Today
I am torn between wanting to avoid leaving my apartment and going to campus or a close-to-campus coffee shop to grade. Today the dept is having a memorial service to remember Hector, and I think it will be really nice. I am skipping my Spanish class, but my other class is cancelled. I wish I had a car here so I could go to Trader Joes and buy some nice food for it. I know a lot of people are making cookies, and I was thinking Quinoa salad, but I made some and there is not enough ;( I am thinking of just buying a bag of cashews from the Student Union Building or something and putting them in a bowl.
The idea of the memorial also makes me a little nervous because I have never forgotten Hector- I think about him all the time, but usually other people are not trying to talk to me about him and his death. Although it has been a bit easier this semester than the last two, I am still in counseling, and we have barely touched on that incident directly, or Hector as a person. I always feel like I was so close to 'getting him,' his scholarship, his personality, his inexplicable trust in me and the rest of us, but that I still missed his primary lesson: believe in yourself. I have been so scared and anxious since he died, although I feel it gradually getting better. It also makes me wonder why I missed the fact that he was always giving people grace until so recently, and why I still struggle so much with accepting his gifts.
The idea of the memorial also makes me a little nervous because I have never forgotten Hector- I think about him all the time, but usually other people are not trying to talk to me about him and his death. Although it has been a bit easier this semester than the last two, I am still in counseling, and we have barely touched on that incident directly, or Hector as a person. I always feel like I was so close to 'getting him,' his scholarship, his personality, his inexplicable trust in me and the rest of us, but that I still missed his primary lesson: believe in yourself. I have been so scared and anxious since he died, although I feel it gradually getting better. It also makes me wonder why I missed the fact that he was always giving people grace until so recently, and why I still struggle so much with accepting his gifts.