A Passover Story
Scene 1:
Rami (taskmaster): What do you mean, they're still reproducing?
Tinubiti (midwife): Well, it's kind of self-explanatory. Babies. Happening...
Rami: You're a midwife. You're supposed to stop that.
Tinubiti: Actually, it's just the opposite. I'm supposed to help with the birthing.
Rami: By killing the babies. Hebrew babies. Remember Pharaoh's policy of making a powerful but dissatisfied group even more dissatisfied?
Tinubiti: Uh, I can't. The babies, are, uh, too fast.
Rami: Too fast?
Tinubiti: Yeah. They're, uh, born too quickly for me to get there.
Rami: Well, it's not like it makes any difference to me personally if one more survives or not, but Pharaoh has a policy.
Tinubiti: Cannot catch babies. Very fast.
Scene 2:
Amram (Moses' father): Wow, it sure seems like life is tough here.
Damaris (slave): Eh. It's not so bad. There's the nice water of Nile here.
Amram: But the Egyptians totally enslaved us. And now they're killing all the male children.
Damaris: Well, the male children, sure.
Amram: But it will totally wipe out our chances of future generations.
Damaris: We can worry about that later. Future generations, no future generations, mortar, mortaar.
Amram: Well, I think it's kind of bad.
Damaris: Wait, your wife's pregnant isn't she?
Amram: Yeah.
Damaris: Mazel tov!
Amram: You know, my wife has this idea that if this is a male child, we could game the system, by putting him in a raft. Kind of like drowning by boat.
Damaris: Huh. How do you think that will work out?
Amram: Well, whatever happens, my son won't get leprosy, so it should be okay.
Scene 3:
Bai (priest): So, how is the latest crop of staff-snakes going?
Djal (priest): Great! Ten more just hatched today.
Scene 4:
Nebi (Chariot captain): So no one here knows his name?
Metit (handmaiden): We just call him Pharaoh. It never really comes up.
Sokkwi (Chariot captain) (enters): So, speaking of fishing babies out of the water.
Nebi: Uh, we weren't really-
Sokkwi: That Moses fellow. Right out of the water, I hear.
Sheba(handmaiden): Yup. Princess took him as her own.
Nebi: Does she have a name?
Metit: We do not discuss it with outsiders.
Sokkwi (to himself): In a raft as a baby. That sort of thing would change a man. Make him...different.
Sheba: Who invited him?
Scene 5:
Rami: Keep the slaves gathering rocks. Pharaoh can never have too many rocks.
Eran (Hebrew officer): Yes sir.
Rami: Hey, are we still killing all male children of you hebrew-types?
Eran: You don't know?
Rami: Well, I never heard that it was canceled. On the other hand, latest census has 600,000 Israelites of battle age. How could there be so many if we were killing all the male infants?
Eran: Beats me.
Rami: Speaking of which, I think it's time for me to whip a slave relentlessly for a while.
Eran: I hear one of the princes isn't too happy about that. That Moses fellow.
Rami: It doesn't concern me.
Scene 6:
Metit: The princess seems to be quite upset by Moses' departure. She keeps yelling.
Sheba: Yeah, weren't you shocked when she said: “You horrible son, your presence has been nothing but a bad mark upon my name.”
Metit: I was appalled by her language.
Sheba: The Pharaoh is pretty shaken up too. This could send him to an early Pyramid.
Metit: That means that the person who becomes new Pharaoh would be...Pharaoh.
Sheba: Wait, we don't know his name either? What is up with this dynasty?
Scene 7:
Djal: And then the evil ugly Moses had his staff-snake eat up ours.
Bai: All of them?
Djal: Every last one of them. Foul, gluttonous, fiend.
Bai: Why would he do something like that?
Djal: He said “let my people something, one God of Israel, blah, blah, blah.” I think he just hates staff-snakes.
Bai: Oh. That makes sense.
Nebi (entering): Hey! Moses just turned the Nile to blood.
Bai: Really? We can do that too.
Djal: Well, part of the Nile.
Bai: In a jar.
Djal: With red dye.
Nebi: So it's not really blood then, is it?
Djal: Devotees of Ra are the only ones qualified to judge that.
Nebi: Um, what about the blood to water side of things. So, you know, we can have something to drink and don't all die of dehydration?
Bai: Uhh, well...
