
Once home I gave John his dinner, brought the birds out, fed the kitties, brought in the groceries. I used the wheelchair for the last load. I put away the groceries, cleaned the kitchen, put the birds back, took care of my husband, made his bed, cleaned the kitty room, cleaned the kitty litter, fed and watered the birds, and gave them some attention, put away some clothes, tidied the living room, brushed the cats, and finally made it to bed with this journal.
My faith in humanity is a little wobbly. I wish I could run away to a vegan commune, and make my own vegan spirits and care for rescued animals and write pretty songs and paint pretty pictures and take care of myself, and reconnect with nature, and wake up with my own circadian cycle, and learn to tell stories properly, or start up my Kind Planet revolution, or be King of the world. Then, maybe I could have saved the hapless parrot fish tossed aside to die unceremoniously slowly and without an ounce of respect.
In my business I end up moving the maximum hours of vacation forward to the next year. And a vacation day is only a pass not to work during normal business hours. Nobody does my work while I am gone, so I have to make up for it in late nights and weekends anyhow. But still it is nice not having to wake up and fight rush hour traffic. I worked 15 hours last night to make up in part for today. My husband was pissed, but I would have come home had he requested me to. I prefer working long hours to smattering them about throughout the week anyhow. By the end of the day I am caught up on all the workings, and can flow through my tasks with confidence and ease.
So I woke up at 1pm. I thought perhaps my phone was broken. Sure, since I didnt get home until midnight I had not slept til probably 2:30-3:00ish, but still, I had plans for the day off. And the sunlight is minimal this time of year.
I jumped up and took a couple more pills to keep the pain at bay. I showered and brushed my teeth, and brought a toothbrush, and supplies for my husband to brush his teeth as well. We are nearly a fine oiled machine in the morning. I heat the water and bring him a hot towel in the morning, and I put on my makeup and fix my hair. Next come clothes, I lay them out now that he can put them on himself, and give him his deodorant. Then I go off to get dressed myself. Next I get him a protein shake and fruit for breakfast, and I prepare his bevy of medications in a little cup. He can get himself in the chair now, but we do still use the lift for showers.
Next item on the list was the cat barf. There were dark stains on the bedroom carpet and a puddle in the hallway. Little Mocha has a delicate stomach. A little windex and a quarter roll of paper towels, and it was...better. The carpets came with the house and are probably not the original color. I want them out, but there is only cement below them, and I do not have the funds,time,energy to replace them. So I will try to borrow the carpet cleaner again at least to work on the main traffic areas, and the area around the hospital bed.
The birds were confused with the late wakeup call, and so I brought them out for a bit before I left. Maybe they were mad because they had missed their morning shows. I leave the tv on for them during the day. Channel 10. I do not want to change it, in case they are following some of the soap operas. General Hospital was on...I think. I actually recognized some of the characters.
I made sure that John was set, and the birds were in their homes, and I grabbed a trash bag and headed out. It was the first non-rainy day in a long time. I decided to go to the beach after I dropped off the recycling. I called my mom, and talked until I was walking on the sand. I had kicked off my shoes in the car and crossed the near empty parking lot. I was not used to arriving on a week day. It was nearly deserted.
I walked to the second lifegard stand, noticing too much trash, so I crossed the beach and climbed the stairs to get a plastic bag. I walked and picked up trash along the beach for about a mile. Mostly clear plastic. A couple of toothbrushes. Plastic utensils. A slotted spoon. Balloon ribbons. At the end of the park I found a bunch of washed up rope, which I dragged across the beach to the trashcan. I dropped off my full plastic bag and climbed the stairs to get another.
It was a pretty view from up there. The clouds had rolled in and looked dramatic. I checked my radar, but there was nothing of concern headed my way. I wondered how many water spouts the lifegards got to see.
On my way back there were more walkers. One lady picked up a few things that were added to my bag, and another person said I was a nice person. It made me feel good. Going back over the area I covred. A stretch that was near pristine. It was a nice day.
