Unemployment / Jaci Jealousy
I'm both depressed and upbeat today. It's a strange mix. After a few days of poking and prodding, my friends and family have finally convinced me to file for unemployment benefits. After spending several hours this morning setting it up, I believe I'm in the system. They also had me sign up for a job service I'd never seen before, one that has a whole lot more options. While I'm pleased that I'm now signed up in a new job service, I feel horrible about signing up for unemployment. Yes, I know that I deserve it and it's there for people in my situation, but it feels like admitting defeat on some level. I don't like hand-outs and I've never needed one before. I've been great at being self-sufficient for so long that I can't believe I'm asking for help.
Sometimes, I wish the world would slow down. Maybe even back up. I wish I could go back to the spring of 2002 when my relationship with Jaci was just blossoming and everything was good. Those were I think the happiest times of my life. College was great, all my friends lived in one building and after dinner each night we'd all play pool for hours on end. What I wouldn't give to go back and relive that whole season.
Fast forward to now and things have certainly changed. I rarely play pool anymore, my friends are scattered around the country and the good times and social warmth of college is long gone. Worst of all, I think, is how my relationship with Jaci has changed. Lately, and I mean like within the last month, Jaci and I have been more quiet to each other than ever before. She's quite enthusiastic about her current boyfriend, RJ, and my jealousy has finally begun to creep up on me. Why now and not when they met 5 months ago? Because the more I hear about this guy, the more I'm getting the feeling that their relationship could be the one Jaci has been waiting for.
It's quite a strange position I'm in. As one of Jaci's very best friends, I have the honor of being gushed to with details about new men. It's not that I don't like hearing about how she's happy and all that, but I didn't expect it to affect me like this. I'm simultaneously jealous, genuinely intrigued, pleased that he's a good guy and also depressed. As she gets closer to him, I grow distant in the back of her head even as just a friend. I can now see it possible that there will come a day when I won't talk to her anymore...
The more I think of that, the more I wonder if I didn't miss out. Was Jaci the one?? If the spring of 2002 had lasted, anything could have been possible.
Sometimes, I wish the world would slow down. Maybe even back up. I wish I could go back to the spring of 2002 when my relationship with Jaci was just blossoming and everything was good. Those were I think the happiest times of my life. College was great, all my friends lived in one building and after dinner each night we'd all play pool for hours on end. What I wouldn't give to go back and relive that whole season.
Fast forward to now and things have certainly changed. I rarely play pool anymore, my friends are scattered around the country and the good times and social warmth of college is long gone. Worst of all, I think, is how my relationship with Jaci has changed. Lately, and I mean like within the last month, Jaci and I have been more quiet to each other than ever before. She's quite enthusiastic about her current boyfriend, RJ, and my jealousy has finally begun to creep up on me. Why now and not when they met 5 months ago? Because the more I hear about this guy, the more I'm getting the feeling that their relationship could be the one Jaci has been waiting for.
It's quite a strange position I'm in. As one of Jaci's very best friends, I have the honor of being gushed to with details about new men. It's not that I don't like hearing about how she's happy and all that, but I didn't expect it to affect me like this. I'm simultaneously jealous, genuinely intrigued, pleased that he's a good guy and also depressed. As she gets closer to him, I grow distant in the back of her head even as just a friend. I can now see it possible that there will come a day when I won't talk to her anymore...
The more I think of that, the more I wonder if I didn't miss out. Was Jaci the one?? If the spring of 2002 had lasted, anything could have been possible.