Repression
I woke up crying today. There were tears in my eyes when I woke up, and as soon as I was conscious I was balling.
I did it silently so that nobody would hear, but after breakfast Noah asked me what I had been crying about. Apparently he could still hear it through the wall. Sigh.
After we talked about it for a while, which was really just him confronting me about it and me admitting to having done it, I was crying again. I just wanted to leave the apt and go for a walk or something, just not to think of it. Go to the coffee shop, bookstore, anywhere so that I would not have to deal with my negative emotions.
That made me realize that I have been doing that quite a bit lately. I just repress and repress until I have an overflow of emotion at unexpected/ unpredictable times and have a meltdown.
I try to keep busy all the time, partly because I enjoy doing things, and partly out of anxiety toward stopping and really truly feeling the pain that has been building up over this past year and longer. I have not been journal ing (livejournal ing doesn't really count as journal ing for me, b/c I know I have an audience).
There really has been so much to block. When I was with D I couldn't journal because I couldn't deal with how I really felt and still remain in the relationship, which somehow had become my goal. I couldn't journal too much about Hector, or think too much about it, because the emotions seemed too strong in that situation as well. It's just been this constant pushing away of those things I try not to think about.
At least I know now. I know that I need some quiet time to cope with stuff, to process it, to write it down. That is one element that can help lead me back towards balance. It is necessary for me to be able to take that time.
I have been saying that I want balance for a while now. It seems the first step will be just to sit in silence, and think, and be.
Since sitting still is very difficult for me, I think I'll have my work cut out for me.
I did it silently so that nobody would hear, but after breakfast Noah asked me what I had been crying about. Apparently he could still hear it through the wall. Sigh.
After we talked about it for a while, which was really just him confronting me about it and me admitting to having done it, I was crying again. I just wanted to leave the apt and go for a walk or something, just not to think of it. Go to the coffee shop, bookstore, anywhere so that I would not have to deal with my negative emotions.
That made me realize that I have been doing that quite a bit lately. I just repress and repress until I have an overflow of emotion at unexpected/ unpredictable times and have a meltdown.
I try to keep busy all the time, partly because I enjoy doing things, and partly out of anxiety toward stopping and really truly feeling the pain that has been building up over this past year and longer. I have not been journal ing (livejournal ing doesn't really count as journal ing for me, b/c I know I have an audience).
There really has been so much to block. When I was with D I couldn't journal because I couldn't deal with how I really felt and still remain in the relationship, which somehow had become my goal. I couldn't journal too much about Hector, or think too much about it, because the emotions seemed too strong in that situation as well. It's just been this constant pushing away of those things I try not to think about.
At least I know now. I know that I need some quiet time to cope with stuff, to process it, to write it down. That is one element that can help lead me back towards balance. It is necessary for me to be able to take that time.
I have been saying that I want balance for a while now. It seems the first step will be just to sit in silence, and think, and be.
Since sitting still is very difficult for me, I think I'll have my work cut out for me.