Nearing the point where I arrived I noticed a lovely parrot fish flopping in the sand. I had never picked up a fish from the sand, and he gave me some resistance. I tried again, more firmly. I got him nearly to the ocean, my trash laden hand getting in the way. When the fisherman nearby asked me what I was doing and stopped me. He said it was his fish. He had caught it. And he blocked me. I should have said that now I had caught it, and dodged him and released him back into the sea. But I didnt. He took the fish back, and threw its suffering gasping body on the other side of me. If I wasnt a wimp, that fish would have been in the water.
I snorkel at that site. I recognize some of the fish. They are beautiful and majestic. And every one I see I marvel at. He did not marvel at it. He did not care. I hated humans. I hated myself for not being the strong woman that I wanted to be. That I didnt: A. dodge him and put the fish back in the water, B. Come back with a clever retort and put the fish back in the water, C. Knock him upside the head with the fish, put the fish in the water, and run.
I cried in the car. I kept seeing his little body heaving, and heeling his body struggling against my grip, and feeling helpless and disgusted with the human race. I took a klonaprin for the anxiety and tried to fill my time with my trusty list on my phone.
I drove to the Hallmark store. It smelled nice, and perported on the sign by the door to be the best gift shop in Boca. But they did not have any Happy Solstice cards. And the knicknacks seemed pointless in a world where people let animals suffer on purpose. I left empty-handed and walked to the nearby Publix. It was a little one, and I could feel accomplished by purchasing what was on my list. Because it was little, it did not have all of the stuff on my list. But it gave me something to fill the space, and restock our larder.
I stopped by the nearby liquor store because it will be my birthday soon. The owners were sitting outside on blue adirondak chairs, like they were at the beach in the dark. It lightened my spirit some. The place smelled of midouri. The clerk insisted it was the candles, but inside I was figuring they had broken a bottle, or a case. It did make me want to drink midouri, but then my pocket book let out a whimper, and I let that one go.
I couldnt let the fish thing go though. My disgust with humanity. I drove to the place that had the cupcakes tha I like. Vegan coconut from a bakery with the word "bunny" in the name, out of Miami. But there were no coconut cupcakes to be found, and the staff must not like puffy-eyed, disgusted-with-human types who are inquiring about cupcakes that they do not have, and may never have again. Ah, a world where the vegan bunny coconut cupcakes have been replaced by sadistic humans who do not appreciate the life of a beautiful fish. Sniffle.
I drove by the mall. It looked busy. Filled with people, no doubt, in the holiday spirit. People who could afford the $30 to purchase a gift for the work gift exchange. People that had time for leisurely activities that did not include cleaning up the world, working 15 hours, being a caregiver, people who would never care about the beautiful little parrot fish that I held in my grasp and was unable to save.
I drove to Whole Foods. The door was broken, as if the universe was admonishing me. I ignored it, and went in another door. At the beginning I found a stuffed polar bear with soulful eyes. I placed him under my arm and kept him there. I took comfort in his softness, and he reflected my body heat. I found scents that were supposed to calm me, and spent a bit of time there. I felt stronger...placebo or not.
I got a vegan cupcake for my birthday, vegan calcium, and the polar bear, and dinner for myself and John. I dropped the food in my trunk and went to Barnes and Nobel. I felt better. I love books and the education that they can bring, and the peaceful kind atmosphere. They had cards that would work...though no Winter Solstice ones. I had thought about creating some myself, but that would entail getting the whole family together and creating a theme, and it sounded like too much work amidst my hectic day.
I went to the car and took my dinner out of the trunk, along with the polar bear, and had dinner during the red lights.
Once home I gave John his dinner, brought the birds out, fed the kitties, brought in the groceries. I used the wheelchair for the last load. I put away the groceries, cleaned the kitchen, put the birds back, took care of my husband, made his bed, cleaned the kitty room, cleaned the kitty litter, fed and watered the birds, and gave them some attention, put away some clothes, tidied the living room, brushed the cats, and finally made it to bed with this journal.
My faith in humanity is a little wobbly. I wish I could run away to a vegan commune, and make my own vegan spirits and care for rescued animals and write pretty songs and paint pretty pictures and take care of myself, and reconnect with nature, and wake up with my own circadian cycle, and learn to tell stories properly, or start up my Kind Planet revolution, or be King of the world. Then, maybe I could have saved the hapless parrot fish tossed aside to die unceremoniously slowly and without an ounce of respect.