Djal: Dehydration has its virtues!
Scene 8:
Damaris: Well, I think this is good.
Amram: You mean that we're still alive and healthy at the age of 110? Or because you think the mass frog death will convince the Pharaoh to let us go?
Damaris: No. I just hate frogs.
Amram: Well, it's still a bit strange.
Damaris: By the way, whatever happened with your son and the river?
Amram: Darned if I know.
Eran: Hey, you, help gather rocks and clear dead frog carcasses.
Amram: Why? They're not affecting us hebrews.
Eran: If we don't, the new taskmaster will come and beat us. When they replace him.
Amram: It's been 60 years.
Eran: Any day now.
Scene 9:
Metit: Freaking lice! Just because we're a massively hierarchal, slave-oppressing, baby male child-murdering society doesn't mean we deserve lice!
Sheba: Well, at least we can drink the water and the frogs are gone.
Metit: The priests say that not drinking water is virtuous.
Sheba: I thought they said “No, our precious staff-snakes are gone!”
Metit: They say both. They have many talents. That's why they disproportionately dominate the resources and mineral wealth of Egypt.
Sokkwi (enters): So, we're kind of being smited here. Is the Pharaoh going to give into this staff-snake guy?
Sheba: Uh, have you met Pharaoh?
Sokkwi: No. Are you offering to arrange a meeting?
Nebi (enters): Wild beasts are attacking. Run awaaay!
Scene 10:
Tinubiti: So I was out in the field, delivering a calf-
Sheba: Wait. Don't you usually deliver human babies?
Tinubiti: Cow babies are slower. Even more so now that all the cows are dying. But it's totally not my fault!
Sheba: Reeaally?
Tinubiti: It because Egypt is being smited. Which also has nothing to do with me.
Sheba: You seem just a little too in the middle of all of this.
Tinubiti: Hey, there are painful boils breaking out on my skin. How about you?
Sheba: Yes, me as well. How very convenient for you.
Tinubiti: Excuse me while I recoil in agony.
Scene 11:
Bai: Hail.
Djal: It would be really nice if we could actually stop this one.
Bai: What if we resurrected the frogs, and had them jump above people, forming a protective barrier?
Djal: Well, we can't actually do any of those things.
Bai: I label you downer-type.
Djal: There is the fact that we're all kind of dying from these plagues.
Bai: Yeah. I miss my staff-snakes.
Djal: Me too.
Scene 12:
Nebi: So, I've noticed that none of these plagues seem to be affecting you.
Damaris: Could be.
Nebi: Like right now, my fields are being eaten by locusts, while yours are fine.
Damaris: Huh. Locusts are irregular.
Nebi: Could I, like, defect and join your side?
Damaris: I don't think we have any formalized rituals for that yet.
Sokkwi (enters): Hey, what are two you talking about?
Nebi: Uh. Get to work collecting rocks, you hebrew-type, you.
Damaris: I sure love collecting rocks. (exits)
Nebi: These locusts are awful bad.
Sokkwi: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. The way all light is fading away, they won't be able to see where they're going.
Nebi: Good. (pause) Wait, what?
Scene 13:
Metit: It's a pity all the hebrews are leaving. Now we won't have anyone to collect rocks.
Sheba: The Hebrews are leaving? Gosh, no one ever tells me anything.
Metit: So you don't know that all the firstborn died?
Sheba: I did not. Doesn't Pharaoh have a firstborn?
Metit: Not so much anymore, no. And he had a distinct name and everything. It's so sad.
Sheba: All the firstborns died? That explains why Nebi and Djal aren't around anymore.
Scene 14:
Sokkwi: You look funny when you're not wearing your priestly garments.
Bai: Well, since we failed totally to stop any of this, and the charioteers were depleted as well, us priests were basically drafted. Driving a chariot isn't hard, is it?
Sokkwi: Don't worry. I'll walk you through it. We're just chasing the Hebrews.
Bai: Doesn't that sound a little dangerous? Like the God of Israel might smite us, or something?
Sokkwi: He's smited us ten times-
Bai: Eleven if you count the death of the staff-snakes.
Sokkwi: Eleven then. That has to be the upper limit.
Bai: Look, we've got them all cornered against the edge of the water.
Sokkwi: Water. I wonder if we'll see any babies in there?
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